Chương 38: [That Time I Tried to Use the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to Prove I'm Not a Virgin]

(WARNING! This chapter is maybe TOO SEXY for some readers! If you are allergic to SEXY than consult your doctor before reading any further) So this fool thinks he has me bested in the arena of The Sex, huh? I smirked. He might have come to the ball with his best dancing shoes, but he still doesn't know who he's tangoing with. Brace yourself, unnamed teacher: I'll show you I'm not someone you should screw with. Er. I mean mess with.

"Heh. This is a transparent ploy if I've ever seen one." I lean forward in my chair, eyes sparkling with danger and also the fire I never put out from two chapters ago.

"I can see right through this little charade."

"The cantaloupe is merely a red herring. A diversion from your true objective. Perhaps a lesser mind might have fallen for it, but you're not dealing with a lesser mind today, sir. Behind: proof of my… sexual aptitude." I pull up my stat screen and point to my The Sex stat, which, like every single one of my other stats, simply read 'Immeasurable'.

"As you can see, I have had so much or absolutely no sex that it's beyond the system's ability to calculate. I don't need to prove anything to you or that cantaloupe. This must be more than enough to prove I'm worth attending this waste-of-time school." Nani?! the narrator said my instructor was thinking. This can't be! No, calm down, calm down! You're not cornered yet. I'll admit this upstart student might have given me a shock, but there's a clear flaw in their logic they didn't account for.

A flaw that will spell their doom — and will ensure no one stands in my way of world inconvenience!

"I think you'll find that 'evidence' is somewhat… wanting." The professor smirked.

"You said it yourself, right? Immeasurable could mean so much, or it could mean so little. If it's the former you certainly belong in this school, but if it's the latter… then you'd be guilty of trying to infiltrate a cool kids club despite having no honies. And let me tell you — that punishment would sting. Like a bee." How did he know!? I bit my thumb, but, like, subtly so he didn't notice he'd stumped me. Perhaps I underestimated my opponent… but no longer. Very well, Mr. Instructor. I'll play your game.

But don't go crying to me when you find I'm a real card shark!

"Very good! You passed my test." I smirked.

"But I think you'll find my next test even more demanding. I've prepared a cantaloupe for you on this table. If you're really a sex-haver you should know exactly what to do with it. Pass, and you just might have a chance to attend St. Alphons. Fail… and I'll personally see to it that you never practice magic ever again!" What sort of nonsense is this?! A bead of sweat dripped down the Instructor's face. How many more tests will I have to complete before I'm finished with this!

But it's okay — I've done plenty of sex, I know exactly what to do. If I just trust my experience — and the Heart of the Sex — I know I can pull through. This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

"Very well." The instructor nodded.

"But don't come crying to me when you see just how much sex I'm having." The instructor reached out for the cantaloupe, but paused just before picking it up off the table.

"... did you really think I'd fall for that little ploy?" He continued.

"You can't trick me into showing you what to do with this cantaloupe because I just remembered you're the student and I'm the teacher!"

"Oh really?" I smirk, dropping an Uno reverse card onto the table.

"How about… now?!"

"You must be new if you think I haven't thought of that!" He slapped a different-colored Uno reverse card on the table.

"I've been teaching for some unknown amount of time before you were born! You're not going to slip past me that easy." Darnnit! If only I had brought some kind of protection, I might have been able to avoid this mess. But I'm in too deep now. If I don't come to some kind of satisfactory climax to this predicament soon, then things will just get a lot harder for me from here on out!

"I think you'll find I'm anything but easy," I retorted.

"In fact, I think it's time we end this charade of a test. I invoke title VII, section 2000e-2 of the Civil Rights Act of 1964! This cantaloupe is a clear effort on your part to label me as a fruit, which is a derogatory term and thus qualifies as harassment!"

"No court would agree with that reading!" The instructor slammed his palms on the table and bore his twisted teeth.

"You are supposed to do something with the fruit, it was at no point did myself or any of my colleagues use it as a tool for identification or implied it was a label! And that's something you'd know perfectly well if you had The Sex! Now, this is your last chance, hero. Prove to me you have experience in the field of sweet love or I'll banish you to the Realm of Ten Thousand Paper Cuts Under Your Fingernails!"

"Fine! Just… close your eyes first. I have performance anxiety." The teacher huffed and closed his eyes. I did absolutely nothing for a few minutes before speaking up again.

"Okay I'm done."

"See, that wasn't so hard." The teacher opened his eyes and gave me a thumbs up.

"Good job you passed."

"Great! Thanks!" So I threw him through the window to the Endless Falling dimension and emerged from my testing quarters. Too easy. Which is more than I could say for my other classmates — they had all died gruesomely while trying to grapple with the cantaloupe. I guess you could say they didn't rind hard enough, eh? Eh? Eeeehhh?!??!?!?

"It seems you're the only one who passed the test." The Dean looked to me with a bewildered, yet intrigued little smile.

"Everyone else proved… unequal to the task. So congratulations… you're officially a student at St. Alphons 18+ Magical Academy for the Incredibly Gifted and Sexually Experienced. Also, Pat can join because he seems like a cool guy."

"Yay." Pat cheered despite choking on his own blood.