Chương 39: [That Time I Couldn't Think of a Joke for the Chapter Title of my LitRPG Fantasy Story]

- MEANWHILE AT THE DEMON LORD'S CASTLE- You are not good enough, dear reader. You will never be good enough. When the gods bear witness to your best, to the works you have spent years upon years slaving towards, they do not even laugh. For it is so beneath their notice, dust under dust under dust, that they cannot even appreciate what you have tried to do. It's not because you are weak. It's not because you are incompetent. It's because there will always be someone better.

There will always be monsters you cannot slay. And because you can never beat them, you must always run from them. Run until your feet bleed and your legs ache. Run until your fear can carry your husk of a body no further. Run until the last thing you see are your betters looming over you, teeth borne, prepared to feast on your flesh and forget you the moment the last drop of your blood spills into the earth. You shall be insignificant, even as a meal. For what beast feasts once and never hunts again? No.

There is no vessel you can fill. No project you can complete. No matter how hard you bleed or how hard you sweat, time will grind everything you've done to nothing, if the apathy of those around you doesn't destroy your spirit first. But at least those who ignore you are honest. For there are always vultures in your skies and hyenas on your heels.

They may laugh and smile, but they hunger all the same and every moment your eyes are not upon them, they advance upon your weary flank and wipe the saliva from their grinning mouths. If your guard drops, if your back sags, if your eyes close… they shall be upon you as well. Their facade of friendship vanishing behind a endless sea of malicious ferocity. You are nothing and you will accomplish nothing, and yet there are even those lesser than you who would try to destroy your castles of sand.

Impatient for the waves as they are. Or perhaps jealous of those waters. Knowing full well the only mark they could ever leave is a scar. For it is so much easier to dig up the earth than to build a mountain upon it.

"I see. Well, first, I want to thank you for taking this exercise seriously! I can tell you put a lot of thought into this." Well there's no point in doing this if I don't at least try, right?

"Right. And I also appreciate your willingness to trust me with these heavy thoughts. That takes a lot of courage and it should be acknowledged." I didn't think about it that way. It is your job to do this kind of thing. I was just doing what you told me.

"Mhm. Yet, doing what I told you to do still required effort and reflection on your part. Remember: the goal for these sessions is to empower your own thinking. So everything you do for me is actually something you're doing for yourself." I suppose.

"Maybe we can apply that thinking to the first part of your journal.

'You are not good enough'. Do you think this journal isn't good enough?" This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version. Well, I was really thinking about it in a cosmic sort of scale, so I'm not sure that's a fair question.

"That's perfectly fair. But remember, the purpose of the journal wasn't to impress the cosmos, it was to catalogue your own thoughts. Do you think it did a good job at doing that?" I feel like I could have maybe squeezed a few more paragraphs of prose out of it, but… broadly, I think it does the job.

"So we have your negative thought, that you'll never be good enough on a cosmic scale. But we know the journal is good enough if we look at it from a different perspective. What do you make of that?" …No, no, I get it. If I look at my life from a different perspective I've done a lot of amazing things. It's just hard to look at things this way.

"I know and that's something we'll work on. For now, just jot that down in your journal. Use your own words." My worth isn't determined by a fixed perspective… it changes depending on which perspective I'm taking.

"That's a start! Let's see… another big theme I noticed was that there will always be people who are better than you." That's just an objective fact.

"Maybe. But it doesn't have to be a source of anxiety. For example: does it bring you any peace knowing there are other people and demon lords you are better than?" I guess intellectually, yes. But emotionally I don't feel very much. Unless I'm personally crushing them under my talons, but that's a very in-the-moment thing.

"Right. But here's my take on the matter: it feels like the fact you're always looking forward, towards those you think are your betters, rather than looking back at your lessers, could be proof that you are a growth-minded individual." It really feels more like a fear thing to me. Like, I'm keeping an eye on the people who could kill me.

"Then think about how you would rephrase it in a more constructive light." …I guess… I would say I have the intelligence to see risks, and the wisdom to keep an eye on them.

"That's great! Jot that down in your journal." Okay… okay… I think I see how this works.

"Then walk me through the next one." I guess I could say the grinding force of time doesn't only erase my progress, it also erases my mistakes. Because nothing is permanent, both my victories and my losses will vanish one day.

"You're getting the hang of it indeed! How about the bit with untrustworthy friends?" Secret enemies are still enemies which means I get to grind them into gruel under my heel!

"Yeah! Yeah!" This CBT thing is great!

"Yes, but our journey is only just beginning. It's easy to have these thoughts in the moment, but transforming your way of thinking so that they become the default is a lot harder. Here's your next bit of homework: keep your journal on you. Every time you have one of those negative thoughts, check your journal and replace your negative thought with one of the more constructive ones you've written beside it.

And if you have a new negative thought that's not already in the journal, write it down and see if you can't do this same exercise by yourself. Okay?" Okay. Thanks, Becky.

"Anytime. It's all part of being a slave."