Chương 45: [That Time I Realized The Story's PG-13 Rating is Only Directly Enforced by My Narrator]

As it turned out, the hypothetical question being asked by Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon? Had a very literal answer: it was wrong. Not only from a moral perspective, but also from a logistical one. Not a lot of single ladies in a dungeon. At least not a lot of living ones.

"Geez, this is grim stuff. I gotta be honest man some of these corpses suggest these people died in very not PG-13 appropriate ways."

"Anything off-screen is basically fair game." Ilia reminded me as she helped me up some stairs.

"Your narrator is more than just proof of your status as a protagonist, it literally makes it safer to be in your orbit. For anyone not trying to kill you anyway." Ah, right. The narrator. Their appearance was what kicked off this whole adventure, in a manner of speaking. I spent ten sad years living a miserable life to try to lure one into my orbit, but ever since it arrived, I hadn't spent much time thinking about it. It spoke with my voice and reflected my thoughts, yet…

it always did just a little bit more than that. Like we were two circles that didn't perfectly overlap. But I guessed overthinking the mechanics of it would betray the foundational comedy that this satire needed to survive.

"I hadn't really thought about it. I've mostly just been doing what my obviously evil mentor has been telling me to do."

"Do you take constructive criticism?"

"No, but I'll take advice if it's sandwiched between humor-coded abuse."

"See, that's the first thing," Ilia pushed the door open for us at the top of the tower, and I used my recently-unlocked hard-light version of the Stat Screen to crush a gargoyle to death.

"Not everything has to be a joke. It's exhausting enough trying to survive a magical world — isn't it also exhausting trying to be funny all the time?"

"Isn't it better to be funny, though?"

"... you know comedy isn't a niche, right?" She stared at me as if her gaze would help me digest her words. It kind of did.

"There are funny people and joke stories everywhere you look, Jake. The world is not wanting for witty people using their cleverness to help others smile or laugh. It's not your ability to make people laugh that makes you stand out — it's the unique voice you use to tell your silly jokes. And that voice doesn't have to exist exclusively for jokes."

"But I'm good at it."

"Then be good at it, don't be married to it." That line left me thinking for a bit. Long enough for Ilia to realize I wasn't going to interrupt her, so she could continue.

"But anyway. What I was going to say was: maybe stop listening to your obviously evil mentor?"

"Hey, someone can be obviously evil and also a good mentor. I've gotten a lot stronger under their care. I can see my stats now. I went to school for a few chapters. I become an AI-generated porcelain-skinned Asian twink in needlessly complicated leather armor. And because they're such a good teacher I'm confident I can beat them when they try to betray me." This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"You can't outwit what you don't know, Jake. Just-""-Yes I can you see my int score is higher than their int score."

"That's- that's not really what I'm getting at." Her face cracked a bit as her patience took a blow from my obstinate correctness.

"It doesn't matter if your score is higher if they're using theirs and you're not using yours."

"Okay but… but see," I pull up my stat screen and point to my int.

"See this number? 300, 301? That number is higher than their score of 100. So I win."

"What I'm saying is that if someone ambushes you-""-my numbers are higher so I win."

"What if someone does something you don't anticipate-""-my numbers are higher so I win."

"There are a lot of ways you can maneuver-""-Bigger numbers. I win." She sighed, tapping her foot against the hard stone of the dungeon. An expression of impatience and a not-so-subtle flex that she had a foot to spare for such expressions.

"And what if you run into someone with bigger numbers?"

"Feh. Then I just grind till my numbers are bigger than theirs." I smirk.

"See, this is why I wanted to be isekai'd. Everything here is simple. Every problem comes packaged with its solution."

"Well. I guess I can't argue. My int is only 84, after all."

"See? Now you're getting it." She sighed.

"New world, same old Jake, huh?"

"I should really ask my dad to name me one of these days." For all the dangers the dungeon presented to others, to me, it was little more than a buffet of experience and treasures. What meager resistance the monsters and traps offered were utterly crushed and disarmed by my overwhelming strength, unrivaled speed, and unmatched intelligence. The worst part was waiting for Ilia to pick up the various loot drops and crack open the chests that would slowly shrink my medical debt.

By the time I had utterly humiliated the final boss by impaling them on the chest with the volume meter of my stat screen, it seemed she had managed to scavenge together the funds to liberate myself —and herself by extension — from whatever debt was plaguing my past life.

"It's a lucky thing the author isn't smart enough to think of how an enormous influx of gold from multidimensional travel would severely deflate its value across the board," Ilia sighed with satisfaction as she slapped the last gold coin into the envelope for the Interdimensional UPS.

"Because of that, we were able to pay off your debt and pre-pay for any future penis reduction surgeries you might involuntarily receive in the future."

"Can we maybe not do that? I thought you said everything didn't have to be a joke."

"I mean, yeah, but… also some things are just going to always be a joke, right?"

"Ah shucks."

"Hey, cheer up. Sure, you still don't have a harem and your penis is going to get comically smaller, but you made my day and my life a lot better. And that makes you a hero. Of sorts."

"Feh. Don't insult me. I'm not here to be a hero, and I'll never be one. I'm only here for revenge. Or rather to get stronger so when I do need to get revenge eventually I'll be ready for it."

"Hm. Right. Well, good luck with that."

"... yeah. But Ilia, before you go?"

"Hm?"

"Just… we probably shouldn't see each other again. Once I get my harem and my harem stat is maxed out, if you do see me… well… you'll have to join my harem, probably. And I don't think either of us want that." Ilia blinked, her smile wavering slightly, drooping into something like a weary laugh as she turned away from me, her hands slipping into her pocket.

"... yeah. You're right. But hey, who knows? Maybe we'll be isekai'd into the same world again someday. When neither of us are a protagonist. So either of us could be anything."

"No I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be the protagonist forever and ever and ever and ever."

"Okay sure whatever bye."