Chương 29: [That Time I Learned I Make Horse Sounds in my Sleep for Some Reason]

Last time on "The Worst LitRPG on Royal Road":"I wonder if I could beat up my party members for easy EXP…?" I asked while staring wistfully at the moon.

"Slavery is the easy and ethical solution to meeting women!" The Kobold flashed the camera a thumbs up.

"Oh no! Is this the end of my new life in a dangerous new world!?" I screamed as a mosquito charges mercilessly towards my neck. Cut to black! Cue the opening theme! … we do not have an opening theme! Hum something to yourself for like a minute and a half and that's our official opening theme! Do that every time you start a chapter now! If you're not going to support the Patreon that's the price you have to pay to engage with my work and if you don't I'll tell mom! Anyway!

The mosquito was still charging for my neck. If he reached it, it would be "Game Over" for "Me". I had to act fast. It would be at my glowing weak point in a manner of moments at this rate. Fortunately for me, despite my desperate tone in the last chapter and the recap at the start of this chapter, I was actually feeling very in-control of the situation.

'Heh. I was only letting this mosquito hit me a few times to make things interesting' is something I might have said if I didn't have a golf-ball sized hole in my chest.

'But now that I'm getting bored, I might as well finish this'. While the mosquito was mere millimeters away from my neck, I quickly grabbed a nearby rock and swallowed it whole. The rock slid down my throat just as the mosquito tried to stab at my weak spot with its probing proboscis — perfectly parrying the perilous poke. The mosquito was forced into a stagger animation and I used that opportunity to grab the half of my leg that it tore off and smack the mosquito into the dirt, killing it with a critical hit.

"Heh." I smirked.

"Looks like it wasn't "Game Over" for "Me". It was "Game Over" for "Thee"."

"A cunning technique against a clever beast Slew the bug and ended its feast""You're right, Kobold. That absolutely should have been enough to level me up." I stared expectantly at my quickly-paling wrist, waiting for some kind of congratulations or sign. Yet I got nothing except really clammy hands, dizziness, and quickly fading consciousness.

"You don't suppose the symptoms of leveling up are the same as the symptoms for extreme blood loss?" I ask as my eyelids started to flutter and the pooling blood from my leg and my chest reached my chin. The Kobold made a really cool and funny song answering my question, but I was too busy being unconscious to hear it: (This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. … I woke up with a startled "neigh" and sat up, panting violently. I put a hand to my chest to feel my heart still beating. I put another hand to my head to feel my hair still growing. I put yet another hand on my face to feel my cheek still cheeking." I'm alive…?" I ask, turning my head to see the warm glow of a fire, a sleeping Kobold, and a mysterious stranger standing in the shadows of the flames. I couldn't quite make out their face, but I could feel their eyes on me regardless. So, I picked them up and rolled them back over to them, which they snatched off the ground and rubbed clean." Well, well, well. Look who's finally up." The figure darkly chuckled." To think I'd find the would-be protagonist curled up in an above-ground pool of their own blood and piss and poop. What sort of terrible beast must have done that to you, I wonder?"" You should be wondering what terrible things I'm gonna do to you if you don't tell me who you are." I snarl." I make a habit of not trusting strange men with loose eyes."" I'm not a man," the figure corrected me, "nor a woman. I'm… a friend. Someone preordained to find you, someone destined to guide you, towards your… hehehheheheheheheh… fate…. mwahahahahaha HAHAHAHHAAAAA HAHAHAHAAAAAAHA BAAAAHAAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAHAAA HAAAAHAAAAAHAAAHHHH!!!!!"" Oh neat."" Right you are, my young protegee. Allow me to properly introduce myself. You can call me The Dicster. And I see great potential in you theoretically. In practice, I don't see shit because my eyes are in backwards and your stat screen skill isn't high enough to conjure your stat screen." Of course! Now that they said it like that, it was painfully obvious why I couldn't summon my stat screen! The Goddess did tell me this was a 'cultivation' world, which meant I needed to cultivate the ability to do literally anything, including seeing my stats!" But worry not, young tadpole. I shall take the mantle of your tutor and train you in the ways of the world. I shall make you strong. I shall make you worthy. I shall make you… delicious. And I shall ask nothing in return, because is it not the job of the Protagonist to receive yet never give? Is it not your destiny to consume yet never provide?! I would never think to challenge the natural order of things. No. Never. I am as much a slave to my role… as you are a master in yours." Wow. Y'know, I was going to worry a bit because this whole thing was a little weird, but ever since they assured me by saying I should worry not, my opinion of this guy (said in a gender neutral way) just keeps going up. I'm so glad I have the opportunity to trust them with my life!" Heh. Fine. But just so you know, I'm not getting any help from you. That is to say, as The Protagonist, I never need help from anybody. And if you ever doubt that, just ask that mosquito. Hypothetically. You can't literally because I killed them by eating a rock."" Also worry not about those additional concerns," they said (dang they should be like a therapist this is great)." I'm aware. I'm perfectly… aware." They turned their back to me, crossing their arms over their chest." Now rest up and let your leg grow back. Tomorrow, you'll learn how to train your Stat skill. And once I— I mean, once you know all your little secrets… nothing will stop you."" Kay, sounds good. Night dad."