Chương 905: Day Nine Hundred And Three

Dear Diary, Y'know, I can't say I'm really very unhappy about spending time with each of my family. Honestly pretty stoked about it, not to mention glad that Saffron seems to have taken it upon herself to handle scheduling.

Seriously, if I were the one scheduling things, I'd have left so many of my Temple volunteers wanting, because I'd just be grabbing them at random, and that shit's never fair to anybody, because there's always somebody who can count on the dice going their way, and somebody else who is Murphy's bitch. I think that's something that a lot of people just don't get. That some people just can't get, because for whatever reason it would do too much damage to their worldview.

The idea that not only aren't they in complete control of their world, their destiny, but that nobody fuckin' is. I get it, and I realize a huge part of why I get it isn't even anything special about me. If anything, it's a weird side effect of my circumstances, which are, again, so completely random and niche that I don't think there's really a way to recreate them.

I mean, I really want to try, if only because that desperate, irrational need for control that doesn't exist is both such a seemingly integral part of human nature and also the cause of so much of our toxic behavior as individuals and maybe as a species. Seriously, I saw it all the time back in the day, and I see some of it echoed here and now. Folks want to think that if they work hard and do the right things, they'll prosper.

Folks want to think that when random bullshit falls out of the sky, the things even secular people refer to as 'acts of god', that there is in fact a God deciding when and how and who those acts affect. They want there to be some kind of someone in control, even if it's some diabolic, cartoonishly evil conspiracy, because that way at least there's someone to blame for shit. That way someone is in control. I get it, I really do. Back in the day I think that made my depression and anxiety worse.

I watched as some people did all the right things and wound up catching stray bullets. I watched as others did the same and worked themselves to death without anything to show for it. I watched people do the 'smart' thing and turn to dealing, or turning tricks, or even start up an OF page and rake in cash. Some of them used that cash to buy themselves endorphins in the form of drugs, retail therapy, or even paying an actual therapist.

Others used it to buy themselves out, to move out of the hood into the increasingly strapped and expensive suburbs. Some even succeeded. Most of them just crashed and burned. The higher they soared before Murphy caught up to them, the harder they hit when they crashed. Okay, the more I felt it, because I realized that there seemed to be no real difference between the tiny minority who made it out and the vast majority who didn't. That hits hard as a kid on her own, with nobody to say 'I'll be there for you'.

Fuck, I'm not sure how much better it would have been if I'd have had a family around supporting me. Okay, yeah, it might have been better. Because that's what I've got now. A family who supports me, who I do my best to protect. Even if sometimes I get here a little late, I can still fix a lot of shit even if it has gone wrong. Given what I know now, I might even be able to make it right if somebody like Ria died.

There's no limit to the amount of power, of Mana, I can draw from Mimic before she cuts me off, because there's no her to cut me off. Just me. Which means that the only thing preventing me from burning parts of myself are those psychological limiters all Human and Human-Adjacent folks have. But once again, I am forty percent digression by volume. I have a family now, and that helps in so many ways. In some ways, it's that support.

That thought that we'll be here for one another, that together we can deal with things that no single one of us, even the biggest and strongest one, can deal with on their own. But there's another layer to it. A deeper one, that I only just thought of, that even thinking it scares me a little. Okay, given how fear resistant I seem to be, I guess that means it scares me a lot. At least to me, family is life. It's why I'm here. It's a reason for existence.

If some random event so big that it destroys my entire family in a way I can't bring them back hits, that can't take away the past. It can't take away the fact that we were here. It can't take away the love given and received. Yeah, maybe there are things big enough to kill me. Even now. Maybe there are things that can erase even my memory of what has gone before. But that doesn't change the fact that they still existed. That for some brief shining moment or two, we were here, together, in this place.

That, for me at least, makes things worth pursuing, even if with all my power, I can't be sure pure random chance won't fuck it all up. Yeah, I don't know why, but somewhere along the line I realized that the universe itself is uncaring, and so big that there's no way to control all of it. I realized that no matter how you skew the odds, you can still get unlucky. Or lucky, for that matter. So all you can do is the best you can, and enjoy what you have.

