Chương 910: Day Nine Hundred And Eight

Dear Diary, I really don't know where I'm supposed to go with the information that all those dark impulses I've got weren't coming from some all powerful Deific entity, but from my own brain. Neural tissue. Mind.

Whatever, it came from me, not from Her Dark Fatassness, because while there is a continent spanning mass of Divine flesh making its home in M-Space, not to mention the 'greater' part of my body that I can only dimly perceive when I'm fully involved with my larger half, the only Mind kicking around in any of it is me. Nobody else to blame anything on, just my own fucked up fetishes and crazy kinks.

Something I thought about today while considering how I can't seem to run the rest of me, an analogy that feels right, but I've got no idea how close to correct it really is. It's almost like if I had to run the Black Dragon by myself; technically with Co-Location I might be able to have one of me at each of the key controls, plus a couple to do shit like loading shells or other bits where I'm not exactly sitting still. Thing is, there's still only one of me there to pay attention, so I'd wind up fucking shit up.

It's like an old episode of Doctor Who I watched once, where he was running around the control console like an absolute madman, and stuff is almost but not quite flying out of control the whole time he does. At one point later he has some other folks with him. I think he wound up with six people who were qualified to fly a T. A. R. D. I. S., and Sexy flew smooth as silk, because she's technically supposed to have a crew of six pilots.

Or maybe it's like that movie from the early teens, the one with the giant mecha that need two pilots because if one guy tries to pilot it his brains bleed out his ears. That would explain some of the fatigue when I wind up doing it anyway, not to mention the weird kind of persistent dissociative state I wound up in when I came back from tryna be several tentacles at once. I guess the short version of things would be that there's just not enough of me to run all of me at one time.

I can maybe influence the rest, and get a few tentacles to obey simple commands and act as extra or bigger hands, but tryna make more of me go than that is... Well, honestly, mostly it happens when something is so antithetical to who and what I am, who and what I want to be, that I get some adrenaline analogue going and boom, shit goes down. But all that means I've got to own up to my dark side. On the one hand, I know I've said that before.

On the other hand, at the time I was painting my dark side as an entirely different being. Which... I've read about some folks who are more than one person in their head, and so long as they all mostly get along as well as any other roommates and none of them fail to pay the rent, so to speak, I don't see a problem with it, but that's not my situation. Honestly, it's almost the opposite. There's just one me, but I've got what amounts to thousands upon thousands of tornado sized bodies.

Really, some of my tentacles are smaller than others, and I think some of them branch. Like they start out as one big tentacle, then split into more than one tip. Shit, given how much various kinds of Shapeshifting come naturally to me, I would not be surprised in the slightest if any given one of them changes that shit up on the regular.

But if I don't own my own darkness, really own it this time, at some point one of those urges is going to hit me out of left field, totally blindside me, and then I'll wind up having to explain a missing partner, or worse a missing kid. That would not be okay. So after three straight days of napping, I think I was kinda napped out. Once everybody was tucked into bed, Saffron snuggled up to me and thought, a request? Ask away.

Could you spend some time tonight trying to sort out what needs to happen for us to return to your holiest of holies? I did my best to hide my snickering snort, but Isnomi still grumped at me where she'd used her mom's thigh as a pillow. You just want to get in my holes. If that's all we wanted we'd drag you off to the Bedroom. Fair point. I sighed. I'll try and sort things out, but... Honestly I just need to be sure of myself, more than anything else. Thank you, love.

She drifted off to sleep with her lips on mine. I closed my eyes and Co-Located to the top of the M-Space West Tower, the same spot Saffron's Soup Dumpling dream self dove from the other day. My Maw spread out across the valley far below, almost beckoning with how all of my tentacles slowly undulated everything toward it. Not fast, not grabbing, just gently wafting everything, like a gentle breeze or slow current. I stepped off the edge, lowering myself down until my feet slipped under the surface.

Everywhere but my scars went a pleasant sort of tingly numb. My scars, the few I'd gotten on my feet and lower legs, burned like cuts with ghost pepper sauce poured into them. After a few moments I pulled away, my skin pink, my scars angry red. Love? So strange how her voice sounded even more her here somehow. She stood on the edge of my Maw, one hand reaching out to me. Carefully, ever so cautiously, I reached over with one tentacle, lifted her gently, and brought her to hover in front of me.

"Yeah, Kitten?" She glanced down, then back into my eyes, yearning for my depths. Please? I hesitated, and she reached out, touching my cheek. Her longing surged through me.

"I'll... I'll try." Slowly, ever so slowly, I lowered her feet into my Maw. I stared into her eyes as they dilated, her back arching. The further she slipped, the harder it took both of us, until a convulsive paroxysm of pleasure yanked her hand away from me as she convulsed. She flopped backward, soup making her slippery as she dissolved into my Maw. Moments later she stood on the edge of my Maw once more, reaching for me. I slipped over to her, taking her hand and holding her to me.

