Chương 42: [That Time I Didn't Go to School to Make Friends and as a Direct Result, Made No Friends at School]

"Well I've got bad news and I've got good news," the teacher addressed my class while adjusting their glasses.

"The bad news is that some psychopath killed 51 of your fellow students with their bare hands. The good news is that's really throwing off the grading curve so you all get A's." A bunch of people reacted, but I wasn't paying attention. I was busy in my corner-edge seat of the class, staring out the window while resting my chin against my hands. In a serious and reflective way. Now that I had maxed out my measuring skills to SSS+, there was nothing I couldn't measure.

I did it so I could read my stat screen, but now it meant I knew exactly how much time this class and these weaklings were wasting.

Four hours, fifty-seven minutes, thirty seconds, fourteen decaseconds, eighty centaseconds, seven milliseconds, four microseconds, sixteen thousand eight hundred and fourty-four nanoseconds, four million eight hundred seventy-six thousand thirty-two hundred and nine nanoseconds, six hundred and forty-four billion nine hundred and one million three hundred and eighty one thousand seven hundred and twenty seven picoseconds, two femtoseconds, and ninety-one quadrillion six-hundred and fifty five trillion three hundred and eighty seven billion two hundred and twenty nine million seven hundred thousand and eighty one attoseconds.

Heh. Multiply that a few times and you'd have how many people were going to be in my harem. Ironic, but still a waste of my time.

"That being the case, everyone here is going to graduate in three minutes," the teacher continued.

"We try to not make a fuss over these things so if the class rep could just give a speech we can slap you with a diploma and kick you out." Pat, who couldn't shake being student council president and had to settle for a violent coup that overthrew the class president four minutes before the chapter began, stepped up to the podium.

"Friends and classmates, fellow students and sex-havers, We've been on an incredible journey together Full of laughter, tears, the unmitigated slaughter of our fellow students And watching our teachers get thrown out of windows. For you, it was an unforgettable year of highs and lows. For me, it was literally just five hours. But what an amazing five hours it was. Wow. Just wow. I just know that as you all go out, you'll accomplish great things. Perhaps you'll buy a hat or put on a hat.

Some of you might design a hat or lose a hat. I can imagine Jacob over there picking up a hat and then putting it back down. Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. That's so like him, right?" Everyone except me laughed, because that would be so like Jacob. He would pick up then put down a hat. The little rascal.

"I just know all the magic and sex we learned here will serve us well. Now get out there and show the world what we can do!"

"Nice speech." I clapped slowly, which mixed with everyone's fast clapping to smother the room in a nice, ambient medium clap.

"It was real good, Pat. Real good. Except… you got one thing wrong. I'll remind you, I'm not here to make friends."

"I didn't suggest otherwise. And in fact you did a real good job of that."

"Feh. Of course I did. I'm the best at everything I do. Including being antisocial."

"Okay great but the speech's not really about you so. Bye everyone enjoy the real world!" Everyone started standing up to collect their diploma and give Pat the traditional farewell present of sticking their fingers in his bullet-holes. Everyone but me. Graduation? A total waste of my time. I wasn't here to make friends or graduate. I was here to start my harem.

And despite being here for five full hours, my overpowered measuring skill indicated I did not have a single girl, man, or nonbinary clam in my romantic roster.

"Feh. That's fine. I just need to grind my harem skills." I said out-loud to a quickly emptying classroom.

"Should be easy. I just need to figure out how to level up my harem skill." I pulled up my stat screen and quickly identified the skill in question: it seemed the primary way to level it up was to have a harem. Hmm. Hmmmm.

"Well, that's not helpful at all. And judging by all the media I've consumed that form the basis of both my personality and worldview, I have the aloof antihero attitude and overwhelming statistical power already. So really I should have gotten at least two hot women at my heels already."

"If I could add my two gold coins, if you are trying to whet your loins and find a girl you could adjoin then perhaps it's better to check yourself and not look at your stats."

"What are you saying?"

"Look, just do something with your life," Pat sighed as he went for the door.

"Nobody gets their harem in their grinding phase of their journey. The harem comes after. So work on yourself and the harem will come… well, let's be real, nobody's going to be coming. But you'll get attention at least."

"Wait, Pat. Why did you stop singing? I don't understand. I'm confused."

"Because while you spent the past 5 hours goofing off and killing dozens of kids, I was learning. About life. About love. About the merits and detriments of getting shot sixteen times. And from that learning, I've concluded that life is too short to just be a one-note gimmick. I'm going to give singing a rest for a while. And I'm going to travel on my own again."

"B-but… you can't leave me alone with the Dicster! They're obviously going to betray me soon and if they can't hold you hostage-""-I'm sorry." Pat turned away.

"You'll need to find some other reason not to obliterate them on the spot with your overpowered stats."

"Pat…" I watched as my friend — my only friend, my first real friend, the first guy I ever mauled — left the classroom with all the other graduates, turning off the light with a swish of the tail. Leaving me alone in the dark with a flickering stat screen. A stat screen that was clearly bugging out, because it said my friend count dropped from 1 to 0. Stupid screen, didn't it know the heroes stats never go down?