Chương 7: 1/2 teaspoon of salt

"Noooooooooooo-" I scream as I'm dissolved into a fine mist.

"We did it!" Ilia beamed, running over to hug The Goblin, "And we didn't even have to use your secret technique!"

"Hoory!" The Goblin cheered, extinguishing the fuses on his pipe bombs.

"Yes I am very proud of you son," The Judge solemnly nodded, "I was afraid I would have to sentence you to community service or something but as always the community can go screw itself."

"Thanks dad," The Goblin kissed The Judge on the mouth, "anyway, we should get back with Santa Claus so we can continue our hunt for the four Sage Stones."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that," the demon snarled, waving a hand to destroy the courthouse and everyone inside, "you may have tricked the judge and fooled the cops, but that doesn't mean you're a match for me!"

"I wouldn't want to be any kind of fire-starting implement for you," The Goblin balked back, too emotionally invested in the situation to acknowledge or mourn the passing of his father.

"Be that as it may I'll still strike your head and burn you to ash!" the great monster roared. The battle that followed was something beyond legendary. For legends, and the epics they inspire, are mere projections; the faulty, imperfect creations of small minds that can't comprehend the scale of the words they so carelessly throw around. To say a blow would shake the heavens conjures a pretty picture, but to feel the true impact of that blow is beyond any force of imagination.

To say their battle drenched the earth in blood and shattered realities are poetic words rendered meaningless by their abstractions. So instead, this author offers you this compromise: where words fail, and imagination flounders, he calls upon memory and empathy. For you, reader, have you not experienced awe in your life before? The vastness of the sea, the terror of the dark, the rumble of thunder: take those moments that live in your memory, contained in their perfect glass houses, and relive them for a time.

Sit in those feelings of preserved greatness, the times you truly felt small and weak and grateful to have witnessed something so far beyond you. And once you capture those mighty feelings, kindly place them here, and imagine that's how you'd be feeling after seeing the dope fight scene between the demon and the heroes. Just, like… yeah lemmie piggyback on that. Anyway. The demon was stabbed a third time.

"OW!" The evil guardian of the first Sage Stone recoiled, "I need that chest I eat pretzels off it sometimes." Ilia was panting, bruised beyond recognition. Santa was nearly unconscious, struggling to stay on his feet even as blood loss and weariness pulled on him harder than the gravity of the earth. The Goblin died really quickly; he wasn't even 10-C let's be for real. You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

"What was it all for…?" Ilia asked through coughing fits, "we wanted to save the world with the Sage Stones, but our battle has destroyed what we sought to protect…"

"Ya." The demon agreed, "pretty bad move."

"Ho ho ho!" Santa turned to his companion just as his knees gave out, "I know you don't care for him, but we can't do this without protagonist-kun. He might not be the strongest character in fiction and his bit might be getting old really fast but it's our only ho-ho-hope…"

"There's no point, Santa Claus! We've already been written into a corner! The world is destroyed, our de-facto heroic replacement was killed, and we already banished the reincarnated fetus of the first hero to the Shadow Realm! This world, our story… it's over." She fell to the ground, fingers curling around the charred soil that had once been so full of life.

"It's… it's over.

"Oh, I disagree." Ilia, Santa Claus, and the demon turn to face the newcomer, their eyes wide." Jesus Christ?!" they all say at the same time.

"That's right my children. As it turned out, this was that kind of story," Jesus Christ nodded patiently.

"And through me, all things are saved. Including the plot to this stupid, stupid waste of time." So Jesus Christ did what he did best: he died immediately, and in the process, saved everyone and everything. The Goblin came back, I returned, and the world was returned to its pre-destroyed state. Everyone cheered, even the demon. Not because he was happy, he just felt peer pressured into it.

"So how do you like that, demon? God himself was on our side very briefly." I stand between the demon and my party, "So now it's time to give up, wouldn't you say?"

"God drat you, Jesus Christ!" The demon shook his fist menacingly at the heavens as I quickly edited over his original text, "I'll get you for this one day! But first, I have to crush these puny heroes yet again. Come! Our battle will be two paragraphs long, at least!"

"Heh. Killing you is a waste of time. But if you want to die, never let it be said I'm not charitable," I smirk.

"Tell you what: for keeping us entertained for a few chapters, I'll unleash. 0004% of my true power."

"Big words from a small man! It would take a kickflip combo of at least x5000 to kill me!"

"Is that so?" My eyes gleamed, "As it so happened, I never stopped kickflipping from chapter 2! My combo is already at x43, 111!"

"Oh dan-." And the demon exploded just before he could finish what he was going to say hooray!

"Hows' THAT for 6-B, jerk! Now I scale to a demon who destroyed the world!"

"Goku would still whoop you tho," Ilia pointed out.

"Whatever. Jesus Christ was right this is stupid."