Chương 50: [That Time I Used My LitRPG Story as an Excuse to Overshare Therapy Techniques]

-MEANWHILE, AT THE DEMON LORD'S CASTLE- I have to confess I'm finding this entire process to be quite exhausting, Becky.

"Oh? We're not opening with a monologue this time?" Like I said, I'm tired. I'm trying to catch myself when I think something negative about myself and in the process I learned I do it a lot. Like, far more than I had ever realized. It's like at some point my brain became infested with all this self-hate and I got so used to it that I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten.

"I know what you mean. An analogy I like to use is that trying to clean up your thoughts is a lot like trying to clean up a house. You always have more stuff than you realize, which means there are more places for the dust and mold to hide than you first thought." Oh, I hear that. I remember moving castles a few centuries ago and I was shocked at how many boxes of stuff I had. I thought I lived a pretty aesthetic life but I had so much crap hidden all over the place.

"Mhm. But you still did it, right? Sorting through your thoughts is just like that. One box at a time." No, it's not just like it, Becky. My thoughts don't end. It's a bottomless well. Every time I'm done processing and 'correcting' one thought I'm on to my next. It just keeps going, which means I have to keep working.

"I see. I-" -Actually, lemmie finish this thought, it feels like — this whole THC thing-"-CBT." Yeah, whatever. So this CBT thing is supposed to re-wire my brain or help me re-learn habits, right? But it feels like I'm not learning to replace my negative thoughts, just notice and correct them. It doesn't make me feel better. It's just a lot of work.

"CBT isn't exactly 're-wiring' your brain. It's more like finding what works and what doesn't and using that information to craft an effective method of communicating — and co-living — with your thoughts. If this journal strategy doesn't work, we can try a new one. It's simple as." Well now you're making me feel like I'm failing therapy.

"Trust me, you're not. I'd say your ability to articulate your problems actually makes you one of my easiest clients." I killed all your other clients.

"Haha, I know, I meant historically. Anyway. You can't fail therapy. This is supposed to take time and effort and we anticipate not every strategy working because there's no mental health solution that's 'one size fits all'. Different people have different needs, respond to different things…" Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. I get it. So what are we going to try next?

"Well, as we've established, you're an aggressive go-getter. It might be more your style to proactively flood your mind with positivity rather than counter-attacking negative thoughts when they arrive. Now, how do you feel about… meditation?" I'm not a monk, wizard, sorcerer, elf, or any other race or class that needs to do that.

"Meditation isn't just for monks and mystics. It's for anybody who can take the time out of their day to sit with themselves in a well-defined and managed space. Like a lunch break for your brain." I mean, obviously I've heard about meditation. But I just can't find the time and when I do just sit quietly my mind wanders. It's not for me.

"A common misconception. Just sitting quietly in a room alone isn't meditation, it's a bad friday night. That bit I said earlier was the important part: 'well defined and managed space'. For lack of a better term, you turn it into a ritual. You designate specific times, you do it for a set amount of time, and you integrate it into your daily life." I'm still no good at it.

"Nobody starts good at anything. Meditation isn't something only the mentally disciplined or the hyperfocused can do. It's a skill that you practice, same as everything else." Okay. And the time?

"You don't have to spend all day under a waterfall. If you can find five quiet minutes in a day, you can start your meditation journey." Okay, fine, but what the hell does that have to do with 'proactively flooding my mind with positivity'? Are you saying I need to spend five minutes a day telling myself how great I am?

"In effect… yes! But you can't just fawn over yourself straight off the bat because you know you'd be lying. The insincerity of the effort would make it insincere. So to start — you said you found it exhausting keeping track of all the negative thoughts in your head, right?" Yeah.

"It might be easier to keep track of all the things you did that you're happy with or proud of. Then, when you start your daily meditation, you can spend it praising yourself for what a good job you did with those tasks. Once you get used to those waters, you can transition to self-love in other, more abstract ways." I'll try. But I'm worried that if I just spend time dwelling on my victories, I'll just find reasons not to be proud of them. Like I'll nitpick myself into being disappointed again.

"If you're aware of that concern, then you can catch yourself before you ever start." …I'm less sure about this one, Becky, but I'll try.

"Great. And if you have any questions or need any tips, feel free to let me know. I'm at your disposal anytime!" Yeah, yeah. By the way, if I don't start seeing some serious improvements in my mental health soon, I'll grind you to dust under my heel.

"... do you talk to yourself like that?" What?

"Is that how you try to motivate yourself? Maybe not violence specifically, but focusing on consequences and failure rather than rewards and success." …. I guess I never thought about it, but kind of, yes. I don't say 'if I succeed, X will happen', I say 'if I fail, X will happen'. Wow, this stuff really is everywhere, huh?

"The first step to changing your mind is paying attention to it." I see what you mean. You just bought yourself an extra week at least.

"Haha yay haha."