Chương 52: [That Time I Died Due to a Common Typo]

Erupted into CONFETTI because I finally did it I got my harem!:)"Blek. Love? I don't have time for that." I turned away from my party, shadows cast across my grim face.

"Not when I'm hated by the world itself. Don't waste your love on me-""-Oh okay."

"-er wait wait let me finish. Uh… don't waste your love on me unless… the day ends with a y?"

"Ah man just our luck today's Tuesdai." Also Elara 2 sighed.

"Heh. I can't believe I have to explain this to you, but I is just Y with its arms down. You'd know these things if you sank some points into int."

"Oh. So we can waste our love on you?"

"Yeah, actually, please do."

"Okayyyy~" So we all hugged one at a time and then left the cave because we got all the treasure we needed with each other and also the enormous pile of gold and magical items. It was a good day. I couldn't imagine anything going wrong from here!

"Heheheheh… so… you've finally done it, Jake. You've finally become a protagonist."

"What?!" I turned around to see The Dicster standing atop a hill with the sun setting behind them, arms on their hips. As a point of reference, please see the cover art of this story. Except instead of frowning, the Dicster is smiling.

"Tis I, your loyal and faithful mentor. The one who saved you from bleeding to death in the woods. The one who taught you the tricks of the trade. And the one who has worked tirelessly to see you brought to your full potential."

"Oh yeah hi The Dicster. Did you see I got a harem now? It's pretty cool. We're gonna go get into adult situations soon."

"Feheheheheh… you'll be doing no such thing, my dear Protagonist."

"NANI!?" I recoiled.

"I believe it's time for the grand reveal! All this time you believed me to be a humble mentor who went by The Dicster. But in fact, I was… MERRIAM-WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY ITSELF!" It threw off nothing because it wasn't disguised and was clearly labeled this whole time. I recoiled anyway mostly out of courtesy.

"什么?!" I shouted.

"For over 200 pages, ever since Volume 1, you and your sloppy narrator have been abusing the precious English language! Blatant misspellings! Slipshot grammar! And worse, none of it was intentional! Oh, the comments and reviews claimed it was all part of an ongoing bit and a reference to Invisible Dragon, but I knew the truth: you're just really shit at spelling!" You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

"ماذا؟!" I screamed.

"So I came up with a plan. A master plan. I would be your tutor! I would teach you how to be a protagonist and guide you into whacky situations! And most importantly… I would keep the narration on you while I secretly trained my real protege! A hero who could break you and this story over their knee! A hero who was off-screen this whole time and could thus get far more powerful than you ever could while on-screen! Come forth!" From behind Mirriam-Webster's, another figure emerged.

A young, handsome man with snow-white hair and perfectly-sculpted AI features on a canvas of porcelain-like skin. His shining blue-and-green eyes shone down at me, perhaps brighter even than the sun at his back.

"Gabrielle Lightbringer Lovefire! Crush this fool, ensure his next reincarnation is as a helpless NPC, and claim the protagonist role for yourself!"

"I don't want to be here, but fine. I'm just trying to find my way back home!" Gabrielle Lightbringer Lovefire took to the air and landed in front of me, smiling anxiously. A different kind of protagonist than the kind we usually parodied. But I wasn't daunted. I was undauntable. My stats were the highest there were and my hax were truly created by a hack. This nobody would be nothing to me.

"Gabrilelle, huh? Feh. This is a waste of my time," I shruged.

"Tell you what: you give up now, I'll only beat you half to death. How's that sound?"

"I-I want to give up, but I can't. I have to make it back home where I'm a powerless virgin who's living with his parents in post-capital economic nightmare! This high-fantasy world of adventure and whimsy is a nightmare I need to escape! So I can't run away! I have to take you on with everything I have!"

"Fine. So we fight. But prepare yourself kid: my numbers are pretty high. So high they can't get down. Which means I can't pull my punches, which means my punches will pull you apart."

"I'm not afraid! I believe in myself!" I pulled up my stat screen, pulled up my paint app, then drew my sword, which appeared in my hand immediately afterwards. Gabrielle merely tightened his fists into balls, whichbegian to radiate an immense magical power.

"Oh? An archmage? Feh. I should have guessed the Dicter's real protege would be someone who knew how to spell." I've been building up to this joke for basically all of Volume 2 and it's probably my favorite punchline in this entire saga. Anyway, I swung my blade at him, but he blocked it with his [Everything Proof Shield].

"Feh. A predictable play. And worthless against my [Sword that Cuts Through the Everything Proof Shield] skill."

"Oh yeah!? Well I have a [Shield That Blocks the Sword That Cuts Through the Everything Proof Shield!]""It's cute you think that's any good! I'll just use my [Lets My Sword that Cut Through The Everything Proof Shield Cut Through the Shield That Blocks the Sword that Cuts Through the Everything Proof Shield] skill!"

"You fell right for my trap! I'll deploy my [Shield that Nullifies the Skill That Lets the Sword that Cuts Through the Everything Proof Shield Cut Through the Shield That Blocks the Sword that Cuts Through the Everything Proof Shield!]"What?! Impossible!"

"And now that your blade is stopped, my counter-attack, a magical curse that was designed specifically to defeat you once and for all: [Spell that instantly kills you if you try to spell forty with a U]""Wait you don't spell fourty-"'