Chương 12: Whisk the flour, salt, and other seasoning until smooth

(Ok so you don't get confused we're shifting perspectives again so now it's the first Protagonist's perspective instead of Gabriel Lightbringer Lovefire k?) I can't believe I was almost tricked into drinking water. Is this kid really as weak as they say he is?! Something here was very wrong… very not right indeed. Left, even. Every bit of intel I gathered on this kid after years of research suggested he was just a happy-go-lucky, trusting ray of sunshine… what's with this sudden edge?

Why was he suddenly so hot and cool? Why do I blush every time I look at him now — not because I think he cares about me, but because I'm certain he doesn't. Wait. I've seen this before. I whip out my Paranatural Handheld Operation Nexus Electronic and dial up an old… let's call them…

'freind'. HEY WHAT'S UP.

"Don't you 'hey what's up' me. Did you just reverse time to resurrect some guy? LOL. LMAO.

"What's so funny?!" OH MAN THIS IS AWKWARD. BUT LIKE, FUNNY-AWKWARD. YEAH THAT WAS ME MAN SORRY.

"Why would you do that?! This is important! We need to get that Vyrant Gate or else there will be unspecific consequences!" I CAN'T HELP IT HE'S THE MAIN CHARACTER RIGHT NOW. IF YOU WANT TO KILL HIM FOR REAL YOU'LL NEED TO RE-CENTER THE PLOT ON YOURSELF.

"I NEVER STOPPED BEING THE MAIN CHARACTER!!!!" OH REALLY? DOUBLE-CHECK THE NARRATION. (Okay so now we're shifting back to Gabriel Lightbringer Lovefire's perspective. I know this is confusing and everything but I'm CRAFTING a STORY and I can't let things like conventions and readability get in the way of my artistic vision) I narrow my eye (I have an eyepatch now) suspiciously at my new companion, screaming incoherent french into their smartphone.

Something about the way they tried and succeeded at killing me before I was mysteriously reborn made me think she was up to no good. I could just kill her… but that wouldn't be very satisfying. She deserves far worse for trying to get me to drink water so I would piss outside and get on Santa's Naughty List so he could kill me with a shotgun and steal the Vyrant Gate. I was going to have my revenge… but I was going to enjoy it.

"-Cola, selling over 1. 9 billion bottles of delicious soda every day to thirsty people everywhere!" The Goblin (girl) put a hand on her hips, kicking the waterskin contaminated with water. This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author's work.

"You make a good point, The Goblin (girl)", I idly muse.

"Everyone, I've got a thirst only the smooth, rich flavor of Coca-Cola can quench. Let's hunt one down."

"I didn't say that or narrow my eye!" Protagonist-Chan gasped, stepping backwards, "And my name is being said in third person! Oh no!"

"Outbursts like that will scare away the Coke," I snap at her, eye narrowed further, "I don't need dead weight in my party, Protagonist-Sensei. Shape up… or ship out."

"Oh no he's even turning me on! I really am- I mean- I-I'm not dead weight! I'm stronger than you, you talentless hack! I'll show you who's 'weak'! Fight me! With our clothes off!" Protagonist-Kun declared, face flush and sword drawn.

"No. I can't get naked here. It would be… naughty." The Goblin (girl) and Ilia exchange a look. It seems their plan was falling apart in front of them. Good. I'm neither the hero, nor the villain. I'm just Gabriell Lightbringer Lovefire. And I won't rest until my revenge is complete. We strike out to hunt down some more product placement. Not to get paid for it, of course. Nobody would pay to be part of this train wreck. It was all for the love of the game, baby.

This is pure, unadulterated lust for the capitalist economic system. Adam Smith says "jump" and we ask how high. Thomas Malthus says "don't jump" and we ask why not. David Ricardo says "do a handstand" and we ask if we can jump instead because handstands are hard. If bitcoin were in this world I would have some. Next time I'm Isekai'd I'm going to ask the Goddess for a magical data center so I can build it in poor communities. We don't have to travel far.

As an Elf, Elina has keen senses and a natural affinity for hunting down manufactured goods. With her leading the way, my new party crouches just outside the Coca-Cola bottling plant in Martorelles, Spain, owned by the Cobega family. It's the perfect place to quench my thirst… and trap my would-be un-doers in one swift do.

"Here's the plan," I say as I lay the plans out on a nearby rock.

"Any questions?"

"Y-yeah, c-can you read them o-out loud?" Reena the mage tenderly raised her hand, "I-I'm illiterate…"

"Right. Here's the plan out loud: we go in. We exchange legal tender for some coca-cola. We get out. Any questions?" Everybody nods in understanding, knowing full well that we might not get out of this alive. After all: this bottling plant only had a 3. 5 score on Google Reviews. Who knew what kind of terrors lurked in those well-lit fluorescent halls? But I wouldn't hesitate to throw my entire party into the fire if it would mean burning those who'd wronged me. Heck — I might even welcome the kindling.

(Okay we're switching back to the other Protagonist-tan so try to not let the perspective shift make you dizzy) How could this all be going wrong so fast? Not only had I failed to get him to drink water, but now I was going along with his adventure as if he were the one driving the plot instead of me! I had to do something: not only for my own ego, but for Santa Claus, who was relying on me, and for Ilia and The Goblin (boy this time) who were counting on my leadership to save the day.

Surely I had some kind of hidden skill or OP power that would let me reverse our fortunes and turn this whole thing around before we all get butchered in the Martorelles Coca-Cola bottling plant??? FIND! OUT! NEXT! TIME! IN! SOME! OTHER! BOOK!