"Yeah, not quite ready for that again." But... I smiled down at her.

"Not you, Kitten. Not any of you. It's me. I... I need... I think I need a little time." Encouragement? I smirked down at her.

"Yeah... Maybe." She glanced down at my Maw, so close she could step out onto it had I not asked her not to. I laughed, stepped us to the Bedroom, and brought her lips to mine. Then laid her down and kissed her, a path of kisses from her lips down to her hips. A twist of her hips later and she knelt, thighs around my ears. Please. For this? You just gotta ask, Kitten. She didn't actually ask, because I'd already started. I did not expect her to fall apart in a shower of soup right at the peak.

I definitely did not know what to think of winding up with a mouth full of Saffron Soup Dumpling Soup, and did what came naturally. I swallowed. Pure, raw Worship hit me from the inside out, like high proof alcohol made out of life and love itself. No duty, no obligation, not even submission, really. Then Siobhan showed up and pounced on me before I could react. Never swallowed a slushie that perfect without getting an ice cream headache.

Wound up with some kind of Worship anti-headache, like pure euphoria pumped directly into the back of my brain. One after another, my ladies kept me pinned to the Bed all night long, each of them forcing bits of their dream selves into my mouth, down my throat, over and over and over. By morning my fuckin' hair glowed, and when Orla showed up in her very much not dream self persona, I shook my head.

"Oh, no. Not actually eating one of you." She snickered, for no reason whatsoever reminding me that she'd tasted of thick beef stew.

"I'm not here for that." She plucked at her Holy Garb, and I got it.

"Oh!" I checked the position of the sun, then thought of positions.

"So, uh, so long as you don't expect me to take a bite out of you, you still wanna?" She blushed, hard. I think I have a thing for people who blush. Who wear their emotions that openly.

"But..." I shook my head, sitting up and laying my hands on her thighs.

"Oh, hey, not an obligation. Not... Hell, I shouldn't have asked. Sorry." She shook her head.

"Oh, no. Not what I meant." I looked up at her ever so earnest face.

"so what did you mean?" She stuttered a moment, then said, "reciprocation?" Yeah, I dunno what else 'Gift Ecstasy' does, but apparently when I push some Mana into that Skill I can hit Saffron levels of speed and intensity. Which just kinda echoed back into me when sunrise hit and lifted us both into the air. Heh, Conrad heard I liked orgasms, so he put an orgasm in my orgasm so I can have more orgasm per orgasm. Gotta find some way to thank him for that aspect of my High Clergy's Holy Garb.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement. Okay, now I'm wondering exactly what would happen with Cherry's situation if he went through the Trials and wore his Holy Garb at twilight. Like, would the climax make a mess then get cleaned up, or what is what I have a sudden burning desire to know. That was still on my brain when I collapsed back to myself to find Saffron stirring. After watching her boot up sequence and kissing her good morning, I remembered.

"oh, shit. Kitten?"

"Yes, love?"

"Cherry. I need your help. Told him I'd try to find a way to get him pregnant." She giggled and smiled at me.

"I remember."

"Oh. And?" She smiled serenely.

"I'm working on it. For today, though?"

"Yeah?"

"Alex needs you, I think." Which is how, after a hearty breakfast, I found myself out in the courtyard with my little would-be Hero. She had her little practice sword, her shield, and some padded training armor somebody'd knocked together on over her Hero onesie. She also had none of the eagerness to train with me that I remembered.

"What's wrong, Alex?" She shot me a crooked grin.

"Y'know, I kinda miss you calling me 'kiddo'?" I shrugged.

"I can call you kiddo if you like." She just rolled her eyes.

"Well now it's not..." she chuckled, then interrupted herself with a single sob. Before I realized what I was doing, I held her in my arms, pulled up into a princess carry and crushed against me.

"What's wrong?"

"I couldn't... I couldn't... I didn't want to, but I couldn't even if I wanted to!" I looked around at where some of the other girls and Homestead women had noticed us.

"You wanna talk about this right out here in the open?" She jerked her head, and I stepped us to my office.

"Okay. It's okay, kiddo. It's okay, Alex. I'm here. Mama's here, and I'll make it right."

"You... You did already. But... But... But I couldn't... You shouldn't have had to." I turned her so I could meet her eyes.

"Okay, you realize I am in fact an actual Goddess, right?" She nodded.

"Not just a Demigoddess, but an Elder Primordial, whatever that is."

"What does that mean?" I shrugged.

"Yeah, not sure myself, since there aren't many of us. But... You remember Lemonkyennin?" She nodded.

