Chương 27: [That Time I Did a 5 Minute Soliloquy in the Woods then Immediately Beat Up the First Guy I Saw]

It took about three days of uninterrupted travel before The Progatonist realized something was amiss.

"Wait. Why am I alone?

"I glanced to my left and my right. Nobody was there. This was… unusual. Sure, in some Isekai, it was normal enough to reincarnate as a low-level mob in an isolated environment and grind your way to divinity. It was also a pretty popular trope to be abandoned in a dungeon and stumble into some plot device/love interest who would launch the plot forward.

I didn't get either of those starts, but I did have an old friend who was Isekai'd with me, a childhood friend with the good shoulder-adjacent body parts and a blushing little sister. By all accounts I should have at least three cute girls following at my heels competing for my attention and forming the emotional backbone of my future harem.

"But there was nothing. Which not only spat in the face of the power fantasy that was inherent to this entire stupid genre, it would make for a really boring adventure. If I'm not making quips and bragging about my infallible meta-defining power, then what was the point of me even being here? I can't leave my audience alone with their thoughts — if 96% of my readers realize they can rotate a cow in their imagination for free, both this story and its patreon will be finished…!

"A thin film of sweat dripped down from my fourhead. With an annoyed grunt, I cut off the other three, so I'm back to just having the one."'This is fine,' I say out loud.

'All I need is to adopt someone into the party I can quip with. A talking animal or something. Those can't be hard to find, can they?'

"I took the next moment to actually absorb my surroundings. I was in the woods, which made sense because forests are the perfect place to explore the many branching paths the world had to offer. In front of me were trees. Behind me were yet more trees. To the left and right, trees and trees. Perhaps a more talented wordsmith could give this particular forest more flavor but this one got like five hours of sleep last night and is roasting in 102 degree weather. A thin film of sweat drips down from my forehead.

My rearhead was pretty sweaty too.

"Anyways, trees made for bad traveling companions even if audiences loved how easy they were to root for. I'd need to find something else. I tried to strain my ears to hear any sign of life, but some idiot was talking this whole time and it was impossible to hear over him.

"A thin film of sweat drips down my forehead. I watch it on my phone and rate it a 0 star rating on Rotten Tomatoes. There can only be one star in this story. And it's me. Babe.

"It seemed I'd have to be proactive about getting a traveling companion since all this standing around and talking to myself wasn't manifesting the results I wanted. So, I climbed up a tree and decided to wait in ambush to see if anyone worth my time and my quips might pass through that I could use to make the rest of this journey more enjoyable. But an ambush wouldn't work if I don't stop talking. So, I'm going to stop talking now. Right now."

I looked to the left, the right, cut off three vestigial heads, examined my surroundings, wiped some sweat off my front and back head, strained my ears to try and hear my surroundings, watched a movie about sweat that fell off my forehead, rated it 0 stars, then climbed a tree. From the perch, I could see a whole lot of nothing because of all the leaves and branches that were in my face.

But I still had the keenly-honed hunting instinct of a malnourished prepubescent medieval peasant child and I was prepared to use every ounce of that lethal energy in the pursuit of an unwitting travel partner. If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it. I waited. I waited a bit more. I stopped waiting, but did it in a very deliberate, wait-adjacent fashion. Then, finally, a rustle from the underbrush. Something was coming. Something… was singing."

This creature wanders through the woods, kicking dirt and stone This monster with no livelihood, looking for a home. Feet is bare and stained with dirt, hoping for some cave or yurt, Where I could bring a girl to flirt, or even just drink some yogurt. Woe! Tis I! Alone and lost, toes nearly lost to wind and frost Cross and pox accost my thoughts Mourning the cost of what I've sought!" Perfect! A quirky companion with a unique speaking cadence!

Lacking a harem, this was exactly what any up-and-coming adventurer needed! I was going to beat the shit out of this guy until he became my best friend!: D I jumpped down from above and elbow-drop this poet on the back of the neck.

"OOGA BOOGA!" I scream after the fact." I have been struck! A wound so fierce As a dagger set to cut and pierce With greater luck I'd draw a tierce I am out of words to rhyme with fierce." I get back to my feet. I re-locate my dislocated elbow and stare down my future pal. And my eyes widen as I finally get a good look at the person in front of me.

"Could it be… are you really…" I take a step forward, voice trembling.

"... Senior Systems Designer of Baulder's Gate 3 Ross Stephens?!"

"No. A flattering comparison, yet entirely untrue The creature who you elbow-dropped and gave a mighty bruise Is in fact a character all his own, a solitary muse Little better than a laughing stock, born to be abused. So hit again if you must, if you are set to maul This little creature's will is weak after living in a pall Scald and strike, dual and fight, however you are called Just ensure the end is fast for this miserable Kolbold."

"Okay." So, I beat him up until he joined my party.