Speaking of the best I can, or really the best Daya could, my nails were absolutely fabulous by the time we made it to dinner. I'd pointed out that I wind up having to do a lot of physical labor, a lot of working with my hands, and that super long claws were kinda contraindicated by that, so she didn't try to make them super long or bulky. I'd seen women like that, and while I wondered a little what it would be like, I'm not really eager to try it. But long or not, my nails absolutely glittered.

My thumbs were a pale robin's egg blue, my pinkies an equally pale pink, and my middle fingers were white, with the index and ring fingers somewhere in between. All of them sparkled. When we got to dinner, unprompted by Daya, I showed them off to the rest of the family, and if Daya seemed a little bashful, she smiled the whole time, even more so when David begged her for a set just like them.

"So, what do you guys think?" I asked when I made it to my seat.

"They're lovely," Siobhan said as she took my hand to look at them.

"Me Next." Daya definitely smiled when she heard Marie say that. Saffron had my other hand, showing my nails to Tallulah. Tallulah frowned, not in any kind of mean way, but asked, "how likely are they to break if you get in a fight?" I shrugged, but before I could reply, Saffron shook her head.

"They're short, so unless something hits them directly it's unlikely. Besides, I think those sparkly flecks are silver and gems, neither are particularly soft compared with, say, fingernails." Tallulah waved Daya over. When she arrived, my Sidhe lady asked, "can you do other colors?" Daya nodded.

"Will you please let me know when you can do mine?"

"Yes!" Daya gave Tallulah a hug, surprising everybody, then scampered back to eat her dinner. Pasta and meatballs tonight. Not a pasta shape I'm familiar with, some kind of little cone shaped things, and the meatballs were way bigger than I expected, to the point where most people just ate one, but all of it tasted incredible. Solid marinara sauce with it.

I kinda wanted to get back in the kitchen, but for the past couple days I'd been spending a whole day focused on family, on one kid at a time, and at this point I felt some kinda way about interrupting that. When we got to the Bath, I pulled Saffron aside and asked, "so, who's got me tomorrow?" She chuckled, hands playing around under water. Nothing super pointed, just gently caressing, but it still tickled at me. Not something I was ready to follow up on yet though.

"I'm surprised you've succumbed to my plan so quickly." I shrugged, pulling her up to where I could support her with my hands on her butt. Kinda wanted to roll her over, but that would mean taking her hands off my ass, which was a complete non starter.

"You're the smart one. I'm really doubting my own judgement. The rest of the adults in the family agree with you," I glanced around, and all of them nodded in agreement.

"So yeah. I'm..." I tried to think of the right way to put it, but eventually settled on, "I'm a little worried about the Alliance, but I figure you'd tell me if something was wrong." She went silent just long enough for me to worry, then shook her head.

"I would. But just so you're aware, right at this juncture I wouldn't tell you about suspicions or worries or anything other than a problem that required your personal intervention." I sucked at my teeth.

"There are a lot of things that you guys could deal with, but I could handle faster and safer." The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. She nodded, but said, "none of those things are happening at the moment. Should something come up that requires your intervention, we will tell you." I sighed.

"Okay. I just... Give me a synopsis?" She paused, looked at the ladies, who all nodded, then nodded to me.

"Okay then. Some scrying communication has been anomalous. Nothing that couldn't be explained by the harsh winter storms interfering."

"Harsh?"

"The storms this year were particularly harsh. People are blaming it on the kaiju."

"People? What about you?" She shrugged.

"I'll admit that it's a possibility, but I hesitate to assign blame without concrete evidence. There could be a Deity of storm or sea responsible." I winced.

"Yeah, um... Don't worry about that, then." At the look on her face, I quietly said, "you remember that Spell I had you work up?" Enlightenment dawned on her face.

"Oh. Oh, yes. I seem to recall that one." Siobhan glanced between the two of us.

"Which Shape?" At that point Tallulah interrupted.

"One which is and should remain secret." She looked at me.

"I cannot Shape it, but I could recreate the Shape if I had reason to. It interacted with the System Spell, after all." I pulled Siobhan close, kissing her forehead.

"Seriously, Siobhan. It's... It's sort of scary just knowing it exists." She grinned at all of us.