"Yeah, he was going all out trying to beat me up, and I thought we were doing full contact sparring. When he got away from himself and did something I didn't like? I wrapped him up and read him the riot act."

"Okay?" I nodded.

"Yeah, Lyssa didn't really stand a chance."

"But she's an Elder Goddess?"

"You sure about that?" She shook her head.

"Who told you that?"

"Ria, but I asked her mom and Mom and Marie and they all said it's true." I thought about that for a second.

"Did Ria feel some kinda way about you asking them?" She shook her head.

"Okay, you got a little lucky there, some people might. But I think you were right to double check with one of the moms. Most of us have a lot more experience, and most of us are mature enough to tell you we don't know if we don't know." She tilted her head.

"Most of you?" I grinned.

"Yeah. I might not be. But I'll fake it if I have to. Now, Lyssa's an Elder Goddess, right?" She nodded.

"Primordials are a step above that." She nodded again.

"And from what I can tell, Elder Primordials are a whole assed league above Primordials. Like we can do stuff they can't even try." Her eyes got real wide at that.

"Really?" I nodded.

"Really, really. But I didn't tell you that just to blow my own horn. My point, and I did have one? Is that right now, you're a little girl who wants to be a Hero." She definitely looked some kinda way, so I added, "nothing wrong with that. Everybody starts somewhere."

"Not the kits." I shook my head.

"Yeah, some people win the birth lottery. But I saw them pop out. They were just big slimy beans."

"No!"

"Yep. If Marie doesn't mind, you can maybe help me midwife next time." She got a booger look.

"Next time?" I nodded.

"No thank you, Mama."

"Okay then. But you see my point? You're a girl who wants to be a Hero." I interrupted another booger look with, "okay, maybe a very young woman who wants to be a Hero. But you're still training to get into the Academy. You're not even old enough to apply yet, and... Okay, you took Isnomi as your Patron, right?" She nodded.

"I'm her Priestess!" I mentally took myself in hand and simply asked, "did she ask you?" She nodded, then pouted a little.

"She says I can't be a High Priestess until I get into the Academy." Curious, I asked, "what about Lindsey?" She just shrugged.

"I dunno. I don't think she wants to go to the Academy, really." I found myself torn. On the one hand, I suddenly realized that Marie being Isnomi's High Priestess meant that the Menace could, if she wanted, eavesdrop on Murder Mittens and I doing the freakiest of shit. Which meant that if she'd given Lindsey that same status, Lindsey could too. On the other hand, I'd watched Lindsey calmly slit the throat of a bull destined to become steaks.

If any of my girls could calmly come to grips with watching Marie use me as a profanity hand puppet, it was her. On the gripping hand, I had an Alex right in front of me who'd been upset a few minutes ago, and while I was glad I'd distracted her, I needed to deal with whatever had upset her, or at least address it somehow.

"Okay, so what had you all out of sorts downstairs?" She opened her mouth, closed it again.

"Well..."

"Wait. Was it more than one thing?"

"Kinda?" I nodded.

"Okay. First rule of solving problems, you gotta define them. Doesn't have to be perfect, but that's step one. And tryna solve two different problems at the same time can make it impossible. So lay them out, and we'll sort it out." She went quiet for a bit, obviously thinking. Before I could get impatient, she said, "I'm not strong enough."

"Not strong enough to do what?"

"I couldn't stop the kits from hurting each other. I couldn't stop Isnomi from hurting the smaller girls. I couldn't even stop Ria." I frowned.

"You looked like you were doing a good job to me." She shook her head.

"I was trying to kill her, and all I could to was keep her from killing me." Before I could reply to that, she whispered, "I couldn't even stop myself." I nodded, took a deep breath, and said, "okay, that's several different problems."

"It is?"

"Yep." I started counting on my fingers.

"You couldn't stop the kits. You couldn't stop Ria. You couldn't stop Isnomi. You couldn't stop yourself." She frowned.

"Okay. Why like that?" I shrugged.

"I lumped the kits in together because your problem with all of them is kinda the same. Remember what I said about the birth lottery?" She nodded.

"Yeah, they were born Primordials. Yeah, they're little, so they might not be as strong as a normal Demigoddess or whatever, but they're growing. Fast. So you never really had much of a head start on them in terms of raw physical power, and they're gonna outgrow you."

"That's not fair." I shook my head.

"Yeah, I know, and if I knew of a way to fix it without hurting anyone, including them, I would. But I can't." She opened her mouth, and I could tell what she was gonna say.

"I actually can't make anybody a Demigoddess. My Glory is all messed up, like it drains away into making more of my tentacles before I can use it. Also, I'm not going to make everybody Demigoddesses just because."

