Chương 6: 1/4th cup of flour

"Ok but the prosecution goes first," the Judge clarified, gesturing for me to take the stand.

"Aw beans." Ilia sat back down, and I, in turn, flop forward.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I may just be a humble country fetus who was reincarnated a mere 48 hours ago, but even with my non-existent eyes, I can see The Goblin is as bad as me-maw's whisky puddin' after bein' in the sun too long," I start, hooking my thumbs under my suspenders for effect.

"To prove my point, the prosecution summons its first witness in face-up attack position: ol' Saint Nick himself." Santa Claus takes the stand, jolly as ever, flush face beaming like the nose of his head reindeer. He has 1700 attack points and 800 defense points.

"Ho ho ho! Merry June 19th everypony pony pony!"

"Now, Santa Claus," I start, rolling around on the banister since I didn't have working legs yet, "is it or is it not true that you are incapable of lying?"

"Ho ho ho! That's very true. Why, if I were to lie, I'd be on the naughty list! And I check to make sure I'm not there every single day! Fear of sin sneaking into my soul consumes me me me!"

"Santa must be pure," an elf chants in the shadows.

"Santa must be pure," A choir of small voices echo through the dark chambers of the courtroom.

"Yes, thank you," I continue, "so then it should be easy for you to confirm for the Jury — who was it that stabbed the Ancient Demon?"

"Ho ho ho! It was The Goblin Goblin Goblin!"

"Very good. I attack the defense's life points directly!" Santa chucks a snowball at Ilia, who goes flying back dramatically, her total life points dropping to 2300.

"Objection! You can't attack in the first turn of a duel!"

"Overruled! Santa has Haste so he doesn't suffer summoning sickness!" I shout back. Ilia has no choice but to bite her tongue. And once both she and the judge consent to my claim through the overwhelming power of silence, I continue.

"That will be all, Mr. Nick. The Prosecution now special summons its next witness: the victim himself!" The Ancient Demon takes the stand, which creaked under his enormous mass, and also caught fire.

"Mr. Demon — can you show the fine folks at the Jury where you were stabbed?" The Demon, in turn, pointed a gnarled claw at the still-bleeding stab wound inflicted by The Goblin. Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

"What a dreadful wound," I continue, "but of course, our jury has an obligation to be critical of these things: why, I imagine they might be thinking 'but how can we be sure it was The Goblin who did that', or 'what if he stabbed himself'. Which is why I will show you irrefutable proof this was the work of that nasty The Goblin. The Goblin! Do us all a favor and stab the Demon again."

"Okay," The Goblin reached out and stabbed the Demon again.

"Ow!" the demon said.

"Now, I invite the jury to examine this freshly-made knife wound: those of you with keen eyes and sharp minds would no doubt notice this wound is exactly the same as the first one. Same size, same elevation, same depth. Why, I dare say they're identical copies. Proper twins. Could any of you, in good conscious, think that this was caused by anyone else?" Silence. And I nodded in a very satisfied way.

"That's what I thought. The prosecution lays two cards face-down and ends its turn." I roll back to my seat and Ilia, still sweating from the immense blow I had struck against her. Yet, through the pain, the sweat, the leftover snow from Santa's attack, she didn't look defeated. In fact, there was still a small glimmer of hope… a glimmer that would surely not exist if she knew the kind of tricky traps I had waiting for her in my deck.

"... your honor. I move to end this charade of a trial."

"On what grounds?" The Judge asked, peering peeringly.

"On the grounds that the prosecution's lawyer is a scrub!" Ilia pointed in my direction dramatically.

"Objection!" I shout back, "I'm the protagonist of this story! My strength, charisma, and undeniable power means it's impossible for me to be a scrub! I could kick your butt even without working legs!"

"So you say… but words mean nothing. In this world, all that matters… are feats." The Judge's eyes light up, as if some primordial switch had been triggered in his mind.

"You claim you're the strongest, most overpowered character in this world, nay, in all of fiction. Chapter 1, paragraph 7! Yet what feats have you actually accomplished to back that up? You blew up a tavern, you killed a local goat, everyone here is in your harem… impressive for the layman, maybe, but are these supposed to be the works of the most powerful hero ever?! Tell me, your honor: you're a man of good judgement, what do you think his greatest feat actually is?"

"Surely generating a small sun through kickflips alone."

"Heh. You'd think, wouldn't you? But double-check the text of the chapter: all the kickflips are doing is attracting the light via how cool it is. He's not generating the sun, a sun created itself near him by sheer coincidence," she pointed out.

"But I did the math. His actual greatest feat is reaching his arm eleven billion light years out. Since he accomplished this feat so casually, we can assume he was using as little energy as humanly possible to extend his arm: let's say 1 calorie for every two feet. That would mean he expended 15, 520, 000, 000, 000, 000 calories every light year, for a grand total of spending 170, 720, 000, 000, 000, 000 calories.

Good for a diet maybe, but that's merely 714, 292, 480, 000, 000 kilojoules, or 170, 720, 000 metric tons of TNT. That would-""-That's not even continent-level!" The Judge fumed.

"This loser is mid-to-high 6-B at best! Base form Sonic the Hedgehog could wreck you!"

"W-what?!" I gasp, "T-that's not fair! I have other feats! I could destroy the universe with a wink!"

"Don't you get it?!" Ilia pressed, the music swelling up victoriously even though I was losing(??) "it doesn't matter what you could do, what matters is what you have done and, more importantly, scaling! And your scaling is butts because the only thing you've directly fought so far is a goat! And without scaling, you're just a guy with long arms and a dumb face."

"The defense is right!" The Judge slammed their gavel down, "Until you get some actual feats on paper, I have no choice but to assume you suck and I hate you. The court finds The Goblin not guilty!"