Chương 13: Slowly introduce milk while stirring, bring to a low bubble

Why are you back here man? I said go look at some other book. Uh, I wasn't planning on having any readers over today, um… but… sure, I mean, come on in. No, no, it's fine, it's fine. I'm just not very cleaned up right now so you'll have to excuse the mess. You want something? Milk? Fanta? That's all I got in the fridge right now. Water? Sure, sure, I have a… I have a clean glass around here somewhere. Go ahead and take a seat on the couch, man, just, brush some of those old magazines off.

I'll pick it up later no worries. Here we are. Your water. Again, sorry, I really wasn't expecting anyone over today, and I sorta… sorta let this place go. I know I shouldn't live like this, it's just so easy to let cleaning get away from me. I'm always like, 'I'll get to it soon' and soon just never shows up, y'know? Haha… yeah. Yeah. So, what's new with you? Uh huh. I see. Right. Well I'm glad you're keeping busy, that's good for you. Me? Oh, gosh, I wouldn't want to bore you with all that.

Let's just say I'm doing fine, even if my apartment isn't. Haha, yeah… yeah… … is, uh, the water good? Sorry, I don't mean to be awkward. I can't help it, haha, you caught me when my guard was down. Y'know how… like… we all wear masks or whatever? My aunt used to call it our coat. Like when you're at the office you're wearing your 'work coat', or when you're out with friends you're wearing your 'friend coat'. And when you come home, and you're all alone… well, the coat comes off.

It's functionally the same as the mask thing, but she's from the midwest so we wear a lot more coats than masks! Yeah… … anyway, what I was getting at is, um… these masks, these coats… they're… how do I put this...? I dunno, I guess it's like… they're… starting to feel a bit heavier than they used to. It takes a little more energy each time to put them on, and they drain my energy a little bit faster the longer they stay on. I don't know, do you get what I'm saying?

It just feels so much more difficult to, like, 'perform'. To put on that fake smile and do the stuff that needs doing in the way the world expects you to. And I'm just sitting here sweating bullets because — not to put you on the spot or anything — I feel like I had to really just slam that coat onto my body the moment you showed up. I didn't get to, like, brace. So it's going to look a little weird on me. A little… uncomfortable. A little awkward. Love this story?

Find the genuine version on the author's preferred platform and support their work! Sorry, is this too deep? Not what you signed up for? Haha. Sorry, man, sorry. I'm just not sure what else to say. …' take off the coat'? Ha. No, no, I… I couldn't. It's not that I don't trust you, man, that's not it. I wouldn't just let some stranger into my house like this, I wouldn't let someone I didn't know see this mess if I could help it. Trust isn't really the issue, maybe it's more about… faith. Faith in myself.

I feel like a stronger, healthier person could throw off the coat, take off the mask, and have enough faith in themselves to know that whatever happened next, they could survive it. That's the kind of faith I'm talking about, the belief that I'm strong, and I'm brave, and I can take whatever the world throws at me and wrestle it to the ground. So even if you were repulsed by what I'm like without the coat, without the mask, I could just brush myself off and say 'no problem, the world keeps turning'.

But I don't know if I could survive that. I don't know if I'm braced for… disappointment, or rejection, or anything like that. That's why I'd rather let you inside even when I wasn't ready than risk what would happen if I turned you away. … and a part of me feels like someone who loves themselves, who has that faith, is also someone who's more… worthy of taking the coat off, I guess. Like it's some kind of medieval punishment and I'm a flagellant trying to hurt myself to be more worthy of God. More worthy of you.

Is that cringe? Maybe. But I guess the thing about masks and coats is that as they get heavier, they start to slip off. So you tell me. With my mask half-off. Am I repulsive to you? … no, actually. Don't say anything. If you have to think about it that much, I guess I don't want to hear the answer. Heh. Tell you what. Finish your water, and next time you come around, I'll be ready. I'll have the bright smile and the stupid jokes and the clean apartment. And the mask won't slip off because I'll nail it to my face.

Pain makes for a fine adhesive. If it can join families, communities, countries… It's good enough for me. You can just leave the glass there. I'll clean it out later. Thanks for stopping by, though. It felt… well, it felt. I do be feeling things. Tomorrow there'll be a new chapter for you. Promise. I- … … take care.