"So I should wait until after the little one arrives for you to tell me, lest I lose myself to desire?" Yeah, we all got a little laugh out of that. Kinda felt like maybe doing something then, but not quite. Carried everybody down to bed, tucked us all in like overlapping jigsaw pieces with me at the bottom of the pile. Not having to breathe might have put Daya in an horrifying position when Isnomi backhanded her, but it was super handy when cuddling in, since suffocation wasn't a worry.

In the morning, Saffron pulled me aside and said, "Lindsey." I nodded and hugged her.

"Thanks for coordinating things, Kitten."

"That's what I do, love. Coordinate. Arrange. Manage."

"Managing me now?" She just grinned up at me.

"Isn't that my job?" I laughed, kissed her, and went down to help with breakfast. Eggs and waffles. Simple, but with the right syrup and spices, still delicious. While I helped prep, I asked Marie, "what happened to all that food we prepped for Yule?" She paused, sighed.

"Disaster Recovery." I winced.

"Yeah. I guess normally folks would be stretching it out by cooking at least a little, huh?" She nodded.

"But it's just you and now me?" She nodded again. I hugged her.

"Thanks, Mittens. You really are a Goddess." She raised an eyebrow.

"I Know." I pulled her down until our foreheads touched.

"Yeah, but did you ever think you'd add 'Home and Hearth' to your whole 'Warrior Queen of the Murderfuck Cult' Portfolio?" She mlemmed, I kissed her tongue, and we brought breakfast out to the family. After breakfast, I walked over to Lindsey. She looked up at me, silently. I asked, "do you mind if I follow you around today?" She shrugged, nodded, and beckoned me to follow her. She led me up to her room, where she got dressed in her cold weather gear, then back down to the basement.

I wound up discovering some kinda neat things about the Homestead that I'd previously been unaware of, specifically that along with the passages connecting the basements that I'd known about, there were also some passages down to the valley below leading off of North House.

"Does Mom know about these?" Lindsey just shot me a look.

"Yeah, she's the one who planned them, isn't she." My quietest daughter just smiled and nodded. She led me down to the barns set into the sides of the valley below the Homestead proper. Okay, I'm not sure if the one full of chickens was technically a barn, or a coop, or a shed. She also led me through a shed where she picked up a long, sharp knife in a belted sheath and strapped it around her waist. As we walked, we picked up Anna and a few other women who had been in the barns.

As each of them joined us, they either pulled a single animal along behind them, or shook their heads. By the time we got to our destination, an oddly clean shed, we had one young bull, an old, almost rickety ram, and a dozen chickens with us. Lindsey looked at me, then at the bull, and said, "hold him?" I realized right then, as she quietly drew that long blade, what this shed was. I stepped over to the bull and took a firm grip on his horns. I also may have grabbed all four legs and his torso with my tentacles.

In the meanwhile, Anna pulled out another knife as two women took hold of the ram. That knife was really fuckin' sharp. The bull didn't even jerk away or anything, just kind of grunted and flexed a little as she drew it sharply across. Blood flowed, and she stepped back out of the way. I might have gotten some on my tentacles. Okay, I did, and I now know what fresh bovine blood tastes like. The women carrying the chickens didn't use knives.

Instead each of them took the chicken's head in a firm grip and they cracked them like whips. One second, live chicken, next second not. Okay, one of them popped clean off, and the body ran around a little. Creepy because it didn't make any noises other than movement, what with the whole 'no more head and upper neck to make noise with' thing. I helped hold the big animals up while the women butchered them. By the time they were done, we had a bunch of meat, a bunch of raw hide, and a pile of bones.

One of the women took the brains and a few of the organs off for storage. Another carted off the hide. All but Anna, Lindsey and I took the meat, I assume up to the houses. Meanwhile Anna started Creating Water to wash everything down with. Lindsey handed me a long handled brush, twin to the one she proceeded to use to scrub everything down.

"I did not really expect this part." Lindsey smirked at me a little as she scrubbed, but just replied, "safer." I must have made some kind of confused noise, because Anna, who'd started cleaning up anything above floor level with a shorter brush, explained.

"We've always burned incense or candles in the slaughterhouse after we're done. It kills the smell, which makes it less awful to work here, but it also means the animals are calmer. If there's no smell of death, and we're gentle and quick about things, the cows, sheep, and goats don't struggle."

