Chương 36: [That Time I Learned My Mentor Was Unimpressed With My Rudimentary Knowledge of Feminist Critique]

"What?! You want me to go to high school?!"

"Indeed I do" The Dicster urged, stroking their unigender beard sagely.

"For you see, there are some things you simply can't learn in the real world. There are some things you can only read in a book… and since I never taught you how to read, you have to go to a public school to learn."

"But master, I already know how to read. It came pre-installed in my adult body when I got Isekai'd over here."

"Oh right. Well then I'm enrolling you in magical high school, where you can learn magic and develop as a person or whatever."

"Feh. You can't make me do crap, old person," I spit to the side.

"School would be a waste of time for me. I only need to know three things: that I'm strong, how I can get stronger, and who I'm going to crush with that strength."

"Perhaps… perhaps… but have you considered no amount of power will help you accomplish your penultimate goal in being isekai'd, my young fool? Stats going up is all good and fun, but if you really want to be an emotional surrogate for the people who read this kind of crap, then there's one thing you need before anything else…"

"... is to blow up a school?"

"No, you idiot. A harem. A harem. And the laws of the genre dictate they have to be either hundreds of years old yet inexplicably utterly inexperienced with romance, or approximately high-school aged and implicitly untouched."

"Wow. Wow. Do you feel as if this is maybe reflective of the extremely toxic and ultimately misogynistic view that women inherently lose value the more experienced they are and thus must be claimed at the earliest possible moment to ensure they retain maximum value like some kind of perverse sexual vulture?

And do you think that some logic is also partially what leads so many stories of this type to lean into — or even just suggest — that it's okay to stake a claim even before their sexual awakening to further increase their value and thus your value as a man for being able to (hopefully) metaphorically plant your seed in untouched soil even if it's under the thin veil of a paternal or even sibling-like relationship?"

"Oho la de da. Looks like someone read Jean Kilbourne's Wikipedia page," The Dikster snorted.

"I'll kindly remind you that this is a satire so obviously we're going to undermine expectations. Which is why the school you'll be going to is 'St. Alfphon's 18+ Magical Academy for the Incredibly Gifted and Sexually Experienced'."

"Golly that doesn't sound PG-13 at all."

"Oh, trust me. It will be… it will be …"

"Also, doesn't the name suggest that I have to be-""Yes, well I lied on the application. Also, Pat will be joining as your familiar/wingman." Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author's preferred platform and support their work!

"My demeanor might be soft and my appearance might cause fright, but as it just so happens I'm quite skilled at laying pipe."

"Well, if the kickflips didn't date us that slang definitely did. On the subject of dates, though, you've convinced me, old person. I'll go to this magic school. And I'll graduate top of my class and become the best mage you've ever seen. Just you watch."

"That's not what-""-Just you watch." St. Alphons 18+ Magical Academy for the Incredibly Gifted and Sexually Experienced, eh? I stood in front of the gates, staring up at those golden letters as people walked past. Of course, they were all wearing the standard-issue school uniform: a pair of assless chaps and a green-and-blue sweater with an enormous boob window. But since I was the main character, I decided I needed to wear something that made me stick out of the crowd. So I set my wardrobe on fire.

It was still burning as one of my future classmates bumped into me from behind.

"Oof, I'm sorry, excuse me!" She gagged as the toast she had been carrying in her mouth slammed into the back of her throat.

"I didn't see you there."

"Hmph. Pay attention to where you're going." I snarled, turning around to face her, my clothes melting painfully onto my body.

"I don't care about anyone, but I especially don't like careless girls. Humph. Feh. Grr."

"Wow… you're so hot…" she gasped with wide eyes.

"You should probably stop, drop, and roll or something."

"Bah.

'Stop'?

'Drop'? Clearly you don't know me. Because I'll never stop and I'll never drop. I piss on the move. I sleep standing up. When I roll in Gatcha games it crashes on the spot. I'm a perpetual motion machine of violence, babe. And neither you nor physics can explain me." She had already left by now. Which was fine. I didn't give that speech for her. I didn't give it for anyone. I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to be social and endear myself to other people so they want to be around me in a romantic and non-romantic setting. And 'friends' would just get in my way. So adjusting my sweater and slapping some of the melted flesh back onto my bones, I finally stepped inside the school to begin my journey to become the master of SA18+MAIGSE.

"Class, this is… uh, we never got his name," my teacher gestured to me as I stood in front of my awe-stricken class. Full of wide-eyed losers who hadn't seen a real man or a burning skeleton before.

"But he's transferring in now because the plot demands it. Naturally, this means he's got to do nine months and fifteen days worth of homework and tests over the next five hours as we're about to graduate, but I was assured that it's fine and I didn't interrogate that. Is there anything you'd like to say to your new classmates, new student?"

"Yeah. Just one thing," I said as I pushed the teacher out the window to his death.

"I'm here for one reason and one reason only. To win. So stay out of my way and maybe, just maybe, I won't crush you and your weak friends before I graduate from this waste of time school. Also Pat is here. Everyone say hi to Pat."

"Greetings students, I bid good day And wish good fortune on your way And though I may sing, I still must say I prepared some cookies upon this tray Would you not wish to give it a taste? Lest all my effort go to waste."

"We love you Pat!" One person cheered.

"Yeah, let's make him student council president!" Another cheered.

"Oh, brother," I shook my head with a little laugh.

"What am I going to do about you, Pat? Now go ahead and take a seat. Class is about to start." I took the teacher's notes and started today's lecture. It seemed my time at SA18+MAIGSE was going to be crazier than even I could have ever guessed!