Chương 11: Melt the butter in a saucepan

"Do you have the emotionally distant but secretly obsessed type?" I had to think for a second. I had the adorable little sister, the sheepish shy girl, the brash yet affectionate girl, the 'default', and the Tsundre.

"Nope. That slot's open."

"Then I'm that." Ilia finally settled on a trope, her affect turning cold in the next instant.

"Now go back to bed. You may be above the age of consent but you're still a growing boy who needs his rest."

"Right. Goodnight!" Thankfully, there weren't any other distractions or chapter breaks to disrupt my night. Even better, I woke up to two more girls wanting to join the party!

"I'm Protagonist-kun," the first one said, "And I've used my SSS+ Transmogrify skill, combined with my K-ranked Gender Dysphoria, to turn into a woman! I'll be taking the role of the would-be rival turned love interest!"

"I'm The Goblin (girl)," the second one jabbed a finger into their shockingly bushy chest, "I am a female goblin. I will be taking the role of the silly, mischievous girl."

"Well with all these new party members it should be easy to take down the Demon King now! Welcome aboard!" With three new party members in tow, we started towards our next destination: a hot spring town. We were told there was a terrible problem with some kind of water spirit that needed sorting out, and since it was on our way, I couldn't think of a reason not to help out! That said, we were only a few minutes into our walk before Protagonist-Kun slid up to me, eyes glimmering with intent.

"So obviously I can't stand how such a weak guy with such stupid skills became so successful when I have so many powerful skills and all that," she started.

"Trained my whole life came from a prestigious family all that stuff anyway do you want some water?"

"Some water?"

"Surely you don't have the ever-elusive [No Hydration Needed] skill," she smiled devilishly, handing me a waterskin sloshing with water, "boys who are above the age of consent are a famously thirsty bunch. Are you not thirsty…?"

"Oh. Yes, I suppose I am a little parched from all the screaming I did last night," I noticed, taking the water and giving it a sip.

"Thank you."

"Ha, that fool!" Protagonist-kun narrated her thoughts out loud, "Little does he realize that I spiked that water with a pinch of water! All that life-sustaining hydration is now flushing through his system! But what comes in must come out, as they say, so it's only a matter of time before…"

"Oh. Goodness. I kinda need to use the bathroom," I also narrate out loud since it seems to be the thing to do, "Too bad it's such a long way to our destination." The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

"Why not piss outside, Gabriel Lightbringer Lovefire?" The Goblin (girl) asked in her usual quirky manner, "there are ever so many trees and bushes you can use!"

"I could never. That'd be naughty. Only naughty people piss outside of the intended indoor reciprocals."

"I assure you there's no harm," Ilia reported stoically, "many animals use the outdoors to relieve themselves, it is perfectly natural."

"What's the harm?" Protagonist-kun narrowed her eyes devilishly.

"It's not as if doing one bad thing would stop you from being on Santa Claus's Nice list… would it?" At that exact moment, Protagonist-kun's lying skill leveled up with a loud and bombastic music, the level-up jingle echoed through the forest with nearly deafening fanfare. What a strange coincidence.

"Gosh, I don't know… I have to live up to so many people's expectations… if a legendary hero can't hold it for a few hours than what good is he?"

"Bro we all wanna see your wiener!" Elina shouted from the rear.

"Come on. Give in to the pressure, peer or otherwise," Protagonist-Kun goaded me, forcing me to drink a few more gallons of water to force the issue along. And with everyone else in the party invested, well… goodness, what choice did I have? I snuck behind a tree to quickly relieve mys-"-SANTA CLAUS NOW!"

"HO HO HO MERRY DIE!" Santa Claus exploded onto the scene, shot me in the face eigthteen times with an automatic shotgun, then grabbed the Vyrant Gate while I was distracted from being murdered. And that should have been the end of my story. I should have died that day. But something intervened. GABRIEL LIGHTBRINGER LOVEFIRE. YOUR JOURNEY IS NOT OVER YET. I SHALL RETURN YOU TO LIFE SO YOU CAN GET YOUR REVENGE. BUT BE WARNED: FROM HERE ON OUT, YOU WILL NO LONGER BE A HERO. YOU WILL NO LONGER BE A VILLAIN.

YOU WILL JUST BE… GABRIEL LIGHTBRINGER LOVEFIRE. THAT'S A GOOD LINE MAKE SURE YOU ADD IT TO THE STORY DESCRIPTION. With a shock, I wake back up: we're back on the road, and Protagonist-Kun was holding the water-spiked-water towards me. Unaware that I now knew about their plan to betray me. My eyes darkened, and my once happy-to-lucky smile faded. Never to return.

"I don't know," I say, my voice dropping a few octaves as if I hit puberty seven times in the past two seconds.

"Why don't you take a sip first…

'protagonist-kun'." Immediately, her face paled, and she started to sweat like the very water she was trying to trick me into drinking. With a moment's hesitation, she grimly nodded, and pushed the waterskin to her lips.

"V-very well. I'll show you there's nothing to fear. It's just… just some water." I raise my eyebrow, grimly amused to watch my one-time betrayer forced to recon with the poison she had brewed for me. But just before she can tip her head back, The Goblin (girl) leaps up and smacks the waterskin out of her hands, face flush with fear and panic.

"What are you doing?! There was water in there and you know it!"

"S-shut up! If Gabriel Lightbringer Lovefire is strong enough to drink water, so am I!" Protagonist-kun blushed, looking away, her lying skill leveling up again for some reason.

"But why would you poison yourself with water when you could instead have a nice, cold, Coca-Cola? It's the perfect drink for confederate heroin addicts and comes in dozens of amazing flavors that help you beat the heat and add that all-American spark to any meal that's on your plate. More than 200 countries around the world serve Coca-"