Chương 35: [That Time I Used Beginner HTML Code to Kill a Dragon]

A scream. The starting gun. A rising tide of panic and bodies sweep over the marketplace. Shopkeepers, beggars, travelers, scammers, families, warriors, all trampling over one another in a desperate race to escape the enormous beast which had descended from the sky. Hundreds of bodies packed against one another, straining desperately to put as much distance as they could between where they were and what was coming. Yet they couldn't outrun its shadow. Nor could they outrun its hunger.

The dragon's roar seemed to have a wicked playfulness to it, as if it were saying 'go ahead and run! Faster, faster, perhaps you might get away!' Trying to conjure even greater levels of terror and urgency. But one man stood against the tide of rushing bodies and the shadow of this terrible monster. One hooded figure with a hand on the hilt of his blade, his eyes cast downward — as if this earth-shaking, sky-rending beast weren't worth the effort to raise his head to meet it.

And even as the human tide threw themselves against him, he stood stoic and unmovable, like a rock splitting a river in half. The dragon landed, crushing stalls and destroying homes with a mighty sweep of its tail. Its enormous, cat-like eyes flashed onto the one figure who wasn't trying to escape. The one man who seemed utterly unmoved by its power, its wings, or its claim of dominion over this once-peaceful place. A man who was utterly apathetic to the world and everything in it. Including this beast.

The dragon's humor-laden cruelty took a twist for the indignant: what kind of fool would try to act unmoved by its power? Who could gaze upon its castle-sized body and not tremble? Who could stare upon its talons, sharp enough to rend the sky asunder, and not beg for mercy? Who would face down its terrible maw with breath that burned hotter than the lake of fire that crackled eternally in the underworld and not even glance backwards? Who was this man?! Who was this fool?! Who was this… Hero?!

With a terrible roar, the Dragon lifted his head, preparing to incinerate both this sole hero and those hapless fools who were trying to run away. And only then did the Hero mutter, as if only now bothering to acknowledge the terrible terror before him.

"Waste of my time…" A flick of the wrist. A stat screen appeared in front of the Dragon quite suddenly. It contained numbers and stats, all of which were immeasurable and thus useless. But those numbers and stats weren't the important part. Another flick of the wrist and I increased the brightness to max then switched the stat screen to Light Mode.

"Ah! That kind of gives me a headache!" The dragon roared, recoiling from the sudden burst of light and the terrible UI design of the stat block. But I wouldn't let it escape. I moved the stat screen so it was directly in front of his eye then used an HTML code to change the font to WordArt with a strobing light effect. I added a PNG of a dancing skeleton and a low-resolution explosion. Air horn sounds erupted from the screen at various pitches. To the tune of Mambo No. 5.

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"Get this crap out of my face!" The dragon turned around in a futile effort to escape. But I wasn't about to let it get away from me. I hopped forward and flicked my wrist at speeds that would make a gooner blush. Switching between dark and light mode. The dragon's eyes grew wide and it started foaming at the mouth. Collapsing as the various aggressive light effects caused its brain to seize up.

Within moments, the beast had died from oversimulated nerve cells in the visual cortex, which caused hyperactive, abnormal electrical discharges to spread rapidly across the brain. I literally blew its mind with just my stat screen. As the dragon fell, a gust of wind conjured by its fall swept the hood off the would-be hero. It was me. Old enough to have sexual intercourse legally.

"We're saved!" One villager cheered, causing everyone to stop running simultaneously and stare at me, eyes full of admiration and love.

"That man rescued us from that terrible beast! He's a hero!"

"Feh." I snort, taking a hop away.

"I didn't save you and I'm not hero. I just-""-Oh okay." Everyone stopped looking at me and started going about their business. Which I was perfectly fine with. I didn't need their praise or their love or their money or even possibly some food or a place to spend the night. I didn't need anything from these simpletons. Their admiration, their food, their coin… it held no interest to me. I was here for one reason and one reason only. I hopped over to the daycare and knocked on the door.

"Hey, I'm here to pick up Pat the Kobold."

"Pat! Your party's here!"

"Oh happy day, to find me fit Are you already done with your time skip?" The Kobold sang as he emerged from the play area.

"It was a grueling immeasurable amount of time," I said as I ran four still-malformed fingers through my hair.

"But I've accomplished a lot or maybe very little after all this grinding. Heh. I bet you barely recognize me."

"A stranger's guide is on your face No trace of the hopeless basket case Remains within this familiar space Also are you wearing lace?

"Yeah it's pretty," I said as I hopped in a circle to do a little twirl.

"Anyway. Let's get out of here. The Dicster wants both of us for what's coming next. They say it has plot relevance. Heh. As if I care about a measured piece of land. All I care about is revenge."

"Then lead the way my good friend I shall follow you until the end I'll never forget the day we came to meet When you fell from the sky and beat the shit out of me."

"Yeah good times." The two of us left the daycare with an explosion as we headed for my old mentor. I didn't owe the old fart anything, but… feh, couldn't hurt to hear what they had to say, right?