Chương 5: 2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese (but make sure it's strong or it'll taste like mush)

"Wait guys I figured it out." The Goblin put a billion trillion EXP into his arm length skill and then stabbed the demon.

"OW!" The demon shouted as he was stabbed.

"Great plan!" Ilia cheered, "You did violence!"

"Ho ho ho! You'll show him what for for for!"

"FREEZE!" The cops burst onto the scene, flashing badges and shooting dogs.

"We heard a knife violence just now!"

"Yes officers it was them," the demon pointed to the heroes with a gnarled claw, "they broke into my house and stabbed me."

"Aw beans, I forgot crime was illegal," The Goblin frowned as the cops cuffed him.

"Man you're so easy to handcuff with these long arms," the cops said as they put the Goblin in the back of their police van.

"Thank you I'm really proud of them." Once everyone was secure in the vehicle, the cops drove the would-be hero to the local police station, where they put him in a holding cell while they went over the necessary paperwork to process his arrest. It was a long and detailed process I don't know anything about because I was only arrested once in 2023 in eastern Europe for overstaying my visa and I feel like they probably treat knife criminals differently than nonviolent expats.

"It's looking bad," Ilia frowned as she took a seat outside the holding cell, resting bags full of paperwork on her knees.

"The demon is doing a media tour, and Santa Claus can't lie so he's gonna be a witness. You're gonna be charged for breaking and entering, as well as attempted murder. As your lawyer, I'm going to suggest you just take any plea bargain they might offer you."

"What are you talking about? He's an evil demon, not a person! He shouldn't have rights!" The Goblin frowned as he leaned against the bars of the cell.

"Whoa! Whoa! This would be a really easy place to make a race joke! Man, I wish I could think of one," Ilia sighed.

"Anyway. Be that as it may, I don't think you're going to find a jury who buys that excuse. Unless there's something you're not telling me… you're cooked."

"We needed to get the first verse of the Hymn of All Songs for world-saving purposes. The jury lives in the world — maybe we can use that?" Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Maybe. But if we claim the Demon has the verse he'll just deny it. And we can't force him to prove it. So unless you have hard evidence, that's not gonna fly, Jack."

"What about the ancient legends?"

"That was for the Gliqalos Engine. This is basic lore stuff pay attention."

"Ah... hey are there any windows in here?"

"Huh? No I think we're good."

"In that case, ah dan-" Ilia frowned as The Goblin spontaneously combusted — this was exactly what she didn't want to hear. Not because she believed he was guilty, but because she knew he was innocent. She had been a lawyer long enough to see the system chew up and spit out the innocent every day… and bright-eyed kids like The Goblin were its favorite snack. If he had given up, she could have just written this off as another small tragedy in a long string of hopelessness that marked the justice system.

But when you choose to fight, you choose bruises. Broken bones. Battered bodies. She was going to have to watch the light get beaten out of his eyes in court, and that was the one thing all her experience never numbed her to. But she knew his type well enough to know there was no point in trying to talk him out of it. He thought he was going to be the lynchpin that would change the system. But the only pin being removed was the grenade pinned to his chest. Only this explosion wouldn't be merciful enough to be fast.

"Alright then. Get some rest. You're gonna need it for what happens next." The Goblin nodded and applied his CEO grindset to the task of getting rest. By the time of the trial he had become CEO, owned all the stocks, and had a total monopoly on the concept of sleep. Nobody could even blink without paying him royalties. God owed him back pay for the seventh day. But while he was sigma-chadding it up in the alphaverse, it did little to prepare him for standing at the docket.

"Court is now in session for the criminal persecution of this unnamed Goblin creature," The Judge solemnly started, hoping nobody would notice his only experience in the world of judging was in powerscaling anime characters.

"The defense is ready, your honor," Ilia bowed because what else would she do twerk or something?

"The prosecution… is ready," I say, and the whole audience gaps. That's right, I'm back. Did you believe me when I said I was dead for real last chapter? I'm an unreliable narrator baby this is the kind of story where you think I'm going left but I juke right and punch you in the gut. You can't contain me. You can't predict me.

"Oh it was very predictable," Ilia smirked.

"In fact, this is just another rip-off of that old trope classic, [That Time I was Stabbed Sixty Times by a Goblin and got Reincarnated as the Prosecutor Trying Him for the Murder of the Ancient Demon I Was Supposed to Kill Before He Supplanted My Place in My Old Party]."

"Nani?!" I say.

"Did you really think I wouldn't see this coming?" She continued.

"Not only did I anticipate this would happen… I was counting on it." With a flash of her fingers, she taps a button on her dual disk and activates her trap card. Will it be enough to save her client, or are they both doomed to fail in the face of my [The Goddess of Death Gave me a Law License instead of a Cheat Skill?!]. FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DEATH BATTLE.