Chương 37: [That Time a Cantaloupe Proved to be the Most Daunting Challenge of my Isekai'd Life]

I was barely through my first lesson when there was an explosion at the door. On the other side stood a young girl who might have been my childhood friend? It was still up for review. We'll get back to you on that.

"Protagonist-sama!" She gasped, panting heavily, sweat dripping down her brow.

"You forgot to do the entrance exam arc!"

"Oh crap that's the perfect time to flex on losers! Okay, uh, you're all expelled until I do that class expelled." I made some toast, put it in my mouth, then hopped out the door to the testing grounds, where all the new students would be tested on their magical abilities before they were allowed to study at this prodigious university. I got there just as the door was exploding, squeaking in right before the blast could singe my face off and instead singed the back of my face off. It was fine.

I hardly ever used it.

"Welcome, prospective students of St. Alphons." The dean, a wizened old woman wearing a cowboy hat and a Female Body Inspector shirt, addressed the small crowd of new students.

"As you can see, we are very selective about who we even consider joining our esteemed student body… a selectiveness that will not be reflected when you actually join and most of your classmates turn out to be worthless scrubs who couldn't have possibly passed the test we're about to put you through. But before all that, why don't we all get to know each other by going in a circle, introducing ourselves, and sharing two truths and a lie?"

All sixteen candidates started introducing themselves and sharing inane facts that I completely ignored because I'm too smart for lies and too cool for the truth. When it was my turn, I snorted and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Feh. I'm not sharing my name because I want you people keeping it out of your mouths. Two truths and a lie? I'm gonna kick your ass, I'm no hero, and I'm here to make friends."

"Oh, I know the lie. You're not gonna kick shit with only one leg," The student next to me preened, with fire-red hair, fiery eyes, and sharp teeth that were by no means human or natural but kept showing up in people's mouths for some reason?

"What's wrong, idiot never grown back a leg before?"

"Blek. Save your taunting for someone who cares. My care stat? At zero probably. I have full immunity to caring most likely." At some point I needed to stop being immeasurable. It was starting to be a real pain in the butt.

"My name is Pat, I'm glad to arrive To share two truths and one lie at this time I love to sing, it's my calling true I cannot resist a frosty brew And when combat does call, my axe will hew Any who try to pry my rhymes." Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Okay, good. That's it. We're done." The dean nodded to herself.

"Now, the test is split into three parts: The Trial of Lead, the Trial of Silver, and the Trial of Pearls. Any who are still confident in their ability to join our prodigious school, step forth and begin the first trial!" Fifteen people stepped forward. I didn't step forward. I had to hop.

"Very well! The Trial of Lead begins… now!" The teachers in attendance, including the dean, whipped out some pistols and shot us a bunch. Ten people died on the spot, but not me. I'm made of harder stuff. The bullets just bounced off me and hit the people standing next to me including Pat. But after a few seconds of concentrated fire the clips were empty and the teachers were satisfied.

"Nice. Next up is the Trial of Silver. Who here is still prepared to face this daunting test?" Those who survived stood firm in the face of this new test, our eyes steeled with resolve.

"Very well… gimmie 100 bucks." Four of the remaining six students lined up to bribe the Dean, who accepted our cash with a sage and wise nod. The other two just left cuz they didn't bring any cash. Once pocketed, we returned to the testing ground to stand among our still-bleeding comrades.

"You've all done well to make it this far." The Dean grinned like a wildcat.

"I can see we're going to have an exceptional crop of young talent this year… but one test yet remains."

"Bring it on!" The fiery redhead slammed his fists together in an excited show of force.

"I'll do my best!" My childhood friend (not Illia) meekly proclaimed, fidgeting from the attention.

"Just so you know, I'm not trying to get into this school because I like it or anything," The Tsundre blushed and turned her head away.

"Blez bla bee. Waste of my time." I cooly snorted.

"Then let us begin the Trial of Pearls. For this test, all of you will have a one-on-one interview with a teacher. Best of luck… you shall need it." Four private chambers emerged from the ground, conjured by magic or some shit. I hopped towards mine and casually drop-kicked the door open (drop-kicking was the only kind of kicking I could do these days y'know) before wiggling inside. There was nothing particularly fancy about the chamber.

It was just a room with two chairs and a window which lead to the dimension of eternal falling. I made a note of this before flopping over to the chair and taking a seat opposite my teacher.

"Ah, so you're the talented upstart I've heard so much about," the teacher growled.

"So you know, I've had an arbitrary grudge against you from the moment I laid eyes on you, probably because you immaculate me with your main character energy. So I look forward to doing everything in my power to prevent you from getting into this school, or failing that, being an obstacle to you the whole time."

"I didn't come here to talk, old man. I'm here to finish this stupid test. Let's just get started already."

"Right you are…" the teacher snorted.

"Let us commence the Trial of Pearls. As you probably caught on, every trial so far has been a test of some attribute or skill we expect to see in our student body. The Trial of Lead was a test of magical ability and your ability to react under pressure. The Trial of Silver was a test of your willingness to pay tuition. And the Trial of Pearls is where we test your proficiency and experience at The Sex." Oh no.

"I've prepared this cantaloupe for you," the teacher gestured to a fruit on the table.

"If you really do have The Sex, you should know exactly what to do with this. Otherwise… you'll never get to join St. Alphons!" My eyes darted between the fruit and my laughing instructor — was my time at St. Alphons already at an end? Was I going to fail my mentor and myself in my quest to become stronger and/or get a harem?! How was I going to resolve this in a PG-13 way when the only tools I had in front of me was a window to the Endless Falling dimension and a history of throwing teachers out windows?!

Find out next time!