Chương 952: Day Nine Hundred And Fifty

Dear Diary, One of the things Neurotypical people seem to underestimate, and I'm not saying by a little bit, but by whole assed orders of magnitude, is the effects that cortisol have on the ADHD brain. Well, cortisol, adrenaline, that whole suite of fight or flight or freeze or fuck responses. I cannot count the number of times I heard someone tell me 'you cannot do this at the last minute'. I can tell you that every time someone told me that, they were factually incorrect.

Don't get me wrong, in almost every case I did a shitty job of whatever it was. Unless the thing was so simple and beneath my skill level that I needed no prep, no materials, no research, and next to no time to complete it well, I turned in a fucked up excuse for a whatever it was. Thing is, sometimes my skill was high enough. Other times that fucked up excuse for whatever it was still wound up being good enough to max out whatever rubric was being used to judge it.

Shitty compared to my best, but still done and done well enough nobody could tell. I guess a few times I wound up doing better than I would have with infinite time on task, if only because I didn't get a chance to fuck my own shit up. It took me a long, long time to realize that though. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd really come to grips with it at all back in the day.

Yeah, I'd heard the words, but hadn't really thought of myself as having any real worth, so I didn't think 'my best' was worth anything anyhow, so I thought 'good enough' was the only thing worth trying for. I dunno how many other kids back in school hit that same kind of problem, but I sure as shit realized here and now that my best is a shit ton better than 'just good enough'. At the same time, sometimes 'good enough' is, y'know, good enough.

Sometimes not everything I do has to be perfect, has to be the most awesome thing ever. Reminds me of one of my teachers from back in the day, who used to say 'perfect is the enemy of good enough'. I think that helped me actually do stuff sometimes, because part of why I'd leave stuff go for so long was that I couldn't come up with a perfect solution, so I wouldn't do anything until I had no time to do anything but crap. But knowing that 'good enough' was good enough let me actually do stuff. Sometimes.

Once in a while. Okay, it worked at least once that I remember, and maybe that was good enough that I would have graduated. Funny, even though I've gotten the nod with that 'Hero in Waiting', I still technically haven't graduated from the Academy until I'm officially an Adult and therefore a Hero. I kinda wonder when or if that will ever happen. Seriously, if I'm just part of Mimic, and that part of me is brain dead, I'm never going to be a conscious mature Adult by body weight.

Yeah, after spending yesterday afternoon staring at Saffron's cleavage in an attempt to avoid thinking about how I'd just created something like Here and Now's Arlington National Cemetery, what with there not being a lot of 'put body in ground' that I'd seen so far, I stepped everybody home, got my girls and ladies settled eating dinner, gave everybody quick kisses good night, and quietly asked, where to tonight? Calverton, love.

So I stepped down to Calverton, only to find Mercy already sitting with Archibald on the Altar. He looked kinda rough. Like, he'd never looked completely healthy, but tonight he looked 'last legs, not gonna live out the night' rough.

"Hey, Archie." Mercy stood and stepped aside with a quiet, "Goddess," although she didn't get more than a couple steps away before Orla gently stopped her with a hand on her forearm. Archibald, who'd been lying there with his eyes closed, stirred, his eyes barely opening.

"Goddess?" I settled in beside him, laying a gentle hand on his chest.

"Yeah, I'm here Archie." If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it. He wheezed, like he wanted to chuckle but couldn't.

"Been a long time since anybody called me that. Brings back memories."

"Good ones, I hope?" He twitched in lieu of shrugging.

"Reminds me of the other times here."

"You want me to do something?" He managed a smile.

"Can't you tell?" I looked into that secret place inside him, then smiled back. I glanced over at Mercy and Orla.

"D'you mind?" Mercy started to step away, but froze when Orla shook her head. Then they both stepped back to the Altar. I slipped tentacles under Archibald, then quietly whispered into Mercy's ear.

"You don't have to if you aren't okay with it." She smiled sadly.

"But this is what I do, though?" I smirked at her.

"Not this part." She blushed a little bit, but kept smiling.

"Well, no."

"So...?" She didn't answer, but shifted around behind Archie's head, slipping her thighs under his head when I lifted gently. Orla laid under his legs, and I slipped under his back, gently laying him atop the three of us. Mercy stroked his brow, gently singing to him and leaning down to kiss first his brow, then later his lips. Orla massaged his feet, his calves, his thighs. I took care of everything in between. We took our time, as gentle and soothing as we could be.

After a long while, he breathed out, almost a chuckle.

"Expected more. From me." I smiled, my fingers interlacing with Mercy's when I reached up to touch his cheek.

"Nah. We're the ones doing the work here. You just relax." His breath caught a little.

"You sure about this?" He didn't reply, but that little vision in the back of his head got even stronger, more intent.

"Okay then." His heart tried to race, and his breath caught again. I thought about it, and hoped my Kitten wouldn't be mad, because I meant well.

"Rest well, Archibald Stewart. Your work on this Earth is done." He tensed, his heart hammering. Then, still smiling, he came, then went. I slipped over to M-Space, only to find him lying there, pinning my legs to the Altar.

"Wow. You've been kicking around a while, haven't you?" He chuckled, but didn't move much.

"Guess I have."

"So. Where do you want to go?" He lay there thinking about it for a while. As he did, I lifted him gently, slipped out from under the enormously heavy motherfucker, then laid him down on the M-Space Altar again. I waited patiently, buoyed by the timeless nature of M-Space. While I waited, he hefted himself around, resting his head on his arms, looking like he was gonna go to sleep. After a while a slight snore wheezed out of him, and I kept waiting, smiling a little as I did. A while later he woke with a start.

"Sorry. Sorry, Goddess. This is just really comfy. Didn't mean nothin' by it." I leaned over, brushing his hair out of his old, wrinkled eyes.

"You wanna stay here?"

"On your Altar? I... I couldn't."

"Why not?" His eyes got a little wide.

"You'd let me stay here?"

"Until and unless you decide you'd rather go elsewhere." I chuckled, because the one thing all my Altars had in common was a sort of bed-ness.

"Seems like my bed is a popular afterlife destination. Sister Siobhan Darling wants that as well."

"So... I can just rest here?" I nodded. He sighed and closed his eyes.

"I think I'll just stay here then, Goddess." I leaned down, kissed his forehead, and whispered, "rest well, my good and faithful friend. Maybe when you wake, you can tell me all about it." His response was nothing but snores, so I slipped back to my Calverton Altar in the Mortal Realm. Orla had gone missing, and Mercy knelt there, head bowed.

"Hey, you okay?" She jerked a little like I'd poked her.

"Goddess. High Priestess Calvert took Archibald's remains away, but told me I should stay?" I settled down, putting my arm around her.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking she kept you up here for more reason that just Archie. Been sitting with people?" She sighed.

"Yes, Goddess." I kissed her brow.

"Thank you."

"But... So many choose to end their lives despite all I do." I nodded, still holding her.

"Yeah. I get it. But you still sit with them. Sometimes that's all you can do. Be there with them, all the way to the end." She sighed. Nodded.

"But... It seems so little. It seems like I should be able to do more." I hugged her to me. Looked in that space deep inside, and pulled her into my lap, cradling her like a child.

"We'd all like to do more, Mercy. Even me. Just remember, all you can do is all you can do." I quietly sang to her while she first wept, then slept. I definitely felt some kinda way about not being able to get her to let go of that guilt she felt over her best not always being enough to keep those she watched over alive. But I had to remind myself. Sometimes it's okay to be good enough.