Chương 9: Boil water

"Yeah I'm in." Ilia shrugged, locking the door and setting the tavern on fire, killing everyone inside.

"Me too," The Goblin nodded.

"Oh no my cozy tavern: (" I say as its turned to ash in an instant." Ho ho ho. Relax, kid. Once we're done with this job you can afford a thousand taverns just like it it it."" I can already do that."" Ho ho ho. My point exactly. Let's transition to a new scene or something thing thing." The biting northern winds whip against the wooden frame and glass glass of the cozy wooden cabin at the North Pole. A roaring fire beats back the cold and the dark as easily as any sunlight, however, and we're bathed in the scent of cinnamon, gingerbread, and holly as Santa Claus lays the plans out on the hand-carved table in front of us. Four cups of coco sit at each corner, each one decorated with the perfect blend of marshmallows, candy canes, and whipped cream. I never thought I'd be back here. I also never thought I'd be front here. No matter how you looked at me, I never thought I'd be oriented that way here. This place was for good boys and girls, and I was neither good nor a girl. I was a rouge, self-interested anti-hero with a chip on my shoulder and overpowered cheat skills. I didn't get 'presents' at 'christmas'. I got 'pronouns' in my 'harem'." Our target is some kid named Gabriel Lightbringer Lovefire," Ilsia tapped the hand-crafted table's digital screen and conjured a holographic image of some guy, "He's a low-ranked hero with a skill so weak even the Goddess who summoned him here thinks he'll never amount to anything."" And what skill is that?" I ask with a raised eyebrow." He can instantly appraise any object to see its true value. Also he can infinitely summon as many warriors from across the realms as he wants. Also he can tame any number of monsters or animals to do what he wants. Also he can transmute objects into other objects and use them to create bombs and guns in our medieval fantasy world. Also he can inflict status effects like paralyze, poison, and charm instantly and without any chance to fail. Also he has an SSS+ skill at gardening, which he uses to grow the skill fruits that form the basis of our power system. Also he's the most powerful healer in the world but he was bullied by then kicked out of his party because they don't see the value in being alive. Also he can control vibrations. Coincidentally, string theory is true in this universe, which means he controls the very fabric of our entire universe with a mere thought." Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit." Psh. Weakling. No wonder the goddess thinks he sucks. Let's invite him to our party, bully him, then kick him out," I say with a smirk." Yes, everyone agrees he sucks and its common knowledge that he is pathetic and worthless in any and all situations," Ilia nodded." But despite having the weakest skills in our universe he's somehow managed to defeat all his enemies, get a harem, collect powerful magical items, etc etc."" How weird," I mutter." It makes sense that I defeat all my enemies, have a harem, collect powerful magical items, etc etc because as you all know I have [The Most Powerful Cheat Skills in This New Fantasy World]. How could someone accomplish all that with the weakest skills?!"" Ho ho ho. Focus, M. He may be weak and worthless, but he's still a good boy, which is what's stopping me from taking the Vyrant Gate from him. Obviously, because he's so pathetic and STUPID, we could always just beat him up and steal it. But that's not how Santa Claus rolls. Instead, I need you all to do one last job: find some way to get him from the nice list to the naughty one. Do that, and I can act against him, and complete my collection of world-ending apocalyptic items items items."" That's impossible," The Goblin frowned, "'Naughty' is synonymous with 'bad' and he's already so bad at everything — if he's not on the list already now, well… how do we get lower than the lowest?"" Ho ho ho. That's why I'm calling on you all. Nobody is lower than the protagonists of this story. At least other parodies of litRPGs and the like are doing it from a place of love, or even just financial interest. You all are just in it for the sheer bitterness of it. I'm counting on that unadulterated spite to make this mission a success cess cess." Has it been 1k words yet? Geez this chapter just keeps going." Heh. Well you're right about one thing, Santa Chum: if you need a job done, best leave it to the best," I stick my thumb into my neck and thrust it into my mouth from inside my throat so I can suck my thumb without the others noticing I still suck my thumb, "Glrbbbb grobbbbs gbibblbe."" Protagonist may be choking on his own blood, but he's right," Ilia nods." What's the point of being a protagonist if we're not going to answer the call to action? We'll take your job, Santa-Kun. But you'd better make us a big pot of yummy spaghetti to fill our tummies when we get back!"" Ho ho ho! I'll make so much spaghetti it'll look like an Undertale reference, thus making it the most timely joke in this entire story so far far far!" Santa cheerfully added while discretely adding SoulCraftsman to the forever nice list." Skibbidi toilet." The Goblin tried, and failed, to capture a more recent cultural moment. Everyone boo'd. Please boo at your screen for a few seconds to make what I just said true thanks <3"Boo." I say to the Goblin, activating my K-rank cultivated skill of talking through a mouthful of my own blood, "But with that settled, there's only one problem that needs sorting before we get started."" The word count for today's chapter?" Ilia asked with a knowing smirk." Not anymore thank god ok thanks everyone byeeeeee."