Chương 1: A Recipe for Mac and Cheese

Before I was born, my parents died at the accident factory. I grew up at an orphanage but then we took a tour of the accident factory and we all died there too. I only lived by accident. By the time I was twelve I had cultivated SSS+ rank skills in martial arts, ki manipulation, and magic. But then I was betrayed by my teacher, who secretly helped me cultivate an SSS+ rank in being dead and so I died.

The only thing I had failed to master was swearing, as a mysterious woman whom I must now also get revenge on shoved a sock in my mouth before I could say my final words. Luckily for me I reincarnated or Isekaied or something.

"Now I am only going to live for revenge" I said. My new parents — who were way better and cooler than my dead ones lemmie tell you — were shocked that I could speak immediately after coming out of the womb. They said I would be sure to be a protege at the magical school they were like 99% sure I was going to get into. Legacy admissions and all that. They were right. I kicked so much butt at magical school that I became the dean in the first two weeks. I aced all my classes and everyone else's classes too.

I got 592 diplomas. I did a kickflip over the heads of all my peers and all their sisters fell in love with me and I got a harem. Then- wait where are you going I'm not done with my backstory yet. Okay I'll speed it up. I got everyone pregnant, learned every unique under/overpowered skill and eventually killed the demon king then replaced the demon king then made the demon king join my harem then I did some more cultivation and discovered the secret K-rank, which stands for 'cool'.

But look what matters is I'm a real bad dude and I could definitely beat up the protagonists of all the other stories you might be reading and/or writing right now. I would make them PISS and POOP themselves and CRY PISS and POOP. That's how strong I am. But all that is USELESS FILLER. Little did I know that my journey — my journey to ride the coattails of Dungeon Crawler Carl and get my own Peacock show — was only just beginning… It was a dark and whatever day when I approached the tavern.

The mud was wet with moisture and mud. My face was curled into a perpetual frown cuz being happy disrupts my efforts to farm aura. My breath smelled like lilacs and wolvesblood (this is so important do not forget that it will come up again later <3). I approached the tavern. As I went, people stared in awe and fear and other emotions probably I never cultivated empathy. They pointed. They whispered. They were all afraid of me. Afraid of my power. Afraid they would wind up in my harem. They were right to be.

I approached the tavern. Behind me was the weight of a thousand bloody battles, each one a callous on my hands, knees, feet, whatever other body parts I had to spare. Behind my gaze was the sixteen assassin's bullets I ate for breakfast that morning by shooting them directly into my brain. Ahead of me was a fearless goat. Let's just say I used past tense there for a reason. That goat's not there anymore. It "was" a fearless goat. If you get my drift.

Everything is past tense when you're around me if you get what I mean. I approach the tavern. If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it's taken without permission from the author. Report it. I have approached the tavern and I will now step into the tavern. The tavern EXPLODES because it can't contain me. Nothing can contain me. I am made of ice and my blood is made of winter. I am the hottest summer day beating down your face. I am a force of nature. I don't blink. I don't sweat.

It's been twelve years since I last went to the dentist and my teeth are so straight they circled back to being gay. But still I need to do plot things so I approach and then enter the sturdier tavern next door. The atmosphere is grim. Hard-faced men and vicious-looking women try to stare daggers in my direction.

"Too bad daggers are my favorite post-bullet snack," I say as I eat every. Last. One.

"We don't have any context for what you're saying." The bartender shoots me a warning, which I eat too. But I spit out the punctuation because I'm not a woman so I don't 'get' periods. I take a seat and meet the bartender's hard gaze with a gaze so much harder it makes his gaze look soft.

"What's the hardest drink you got?" I ask him, deciding that 'hard' is going to be my adjective of the day.

"Rocks. On the rocks," he says, leaning forward, daring me to kiss him on the lips with my mouth.

"Heh. A weak drink for a weak bar," I snort, before slapping some coins onto the counter. I don't know how many. I only have a AA+ rank in counting so I refuse to use that skill.

"But I guess I'll take it off your hands." He pours me a glass of rocks and I cast my gaze over the tavern. My gaze soon snags a fish and I reel it back in. A bluefin tuna. Heh. My second-favorite post-bullet snack. It joins my harem, then I eat it all in one bite. A woman sits next to me while my mouth is full. She has the lips of a sailor and the eyebrows of a Pomeranian. Being the progressive protagonist I am, I make a point to not make a point of pointing out her enormous chest. Wait.

Wait crap let me try agai-"Hey. Not often we get strangers around here," she says, stealing my glass of rocks and swallowing it in one gulp, "so what's your story? What brings you to this neck of nowhere?"

"If you must know. Before I was born, both my parents died at the accident factor-""-Stop right there," she stops me right there, seductively picking up the teeth she knocked out of her jaw drinking all those rocks and seductively cramming them back into her gums, "why don't we limit this to the most immediate circumstances."

"Fine. I'm looking… for the (INSERT PLOT DEVICE HERE)."

"Is that so?" her knowing smile morphs into a knowing frown, "you knowing, we get a lot of strangers around here, but we don't get any repeats. Everyone who's gone after (INSERT PLOT DEVICE HERE) never comes back. At least, not alive."

"First time for everything."

"Heh. I like your moxieeeeeeee. And it's been a long time since we've had someone show as much blatant disregard for the health of the goats around here. Tell you what: I'm in."

"Not so fast. First you have to prove to me you're not going to slow me down."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Consider this your first test: how do you end a chapter of one of these things?"

"What?"