Chương 893: Day Eight Hundred And Ninety-One

Dear Diary, The problem with anxiety is that it's fundamentally irrational. A lot of people think that understanding that means that suddenly somehow anxiety loses its power over the person with anxiety. The trouble, of course, is that the problem with anxiety is that it's fundamentally irrational. That means that no matter how much I realize that anxiety itself is irrational, isn't based on logic or facts or reasoning, it's not going to go away. That might be one of the biggest differences between my ladies and I.

I'm not saying they don't have their own trauma, their own worries and concerns, rational or not. I'm pointing out that every time I've heard them explain their worry it makes sense. Not only that, but when the cause of the worry is addressed somehow, the worry lessens. It might not go away, because worry is a pernicious beast, but it can be fought with facts and reason. It can also be fought with touch and reassurance and deliberate application of happy hormones, which is where it's got parallels to anxiety.

Honestly, as far as I can tell, when I've shown each of my ladies that some concern they had about me caring for them as people is groundless, because even if I don't understand them always, I want to, and want for them to live their best lives, whatever that happens to mean for me, then backed that up with some activities that release that oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, they stop feeling anxious.

Meanwhile when Saffron applies irrefutable Kitten Logic to my anxiety, it festers until and unless she follows that up with brain erasing levels of dopamine release. Okay, I guess the rest of those happy brain chemicals are released, but dopamine is the easy one, the go to, the one she has literally programmed a button into my brain for.

That's even before how she's deliberately taken the time to study how to get me off as quickly, powerfully, and as many times as inhumanly possible, then applied that whenever it's wanted or needed. Thing is, all that stuff also works when she doesn't apply the logic, and we both know it. Which just gives me another reason to love my tiny tyrant, since whenever possible she takes the time to explain shit to my ass.

Not because she has to, but because at the end of the day she's just as concerned about my Agency as I am about everybody else's. Speaking of good shit like Agency, Consent, and things that generate Happy Brain Chemicals, I've decided on my Kitten's present. I'm getting her a CNC machine. A whole assed machine shop's worth of them, really, if I can swing it. In this case that does not stand for Consensual Non Consent, but for Computer Numerical Control.

Basically the cooler badass version of a three dee printer, only instead of squeezing out questionably useful plastic gadgets, this fucker will work in wood, metal, stone, whatever the blades and bits will cut. I know, 'how are you gonna power that bitch'. Well, okay, it might be 'how are you gonna power that, bitch', but I've been trying to be less abusive to myself. So I'll stick with the first one. Really, Saffron's present is kinda leaping off from Marie's; I'm getting her a bunch of kitchen appliances.

A nice stand mixer, a convection oven, an air fryer, and an immersion blender. All of that shit needs electricity, so I'm gonna steal a bunch of those survivalist solar generators. Okay, I don't think they're technically generators; more like batteries you can hook up to a portable solar panel, but I figure if I get enough of them to cover the roof of the Houses when they're unfolded, Saffron can figure out a way to hook them up to power the toys I'm getting them.

Speaking of three dee printers, I'm thinking of getting Daya one. I haven't really mentioned it, because I didn't want to jinx it, but she's been having a lot of fun with the jewelry making kit I got. The only complaint she's seemed to have is how all it does is jewelry. I figure if I get her one of those she'll be able to make whatever she wants. Then again, she doesn't really have access to all the files to print stuff out, so maybe I'll just get her a bunch of those little creator toys.

Y'know, like an easy bake oven, or a bedazzler, or shit like that. Give her a bunch of options, see what she likes. I guess I still need to think on that one. But Marie's definitely getting her kitchen appliances, and that means we need electricity, so I'll be stealing the solar panels, so I'm gonna get Saffron her CNC machine. I mean, other than me, but that's the other kind of CNC. I got my inspiration for gifts for Erato, Borysthenis, and Calliope after dinner, when we all went up to the Bath.

I needed it, because after a day doing construction work I kinda reeked. Still cinnamon spice, which made it sorta festive, but oddly enough even if I smell like a holiday bakery, I still feel sticky and icky. So while I was showering, I was thinking about doing construction all day, and for some stupid reason I started humming 'can we build it, yes we can!'

I'm not sure what Saffron thought of that, other than finding it more 'amusing Goof', but before she could even ask me what the fuck I'd been smoking, three little voices piped up and started singing. Yeah, after hearing me sing it through once, they started riffing on it, singing and doing little dances as they showered. So I'm gonna get them some instruments. Still trying to decide if it would be better to get one of each instrument for each of them or just get a wider variety, so they can try more stuff.

I figure I'll decide on the day when I pick it all up. I might even get them one of those fancy keyboards, what with the house going electric if I can swing it. This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. Of course, thinking about that got me wondering if the CNC machines would be too much, since they're obviously gonna have some steel in their construction. Maybe some other stuff, like tungsten. Diamonds aren't a problem, but I think heavier metals might be.

