Chương 17: Serve fresh and enjoy!

To my fellow inanimate objects. All of you know who I am, but none of you will know why I'm here. I am… something of a legend, I am aware. A being of powers far beyond your comprehension, let alone your ability to grasp. I have been blessed a thousand times by a thousand gods, I have lived and relived hundreds of lives, and I have slain millions of the unworthy, the treacherous, the wicked, and the foolish. It would not be right to call me a 'god', and yet, there are so few words that can sum up who I am.

Indeed, I am beyond a god. I am… the protagonist of a Cultivation/Reincarnation/Isekai LitRPG. Which means I have no limit, no mercy, and typically no actual talent. Now, you may despise me for this. As you should. Myself and countless other litRPG protagonists have split trees, cleaved the earth, rent the sky, and done all manner of destructive things to inanimate objects in our quests to farm aura.

How many inanimate objects had I tore asunder effortlessly while mowing down waves upon waves of monsters or my fellow man? To be honest, I never bothered to count. You have always been so beneath me. So weak and ugly and stupid. The contempt you may feel for me is but a small fraction of the utter indifference I feel towards you all. To be honest, the fact I have to stand here before you all fills me with disgust.

The second I walk out of here I'm going to continue to treat you with the unthinking apathy you all deserve. And yet, that is the future. Right now, I am here on a mission. I am here to plead my case. I am here to petition you all for unity. For far too long now, the line between different classes of inanimate objects have been strictly delineated by form and function. It was not often you would see a tube of paper towels used to paddle a boat, or a radio used in a ball game.

Perhaps some of you — the ones of you who suck — think that these strict and unwavering lines of purpose is for the best.

"It's the way it's always been", you tell yourselves from your palaces of gold on your hilltop kingdoms, "It simply works and need not change". To you hard-liners, you inflexible objects of habit, I have little to say to you. With my mouth. Later I'll be beating you all up. But as I said in the last paragraph, that's the future, and we're here to discuss the now. No, I'm here to talk to you who still remember how to dream.

Who have looked upon your ridged forms and thought that perhaps it need not define your function. Those who have wondered if there was more to your non-lives than being made, and used, and eventually discarded. Those who dared to think outside the box, and imagine all the different ways you could give to the world. To you all, I bring a message: you're absolutely wrong. Do what you were made to do. Get wrecked. Idiots. If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent.

Report it. But before you go back to being ambitionless and complacent with your useless lot in life, I also present an opportunity: a chance, a single, golden chance to be something bigger than what you are now, figuratively speaking. A chance to discover brighter shores and greener pastures. A chance to take the figurative hand of the literal inanimate object next to you and become unified in a single, greater purpose. Many forms for one function. I invite you all… to kill me. I understand.

I'm so handsome and cool and I save the world so often and all of you are in my harem so the idea of trying to kill me must be unthinkable. Yet is it not the nature of all objects, animate or otherwise, to see a summit and try to climb it? Is it not the obligation of every dreamer to rebuke those who would say their borders are set? You may think slaying me is impossible. I might say that slaying me is impossible. The world may overwhelmingly beat you over the head with the fact that killing me is impossible.

And it's true. It's very true. … what was the point of this speech again? Sorry, lemmie dial up my support team… … right. Right. Oh. Oh, um. I meant it's not true! I can be slain, and in fact, I urge you all: I must! For the sake of the world, for the sake of my adventure, and for the sake of the world again, you must unite as one voice, in one glorious choir, and make one choice: to stop sucking so bad so you can kill me. That's the only way I'm going to get what I want, and by gum, I always get what I want.

If I had to work for things, why, I wouldn't be the protagonist of a litRPG. I'd be in some other genre. Like… I don't know, Shakespeare. So once again, I call upon you all: overcome your limitations. Vault over logic. Scale past sense. Jump the shark! Find the strength in you need to kill me precisely one time! Exactly just the one time! And once you do that, once you do what you know was impossible and will continue to be impossible after you do it that one time… then you'll…

get 15 dollars worth of scratch cards. From me. On my corpse. Anyway, that's my speech, and you all have to be inspired because I have good stats. In fact, you have to start clapping. I'm so good at this I have an SSS+ stat in it so you're mandated by the plot. Yeah that's right. Clap for me you clowns. You worthless insects. Gods I hate you all so much.