Chương 47: [That Time a Psychic Demigod Gave me a Seizure for Being a Nerd]

Nobody was quite sure how the Adventuring Guild worked, they just sort of knew they needed one. Economically they made no sense. Sure, there were monsters that caused problems and wolves that needed slaying, but generally the people most plagued by these woes weren't the people who could bankroll an organization of this size or scale. And why would a duke or a king need to hire adventurers for anything when they had a standing army doing nothing but picking their nose and mugging people at the gates?

What's more, as an independent body made up of incredibly powerful and often antagonistic killers, they were directly at odds with those local peacekeeping and military bodies. What country in their right mind would enable — let alone support — a third-party, financially-motivated organization whose capacity for violence not only challenged, but possibly exceeded their own local defenses?

From a worldbuilding perspective it was like inviting someone into your home and paying them to point a fully-loaded pistol at the back of your head 24/7. So naturally there were like seven of them in this country alone. They had their own softball league. The Dicter and I stepped inside. I'm not going to bother explaining what it looked like because you already flippin' know. Don't insult us both by pretending to need to have this crap described to you.

You might as well ask me to describe the color blue or what fingers look like. You also know who was behind the front desk. We've all done this song and dance before.

"Hello," The Dicter introduced themselves, "my companion and I seem to be short on party members. We were hoping to do a recruitment montage, if it's within your ability to provide." The rotating disk of crushed teeth at the reception gurgled something from the appropriate orifice while using one of its twitching pedipalps to gesture to a table at the back corner of the inn. The Dicster nodded in appreciation and gave the receptionist a kiss on her hands, which were clipping through the wall.

And of course, he reacted to this S-teir rizzshow exactly as you'd expect, by going through the karmic cycle of rebirth sixteen times within the span of a single blink.

"Our endless gratitude, my dear."

"Wow. I had no idea you had such a way with t̸̘̱̝̮̤̟͕̣̺̂̐̈̏̊̍̇́̕͜͠ḫ̴̢̡̛̰͍̘͕̠̝̻͇̍͗̂̆̾̒͂̍̄́̉͗͛̕e̵̮̖͎̼͙͍͖͕̹̺̞̾͛͒̊ ̷̢̡̛͕̹̫͎͓̯̩̫̠̝̰̻̀̀̽͛̊̆̒́e̷̛̮̟̼͙̟̿̊̀̓͒̆̋̀͋͊͒̈́̆̕̚͘͠y̶͕̪̟̮͎̦̩̣̟͓̥̱͙͎̻̏͋́̈́̆́͒̾̒̀̐̄̀̈̏̚̚͘͜ê̸͚""I suppose you could say my cheat skill is… having a way with words." Everyone in the guild clapped as we took our seat. A few people even joined their harem because people love puns that much. In his grave, Shakespear wept, for he knew an entire lifetime of work had been eternally outdone by that single joke.

My dad starts calling me 'son' again. Anyway, we didn't have to sit there for long before the first adventurer showed up, a cute elf girl wielding a bow.

"Hi! I'm Elara! I was kicked out of my secluded Elvish village because I saved a hero's life. So I joined his party for a while but then they got wiped when they tried to attack a car wash. I was the only survivor. But my adventuring days aren't over so I'd love the chance to travel with you!" Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

"Feh. Sounds like your party was a real wash, huh?" Out of sheer cosmic pity the timeline resets, giving me the chance to try that one again.

"Pfft. I guess your party just lacked drive." The universe must be feeling real judgy these days because I got another crack at it via a timeline reset.

"Hmph. Sounds like you'd just slow us down, kid. I don't need any dead weight."

"Oh I didn't bring any of my old party with me, don't worry!" She assured me.

"Also, I know I might look like a kid to you humans, but I'm actually thousands of millions of years old. I actually predate all known history and the creation story behind this universe."

"Do you act like you're thousands of millions of years old?"

"Oh heavens, no. I have such severe elvish dementia I can barely remember why I'm here."

"Good enough." The Dicter waved her into the party.

"Next." A second cute girl approached the party. She had spikes in her hair and bubble gum on her lip and Taco Bell 5-Alarm Chilli Powder under her fingernails and some kind of conjoined twin growing out of her neck who called herself "Belle" and wore a dashing tiara and a stunning sundress made of her skinned enemies.

"Hi! I'm Elara 2, and this is Belle, my psychic demigod conjoined twin sister. We're not adventurers and we have no experience but we saw you from across the bar and liked your vibe so we thought it'd be cool to die in a dungeon together."

"Two in one. Good deal." The Dicster turned to me.

"See? We're three girls in already. How on earth did you struggle with this?"

"You sent me to school and to a dungeon first."

"Feh. Look at this nerd, doing what his mentor tells him to do. Belle, give him a seizure." Belle, for lack of anything else to do with her godlike psychic powers, gave me a seizure. Of course, the plan was for her to give me a stroke, but this is still a PG-13 story, after all. Anyway, it's very uncomfortable, but I get over it and the next candidate, a catgirl, steps up.

"H-hello. M-my name is, um… Also Elara 2. I'm a healer, but, um, I'm not a very good one, so… my last party ditched me for an axe so they can just cut off their limbs or euthanize themselves instead of trusting my magic. B-but I promise I'll try my very hardest with you! Please let me into your group. I'm begging you!"

"That's probably fine," The Dicster waved her in.

"Call me a militant globalist because I don't believe in flags." Four women now stood behind us, talking amongst themselves, developing character, having personalities, whatever it was they were supposed to do. But it hardly mattered who they were or what their names were or what their stories are: what mattered was they were in the party, which meant they were only a stone's throw from being in my harem. In this genre it was often basically synonymous.

"Alright well we're done here." The Dicster stood up.

"Go… fight the demon lord or whatever. Just don't come back until these women are all madly and exclusively in love with you. Got it?"

"Hmph. Don't tell me what to do. And you girls? Don't hold me back. I'm not here to mommy you or pick up after you or wipe your butt for you if you have a woopsie. I'm here to win. So if you can't keep up… keep out of my way."

"... okay, but I might actually need that kind of hospice care. I am so old." Elara raised her hand.

"Well obviously I didn't mean it in a discriminatory way. If you actually need accommodation for your physical and mental needs then of course we'll do everything we can to respectfully support you. But otherwise: don't hold me back." With that, I took my new party and my clown wig and hopped towards whatever adventure I needed to have to make these women fall madly in love with me.