Chương 15: Drain water, add cheese sauce, and stir

If life was a meal, then obligation was the vegetables. Bitter, but necessary. A full third of the plate at least, if you were eating well. It didn't have to be an unpleasant part of the meal — there was a lot you could do to dress it up, and some people even enjoyed it as-is — but you did have to eat it, unless you're one of those lucky pricks who's born with nothing but candy and caviar on their silver spoons.

We just finished eating a rather unappealing serving, and although our plate was empty and our stomach was full, our minds and tongues still lingered on that taste. An echo, a memory, an unpleasant reminder of what we had just swallowed that no amount of beer could quite wash out. Maybe it was because the flavor was just that harsh. But if you ask me? It's because we know, as everyone knows, that you have to eat every day.

And tomorrow there would be another heaping portion of vegetables we'd need to choke down, hell or high water. The lingering taste wasn't what was left of the meal we just finished. It was a promise for meals to come. Santa Claus looked over his collection of world-ending artifacts collected over hundreds of chapters worth of content I didn't feel like writing. He wasn't satisfied. How could he be? The world and all the children who lived there were safe from their power, sure.

But there were other dangers out there, dangers he couldn't be around to protect them from. After all, where was he supposed to find the world-ending power needed to catastrophically reshape reality to create his idealized version of the world where all the little boys and girls and in-betweens could be happy and free? It was a puzzle. The answer to which was not in his enormous collection of world-ending artifacts that would let him catastrophically reshape reality to his whims.

No, if he was going to do this, he'd need something… bigger. He'd need an artifact with the power to end worlds, so he could instead reshape it to his whims. And there was only one artifact that could let him do that. The UI screen itself.

"The UI" was such a powerful artifact that its reach extended beyond the boundaries of this spitefully-made parody.

"The UI", which showed every stat screen, every ability score, every skill, every feat… it transected to every litRPG, both in Royal Road and beyond. It was in animation. It was in webcomics. It was even rarely used in video games. But if Santa Claus could get his hands on the UI itself, he could force everyone to be a pacifist. Everyone to be happy. Everyone could have every need met and every goal accomplished. Not just here: but across most of fiction. There were just two problems.

For one, Reki Kawahara still won't respond to my emails asking for a collab so I couldn't get all meta with it. For two, the idea of a character trying to hijack the UI system that underpinned their litRPG world to create a utopia was too cool of an idea to waste on this stupid, stupid waste of time (Jesus-approved). It's probably already been done. But I can't be bothered to check. How would you look for something like that anyway? Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve.

Read this novel on Royal Road. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that Santa couldn't do that. Fortunately, he had another idea on how to make things better. He killed himself. As you no doubt know from your talks with ChatGPT, killing yourself is both a productive and intelligent thing to do.

It solves all your problems, makes the world a better place, is the perfect revenge against the people who have mistreated or didn't appreciate you, AND it lets you reincarnate into a better, fantastical world of magic and wonder! Ask your doctor today if killing yourself is right for you! Santa didn't have a doctor, though, so he didn't have to ask. He could just pop one in the ol' dome and wake up in front of the Goddess. The one who did all the reincarnations and crap like that.

"Oh hi Santa Claus looks like you did done die dead," she said with a pop of the lips.

"Ho ho ho! Yes I did. You and I need to have a talk, Goddess Goddess Goddess."

"You're not Santa Claus anymore you can lose that vocal tick."

"Ho ho ho!"

"Stop it."

"Ho ho ho!"

"Sto-""Ho ho ho!" She reincarnated him again so he would stop saying "ho ho ho!" He lived a long and beautiful life in the suburbs of a small dwarven city working as a stable hand and opening his own small distillery before passing away at the age of 104 surrounded by loved ones.

"Ho ho ho! I'm back back back!"

"Dan-""-Ho ho ho! Don't use that word or you'll get on my naughty list list list!"

"Oh no don't do that comeon I want a Switch 2."

"Ho ho ho! Then you'll need to find a different word word word!"

"Ugh, fine.

'Shoot', why do people keep dying it's like this job never friggen' ends."

"Ho ho ho! As it so happens, I have an idea that could maybe help you out with that. Hear me out, will you you you?"

"Sure. But we gotta do it off-screen so it can be ominous."

"It sure has been an unproductive 105 years," I say as I casually destroy my millionth demon lord.

"Yep. Not a whole lot has happened since we helped Santa collect every object of power in this reality." Ilia said but, like, in a funny way so the audience would laugh at my funny jokes.

"Do you think maybe the author isn't familiar enough with the tropes he's parodying to extend this bit for much longer?" The Goblin asked by way of confession, to which the protagonist launched him into space so he couldn't hear him scream.

"All I know is that I'm not a hero and I'm here for revenge and I use my cheat skills to fulfill my many wishes for power and revenge and sexy men." We both stop talking for a bit and stare at the middle distance.

"Where's the hook for the next chapter?" Ilia asked.

"Do we need one?"