I kinda wondered if Status would tell me how much of what types of shit I could summon up if I poked at enough of the tool tips, but then I remembered Saffron's Status caution. As we lay there relaxing, I pulled her over.

"Hey Kitten?" I murmured; I didn't want the kids to think it was a big thing, but I enjoyed the feel of her chest vibrating when she spoke.

"Yes, love?"

"D'you think it would be okay for me to do a Status on myself?" She froze, then sighed and relaxed into me.

"I would rather you did not just now." Of course that set off alarm bells.

"Okay, um, I wasn't worried, because after all you just wanted me to wait for things to settle down, but they're pretty settled at the moment, which makes me worried now, because I'm thinking you know something I don't." She rolled us both to the Bedroom, because my Kitten is not unaware of that whole 'beat my anxiety to death with my libido' thing.

"I do know something, love. Or, rather, I suspect two things strongly enough to be certain of them, and am equally certain that both of those things will cause you distress if... No, when you discover them, since I cannot in good conscience tell you to avoid them forever." I frowned.

"Am I dying or something?" Her pause did not help with my anxiety.

"You are not dying, my love." I snorted.

"So it's 'or something'?" She went quiet.

"Shit, Kitten, you're scaring me." She sighed, straddled my legs, and pulled my head to her breast. My anxiety, predictably, dimmed as I got distracted by boobs. I chuckled, shook my head, then chuckled again as that distracted me even more. Not quite enough to make me copacetic, but enough to buy my magnificent Kitten time to think.

"As I have said, there are two pieces of information I don't believe you're consciously aware of. One of them, I believe, will cause you great distress if you are allowed to obsess over it, even though it ought not distress you in the slightest."

"Well, that's..." She silenced me in the most pleasant way possible, then continued.

"No, love. It is not anything bad, or evil, or wrong. It is simply something that has a great deal of potential power, and I know you. You will think you have used that power poorly, despite how ridiculously erroneous that belief would be." She paused, then before I could push away to ask, hugged me.

"The other thing, I am entirely uncertain how you will react. Well, no, I suspect you will find some way to castigate yourself, even though I have no idea why or how. But it is, in my opinion, the more traumatizing piece of information." Well. Shit. Trauma? More trauma? Trauma I don't have yet? Where do I fuckin' sign? Holding me tight to her chest so my whole head vibrated to her singsong, she sang, "That's why I've had you wait, love."

Yeah, that totally scrambled everything, which I had to admit was an improvement. So. I figure I ought to know this shit before someone else figures it out and uses it against me, right? She sighed.

"That has been a concern of mine. Yet, learning these things might upset you deeply enough for long enough to, as you've said, 'take you off the board' while you consider the ramifications. So..." So you wanted to wait until we had downtime.

"Just so. But also until the Alliance's defenses were stable." You managed to stop twelve kaiju without me. She chuckled, making me very aware that she hadn't let up on the glomping in the slightest.

"Your brother Jormungandr helped, but yes, our ability to deal with problems is almost where I'd like it to be. Enough to give you some time, at any rate. But there is one thing left to do." She sighed.

"And one more I would request." What request?

"Not going to ask about the remaining thing to do?" I snickered into her cleavage, then wrapped my arms around her as I thought, kinda figured that was the watch towers. I swear I felt her smile, and definitely felt some warmth radiating from her.

"Correct! We cannot respond as fast as you can, so we must have more time to respond. As for the other, would you wait until after Yule?" I sighed, realized that sighing kinda motorboated her a little, and did it again with a slight smile on my face. I'd kind of hoped Yule would count as 'down time'. She hummed a little, considering.

"Truly, it should be. Many who might otherwise be hostile or seek to do us harm will instead be spending the season with their own kin, or in their own halls. But... Please spent the first night with us? Exchange gifts? Seek out that dangerous knowledge with the sure and certain knowledge that every single Soul in this House loves you dearly?" I went still as I thought about that. Then I nodded, enjoying the sensation. Okay, Kitten. Anything else tonight?

"One more thing." She pulled me out of her cleavage and Grinned down at me.

"Tallulah will join you tonight, and you will be terribly sloppy with her."

"What? Why?" She buried one hand in my hair, pulled my head back until my back arched, then slid her other hand down my front.

"Because I am not going to leave you in any condition to be precise. She needs more sloppy in her life." Yeah. Not sure if Tallulah liked time oscillating like a badly balanced top while I dragged her out all night. The fact that Saffron was giggling at her when I laid her down in our big round bed, mostly because my long tall Sidhe lady couldn't make her legs work, and Tallulah's only response was to flip her off while falling asleep did not eliminate my ignorance whatsoever.

Spent the day grabbing gifts, building towers, including some that really just needed hearth fires properly laid, and playing with all the kids everywhere.