"But I'm your daughter?" I nodded, then sighed.

"Yeah. Yeah, and if you gave me a good excuse, like showed me that you were an absolute Hero's Hero, or showed me you wanted to embody something else that deserved a Demigoddess watching over it, I might. If I could. But..." I sighed.

"It's a moot point, because I can't. Thing is, you don't need that."

"No?" I shook my head.

"Nope. They're stronger and faster, but none of them really have been doing like you have with your sparring practice with Ria."

"That matters?" I nodded, realizing right then how much I overemphasized my body language when dealing with the girls.

"Yeah. Because the one thing you might be able to stay ahead of them on is Skills. Once you're grown, you and them? That'll make a difference."

"But they'll be Goddesses. Pri... Pri-mor-di-als." She worked her way through the unfamiliar word, and while she did I burned out a Status and looked at something.

"Yeah, but what are you tryna become?"

"A Hero?" I nodded.

"Yep. A Hero, and you're on the way to becoming the High Priestess of another Primordial. Between those two Titles? You might be able to catch up to them in terms of Strength, Agility, and Endurance. At least boosting your baseline to wherever theirs are. And what will make the difference then?"

"Training?"

"Yep. Now, the problem with Ria is kinda the opposite."

"How?"

"Y'know how the kits are growing fast?" She nodded.

"Well, your Sidhe sister has grown slowly. She's not much younger than Mom, in terms of years."

"But she's just a little kid!" I snorted.

"She's not that much smaller than you, y'know?"

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, yeah I do. But the thing is, while physically you're kinda evenly matched with her? With her being a little faster, you being a little tougher and stronger? She's more Skilled than you, because she's been practicing longer."

"Way more Skilled." I shrugged.

"Maybe, maybe not. I think those things hit plateaus, and she's hit one, while you're catching up."

"I'm not, though. I couldn't stop her." I shook my head.

"Do you think she was able to stop Lyssa from affecting her?"

"Yes? No? Maybe?" She paused in between each of those, and wound up looking confused. I nodded.

"Mom couldn't stop Lyssa without some serious Shaping, so unless Ria got some advanced warning that Mom didn't, she was just as much under the influence. So yeah, you and Ria are evenly matched. You two keep sparring like you have, you're gonna have a huge edge on most of the Cadets when you get there."

"If I get there."

"When you get there. Unless you're reconsidering?" She shook her head.

"Okay. I'm gonna tell you a little secret. Not a huge one, because a lot of people know, and the ones who shouldn't know probably wouldn't believe it. Ready?" She nodded.

"Yes. I'll keep it." I shot her a lopsided smile.

"Okay. Your sister Isnomi?" She nodded again.

"She is, in the estimation of every Deity who has weighed in on the subject, one of the most dangerous beings in the universe."

"No."

"Yep. I'm not sure whether Mother Domnu or I is at the top of the list, but so far she and I are tied one and one when it comes to confrontation. Who in our very extended family do you think most Deities would put right after the two of us in scariness?" She thought for a bit.

"Brother Conrad?" I nodded.

"Yep. They'd be wrong, but that's who they'd pick."

"Why would they be wrong?"

"Two days after I adopted him, I had to tell Isnomi to stop bullying him."

"No."

"Yep. So do you think it's reasonable for you to 'stop' Conrad?" She shook her head.

"So should you even be worrying about 'stopping' Isnomi, except maybe by talking her down?" She looked real doubtful.

"Would she listen?" Fortunately I had an answer.

"Do I listen to your Mom, and to Siobhan, and to Marie, and to Tallulah?"

"Yeah?"

"Well then. You're Isnomi's Clergy, right?" She nodded.

"That means she trusts you. So yeah, she ought to listen to you. Dunno if she could have then and there, but she should have." I let her think on that for a bit. Finally she asked, "okay, what about myself?"

"Remember what I said about Lyssa." She nodded.

"Okay, so keeping yourself from succumbing to the power of a Deity like that isn't easy."

"Mom did it." I rolled my eyes, because that was absolutely a dumbass thing to say. Not that I was gonna call my kid a dumbass, but I was gonna let her know when she acted like one.

"Yeah. Your Mom. The Legendary Archmage. Who protected herself from it by Shaping." I paused while that sunk in, then asked, "have you been practicing your Shaping?" Booger look central.

"I can't project it. I can make it move around inside of me, but I don't have enough to control it and project it at the same time, and Ria says that using it is how to get more of it and learn to control it, but I don't have enough to use it like that." Right about then I got a Bright Idea™ and before I could talk myself out of it, said, "what if I taught you a Shape that didn't require projecting it outside yourself?"

Which is how I wound up spending the rest of the day teaching my would-be Hero the basics of Swift Foot, Strong Arm, and Thick Skin.