Chương 31: [That Time I Broke a Systems-Based LitRPG World by Pirating its Software While Bleeding to Death]

-walked over to the nearest post office and bought a small envelope and some stamps and put the forty gold pieces, their old dental imprint, and their proof of insurance in the envelope but they were told they needed a shipping-appropriate envelope to send coins and the like so they bought a different envelope and then they were told they needed different stamps for sending rare metals and other such valuables so they got a new stamp as well and then sent the letter to the Blumbo headquarters and a few days later they got an email in their account saying that they needed the proof of insurance to be less than three months old.

So they emailed their insurance company and got a more up-to-date proof of insurance and put it in an envelope and sent it to the Blumbo headquarters and a few days later they got an email back saying they got the proof of insurance but since there were no coins and no dental impression they couldn't make an account so they emailed back saying they already sent those things and a few days later the Blumbo people agreed but then pointed out that the dental imprints were exactly the same as the ones they sent when they opened their first account and they also need to be less than six months old so they had to book an appointment with their dentist but their dentist wasn't free for another two months and twenty-eight days which meant the proof of insurance would go bad by the time they got the dental- Oh hey the Kobold is back with lunch.

"I apologize that I took so long My hunts, unworthy of the page For I am not fast, nor smart, nor strong So I was waiting till they died of old age."

"Yummers," I say as I take a bite of the withered caracas.

"Oh, and I can taste the rabies! It's my favorite strand too how did you know?!"

"A coincidence, my good man. I only wanted to eat old ham. Now tell me how your fortunes wane Wax or grow, whist I was away."

"Well, Dicster tried to show me their stat screen but they forgot their password so they clicked 'I forgot my password' and then had to enter their email address and then they had to put their email password in a few times but then they got in and they found the email from Blumbo in the Promotions folder but by then it was too late to use the eighteen code password so they had to do it again but they weren't sure if the 0 was a zero or an o or if the I was an I or a 1 so they got it wrong a second time and-""-enough!"

The Dicster howled.

"Clearly doing this 'by-the-book' (remember this phrasing it'll be so funny later) is not going to work. I was going to teach you this later, dear protagonist, but it seems my hand has been forced. I shall teach you the ultimate secret technique — a way by see your stat screen without a Blumbo account!" Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

"I-is such a power possible?!" I gasp as I leap to my foot.

"Indeed. Although it is a forbidden art. Tell me: do you know why your medical debt has followed you even to this remote corner of the multiverse?"

"Yes."

"It's because the underlying, foundational truth of all reality is capitalism, my dear boy! The gears of this universe and every other in the LitRPG space is dictated solely by financial systems created to maximize shareholder profits and generate untenable amounts of wealth! You work seven part time jobs in hell and you need a credit score of 800 to get into heaven and even then you still have to pay rent! Money is everything! Money is all!"

"Yeah I said I knew all that."

"Oh okay good. So anyway this technique is forbidden because we're just going to pirate the stat screen software." Both myself and the Kobold nearly die on the spot from the shock. So we stepped away from the live electric wires that were on the ground before we could get shocked again.

"Hooray crime is fun!"

"Yes it is, my dear boy, yes it is. I'll send you the files directly because if you just pick the first one you find it'll probably be malware or something." So we pirated the software. It takes four minutes and is free and everyone agreed it's way better than buying things legally*. But much to my deep, passionate disappointment, even when the software was installed and the wizard finished setting up I still couldn't get the stat screen up.

"Why isn't this working?!" I asked the wizard, who shrugged.

"Not my job pal I just install the software."

"It's because your stat screen skill is still too low, as I explained earlier," The Dicster reminded me.

"Fortunatley, leveling it up is a simple matter: simply open a stat screen and you'll get EXP for opening a stat screen. Do it enough and you can open your stat screen."

"I never went to kindergarten so I don't know what a circle is so I don't understand what circular logic is yet I still feel like there's something wrong with that process."

"Fool! Listen to the article! You don't need to open your stat screen. Any stat screen will do. Flick my wrist!"

"Uh." I took The Dicster's wrist and flick it. As you might expect, the stat screen came up soon afterwards. I flick it again and it goes away.

"Good. Keep doing that for a few hours and soon enough you'll be able to see your own stat screen. It's super normal. This is how everyone does it." -THREE HOURS OF JERKING A WRIST LATER- A loud jingle and a brief colorful flash signaled that I had finally done it. After years of dedicated training and single-minded devotion to the task of becoming the anti-hero who takes control of this miserable world, I had finally accomplished the first of many steps needed to see that dream come to life.

And I did it with one foot. Because boy this leg was not growing back any time soon. So with a optimistic flick of the wrist, a small, barley luminated screen appeared in front of me, promising to reveal every gift, every power, and every skill at my disposal. Yep. It was going to be really cool and probably super funny to look at. Yep! So naturally I'd be looking at it right away. Riiiiiight now.