Chương 924: Day Nine Hundred And Twenty-Two

Dear Diary, Something folks do not spend enough time talking about, and I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before because of, well, memory. Along with completely untreated ADHD fucking around with my time sense and object permanence, depression can fuck with memory something fierce.

I don't even really know why, and at this point I'm not sure if that's because I never read anything about the mechanism behind it, or they didn't have enough research done to really pin it down, or if I read the specific description of how it worked and wound up forgetting about it because I read about it during some phase of a depressive spiral and crash. Or maybe during the whole manic rush, because now and then I get those too.

They especially happen, I think, when nothing especially emotionally dysregulating has happened recently, which means I haven't gotten pissed, or thrilled, or crashed, or anything else, so my body just decides, 'here, have all the dopamine we've been saving up', and while that dopamine lasts, I feel like I could fly, or take on the world, or lift... Fuckin' hell, this is exactly the kind of reason here and now feels so weird sometimes.

I really don't know whether any particular thing I think I can do is just a reasonable, rational estimation of my own abilities or mania talking to me telling me I can do shit I can't.

What makes that especially frustrating and maybe scary is that I'm pretty sure at least one or two times when I pulled some serious bullshit out of my ass here and now, the logical, sane part of me would have said, 'no, that is not something that can be done, every Smart Person™ you know says that is impossible, not in the 'too hard to do' sense, but in the 'lifting yourself by your bootstraps is insane troll logic' sense'.

Which means that to some degree, where I am now is in part due to my manic phase's stubborn refusal to see 'rational, reasonable' limits as applying to me. The really frustrating fucked up part is that I'm pretty sure that bitch has been correct every single time. Given how often that part of me made me do shit that left me crashed, burned, and too depressed to even self-service back in the day, having her turn into some kind of a super power enabler here and now is really frustrating.

Even so, I really don't think that part of me is a healthy part. Okay, maybe if I work on recognizing when it's happening, then focusing my efforts at that point on, I dunno, zero consequence amusement shit, like making presents for people that I check over after the manic phase is done. Or maybe doing things that need to be done, but are normally kinda difficult, but don't need to be done super good, just done.

Yeah, some part of me wishes I could just get my hands on some mood stabilizers or some good shit like that, but that's not really an option here and now, and I'm not sure what can of worms I'd be unsealing if I bring across anything complicated from the pharma industry back in my old world. My rational brain says it's just a chemical, my superstitious one thinks that somehow I'd somehow bring across medical insurance executives or some other equally obnoxious vermin.

On the other hand, I'm sure smart guys like Doc Glass could come up with some kind of Shaping that helps people calm... Fucking Hell on toast. I gotta remember to tell one or all of my ladies to Smite the living shit out of me next time I realize I'm manic. Or depressed. I mean, yeah, lots of freaky sex is also an option, but honestly I think I'd rather save that for the celebration when my depressive episode is over.

So when the girls looked at me yesterday and asked if they thought they were ready to give the family a little concert at dinner, my immediate response, both because it was true and because I'm tryna be a supportive mom, was, "absolutely!" At that point they all started talking over one another trying to decide which of Garde's songs to play at dinner. Which was right about when I remembered that I'd intended to go to the Friday night Revel tonight.

"Ah, girls? Maybe not tonight?" They all looked at me with such disappointment in their eyes that I knew right then and there I wouldn't be able to focus on my Worshippers anyhow. Also, I also realized that the whole depressive crash and subsequent focus on my family had completely knocked anything resembling a schedule or memory of where I'd last been or what I should be doing out of my head. For a brief moment I teetered on the edge of another crash.

Then I remembered that despite what my depression tells me, I do not in fact have to face things like this alone.

"Gimme just a second, girls, Mama needs to check on something." Ladies? If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. Saffron answered, but I got the impression that all of my High Clergy were on the line and listening. Yes, love? Yeah, I don't think returning to Revels tonight would be a good idea. I'm sorry. That got me a round of surprisingly supportive yet disappointed simultaneous replies, all of my ladies reassuring me that they'd rather I wait until I was ready.

Saffron capped it all off with, we all know the high standards you hold yourself to during Revels, love. Return when you are ready. Yeah, uh. Two things. Nobody replied, but I got the impression that they were all listening attentively. First, 'cause I don't want anybody blowing smoke up my ass when I clearly don't deserve it, part of why I'd be distracted tonight is that four of my girls want to sing at dinner. I'm sorry. That got me a round of giggles and outright laughter. What? Karen replied to that.

Oh, no, the Goddess of Children has placed the Passion of her own Children above that of the adults in her service. Whatever shall we do, ladies? Before I could respond, Marie simply added, Teamwork. Are you suggesting after the bath tonight we hold her down while you perform unspeakable carnal acts of Worship, lest she feel some kind of guilt over her decision? Tallulah's question held just enough back I couldn't tell whether she was offended, confirming, or eager. Take Turns. Saffron thought.

I believe we have a plan then, ladies. Don't I get a say? I whined. That got me the unanimous chorus of NO! I so richly deserved. Okay. Um, one last thing? Okay, maybe two, again? They all waited again. I kinda lost track of where I was last, who I'd been with, who was next, all of that. I'm sorry. Oh, love. Do you feel guilt over that? Yes? Will it assuage your guilt should we arrange something special when you do return? Saffron's question was bait. I knew it. She knew it. The ladies knew it.

You just wanna get me to agree to something for nefarious reasons, don't you. She laughed, joined by the rest of the ladies in my head. Perhaps. Will it help? Y'know what? Probably. She sighed, relieved. Then may we? I took a second, then thought back, Okay, one condition. You all Smite the living shit out of me as often as possible tonight. That got me another rousing chorus, this time of Done! I turned back to the girls, who'd been quietly continuing to discuss which songs they felt best about.

"Okay, girls. You want to sing tonight?' They nodded.

"You want me there listening?"

"Yes, please." Garde's words were quiet, but heartfelt. I scooped them all up, hugged them, and said, "okay then. You ready to head down now?" They cheered, I stepped us down to the Dining Room, and then went and found a few older tablecloths to cover the big table in the center. Which left me feeling a little weird. Not bad, just amazed that we not only had tablecloths, but 'old' tablecloths, ones the kits had crawled around on when they were too small to reliably nom with reasonable amounts of spillage.

Even Marie's laundry witchery could only do so much, I guess. Or somehow these were ones I'd laundered, and I'd fucked them up and set the stains in. Yeah, I needed a factory reset. The concert was brief, but really nice. I'd probably have been way more wowed if I hadn't been there for their practice jam sessions and for Garde's poetry readings. Everything hit me as a weird kind of poetry slam, jazz, ren faire combo.

Strange, not anything I would have enjoyed back in the day, but here and now I kinda had to deliberately sit on the Apollo part of me so I didn't join in. Something about live music just hits different. Of course, the reason I knew I'd have been more impressed if I hadn't been there watching them put things together is everyone else's reactions. Some of them had started out politely listening, like Ria and Lindsey, while others looked like they wanted to heckle and be rowdy, like Isnomi, Anise, and Felicia.

One stern look at Isnomi settled her down, and she wasn't about to let her little sisters be more boisterous than her. Even if they were taller than her by now. By the end of my kits' set, they'd been utterly enraptured, and started shouting for more. Isnomi even bolted over to me and asked, "Mama, whas da word fow mowah?"

"Encore?" She swallowed turned around, and started shouting, "encore! Encore!" The kits eventually had to do one more song just to get the three hooligans to settle down and eat dinner. Kinda funny, I paid so much attention to my musical kits during dinner and afterward in the Bath that I totally forgot any other arrangements had been made tonight. My ladies did not.