"That method on the chickens didn't look real gentle." Lindsey snorted.

"Chickens are awful."

"They taste so good though." She barked out a laugh, nodded, and said, "wouldn't be worth keeping otherwise." Anna looked some kinda way as her mouth worked, so I just said, "go on. Not gonna bark at you for correcting some mistaken assumption by my kid." Lindsey muttered, "not like you wouldn't if she wasn't here." I realized that had been directed at Anna when the High Priestess said, "they're definitely worth keeping around both for eggs and for eradicating vermin. But they do taste good.

Also, from what the Imperator tells us, keeping the slaughterhouse clean prevents disease?" I nodded.

"Yeah. I can see that. A long time ago I read about health problems that can happen if you grow up too clean, but in general? Disease hates clean."

"Too clean?" Lindsey's question seemed like it stemmed from genuine confusion. Not surprising given how I'd been the one to push for daily baths.

"Like, never going outside, never getting dirty in the first place, never even eating fresh veg or anything that hasn't had the everything boiled off it. Like living in a world of sterilized glass and metal." Yeah, she definitely felt some kinda way about that by the way she shuddered.

"Who?" I shook my head.

"I read about some people living like that. I guess some people who are really sick need to live like that, maybe, but it's... It's like moderation in everything. Yeah, if you're gonna do something like this, you want to clean up afterward, but 'too clean' would be never doing this, I guess. Or never eating eggs because they come out of chicken butts."

When we got done cleaning, which included washing the dirty water down a little drain, covering the drain securely, Anna asked for my help lighting some scented candles and a fire that warmed the room up a little. As I looked around the room, I asked Lindsey, "you do this often?" She nodded, and Anna said, "she's very helpful. Especially since we've been mostly snowed in." Something had been bugging me a little, so I asked, "I thought you liked animals?" She nodded.

"But I still eat them. So..." I let her think, let her find her own words.

"I'm kind about it? I make it fast? Try to make them hurt less?" I remembered right then one of the Islamic kids back at Eastside talking about halal stuff, and smiled as I put an arm around her.

"Yeah. I guess that's the best you can do if you're gonna eat something." Then I remembered, and shuddered a little. I felt the tears welling in my eyes, but before they could fall, Lindsey asked, "what's wrong, Mama?" I sighed.

"Did you see what I did to Lyssa?" She shook her head.

"Isadora took me down before you got back."

"Are you two okay?" She just shrugged.

"Lyssa's fault." I hugged her again, enjoying the fact that one of my girls was more mature than the rest maybe more than I should have. But then, Lindsey'd always been like that, as long as I'd known her. Quiet, self-possessed, and oddly rational without being emotionless.

"Yeah, I ate Lyssa." Lindsey took a minute to think about that. Anna tried to hide her shudder, but I noticed anyhow. After a bit Lindsey said, "good." I sighed.

"Yeah, well. I didn't make it painless. Or quick. I hurt her, terrified her, then made her think I might let her go, just so she'd feel worse when she died." Lindsey took less time to think this time.

"Good." I blinked, pulled back.

"Didn't you just say we ought to be nice to the animals we're gonna eat?" She shrugged.

"The livestock isn't mean. I'm not gentle with the chickens." I tried, I really did, but apparently I didn't hide it enough.

"Did her wings taste like chicken?"

"Lindsey! We do not speculate on the flavors of intelligent beings!" I'm not sure where that phrasing came from. Channeling my inner Tallulah maybe. Didn't help. She just gave me all the side eye, then popped off with, "but this isn't speculation. You know. Because you ate her." I took a deep breath.

"Yeah. Kinda. Hard to tell, because nasty people taste nasty." We put away the tools while Lindsey chewed that over. As we headed back to the stairs, she asked, "so do good people taste good?"

"And that's enough speculative questions for today. Time to go up to help with dinner!" Yeah, I'm not even going to pretend like I didn't deserve Lindsey and Anna both laughing at me as we walked up the steps. Mostly because I was laughing right along with them by the time we were halfway up. Starting to get a yen to fill my mouth with the taste of good people again though.