Chương 25: [That Time I Was Reincarnated as a Newborn and Accidentally Deadnamed My Old Nemesis]

"Look at him, Merrith. He's beautiful."

"Let me… let me hold him, please."

"Aye. I'm so proud of you, my love."

"Oh… oh. He's beautiful. He's perfect. Our baby boy…" A wracked woman and a shivering father huddle around their newborn child as if he were the last light in a world plagued by darkness. A naked, trembling baby, still blushing and wet from nine long months in the cradle of life. Yet, as small and weak and powerless as he was, as far as the man and the woman were concerned, he had a flame that could beat back any cold that might threaten them.

He was the catalyst that transformed them from humble adults to the sacred role of parents. He was the proof that for all the love they had known in their long lives, it was but a fraction of the love their hearts were truly capable of. This, they realized, was the secret behind all the wonderful things they had known, would ever know, and may never know: for if the stars had even a fraction of the affection for their own offspring as they had for their firstborn… then the universe was truly flooded with love.

And everything would make sense. Everything would be all right. They glanced at each other to confirm they were each captured in this perfect moment together. Tears pricked the corners of their eyes. By god, they weren't just a couple anymore. They were a family.

"So you guys are my folks now, huh?" Jake asked, utterly oblivious to the moment.

"Oh, it's just one of those reincarnated weirdos." His mom sighed, dropping Jake onto the floor with a splat.

"Nevermind."

"Dang." His father huffed as well, putting a hand on his hip.

"Welp, that was a wasted nine months."

"Hey, don't be like that, I'm still technically your kid," Jake insisted as he hopped to his feet, wiping some placenta off his face.

"My name's Jake and I look forward to being your messiah this lifetime."

"Sorry, I didn't mean t' be rude," his dad sighed, crouching down to shake his newborn's hand.

"I'm M'lire'seta'vina and yer mom's name is Merrith. It'll be a pleasure workin' with you I'm sure."

"Yes, nice to meet you." Merrith offered her hand next.

"I hope my womb was comfortable."

"Bit of a tight squeeze, but it was cozy enough. So, what's the situation here? Gimmie the 411."

"Well, we were just a couple of humble peasants, but I'm pretty sure m' pa is secretly some sort of deposed prince, so you got a spot of royal blood in ya. Might be the rightful king to the kingdom if I got m' facts straight." Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Really? You never told me that," Merrith frowned.

"Aye, well, wouldn't be a plot twist then now would it? Anyway, we also got a Demon Lord, but he's a nice enough fella. He'll burn and pillage your village, but he won't be a dick about it."

"Real PG-13 levels of violence around here," Merrith agreed.

"Oh, the lass next door will be your childhood friend. She's a few months older than you, but she's got a good head on her shoulders. And two good arms next to her shoulders. And a good torso under the shoulders. The whole shoulder area is quite solid I should say."

"Promising start! Now, how do I check my stats?" I try to do the flicking motion I saw the goddess do, but I'm not used to having hands with no connected bones in it yet, so the gesture is clumsy and inexpert and nothing comes from it. My father, whose name is too much of a hassle to even copy-paste, frowned.

"Er… sorry lad. We're poor peasants so we're on the free version of the power system."

"Scuse me?" I ask, although not to be excused.

"Can't afford the subscription. When yer old enough to write we can start you on a free account tho. You can see your stat screen once a week with ads."

"Oh, honey, don't forget he needs to have a Blumbo account," Merrith added.

"And to make a Blumbo account he needs an email address."

"He can use mine!" Father insisted.

"You can only have one Blumo account linked to your email address, sweetheart. And to get an email address he'll need to get signed up with PSC, which require a twenty gold fee and a dental impression."

"Ah. So none of that till' all the baby teeth are out." Father nodded.

"Plus he's coming into this world with a 180, 000 USD worth of medical debt," someone else stepped into the room. I looked up to see who it was, but then had to crane my neck lower and lower until I saw another newborn at my eye level, wearing a tie and holding a clipboard.

"... are you Sasha?" I ask wearily.

"That's literally my dead name," she clarified.

"You can call me Ilia now."

"Sasha!" I tried to run over to hug her, but I didn't have much practice walking on chubby newborn legs, so I splatted against the wall again. She ignored me.

"As it so happened, I was at the hospital when the truck blew up. And since I was going to be reincarnated anyway the company asked me to take charge of your debt."

"Aw beans. I don't suppose I could just-""-Nope, those jokes would be too sad." Ilia stopped me alive in my tracks.

"You're stuck in this life so deal with it."

"Yeah… you're right." I sigh.

"Can we at least age up significantly in the space between the chapters? I don't feel like being a newborn for that long."

"Aye, works for us. Me n' the Wife need to get started on makin' our first real child. Wouldn't mind a time skip one tick." Ilia checked her watch and nodded once, her head bobbing a little too much thanks to her lack of developed neck muscles.

"Alright, we can afford one time skip. Just don't get used to them. Not until you've paid off your debt." There would absolutely be more than one time skip.