Chương 909: Day Nine Hundred And Seven

Dear Diary, Been doing a lot of sleeping lately. Always something I need to pay attention to, for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, of course, is my mental health. Depression manifests in so many fuckin' ways, but the one I've hit most commonly isn't sadness or anything related to it, it's fatigue. Fuck, 'sadness' and similar emotions aren't even on the radar when it comes to my depression symptoms.

Off the top of my head there's the aforementioned fatigue, self-loathing, anger, self-abuse, self-destructive rushes of mania, lashing out at others who deserve it, non-self-destructive rushes of mania, lashing out at people who definitely don't deserve it like my loved ones, and finally 'sadness' and related shit like that.

Yeah, sometimes depression just makes me feel sad about stuff that probably isn't worth the time or emotional energy, but it's so far down the list that I'm not gonna put a lot of effort into trying to sort that out any time soon. The fatigue, though, ought to have been a lot more fuckin' obvious as a depression related cause for my sleeping so much. Yeah, every now and then I do something that pushes even my unholy Endurance. Beating an Elder God in a battle of Endurance.

Simultaneously holding four chunks of Jackville together outside of time and space for some unspecifiable duration, then welding them all together and back to reality again. Cutting an entire City off from anything like Translocation, only to then shove myself through that same Ward, which maybe that's part of why lifting myself is so tough; because I'm not lifting a human sized body with a tornado sized tentacle, I'm moving around the tip of one tornado sized tentacle with another similarly sized tentacle.

Digression, it's not just for breakfast any more. But even going back I did shit like simultaneously offing myself a dozen different ways while dropping the Black Dragon, fighting the top five duelists in Norfolk in succession, Curing all of New Amsterdam and Newark, not to mention kicking the living shit out of their entire army by Co-Locating myself a couple thousand times while also dying a bit.

Some of my feats of Endurance really have been stupidly over the top, so needing a nap afterward wasn't entirely inappropriate. Actually, that makes me wonder if somehow my mental state, mainly including but not limited to my depression, is what makes some things that ought to be easy seem so hard, and why other times I'm fine with it. Sure as fuck would explain a lot. Of course now I'm wondering if maybe somehow my eternally achy scars are part and parcel of that.

Slept through the day yesterday, snuggled in with Saffron, Siobhan, Hailee, and Isadora. Woke up a few times, once when Isadora got up, once when she came back, another time in between when Siobhan asked me to walk to the water closet with her. Funny, she didn't get sick, not even retching, but she definitely seemed like that might have been an option. Also weird to sit in the room while somebody else used the toilet. I mean another adult, especially an adult I've been intimate with.

Okay, an adult that I've had sex with, because sitting there like that, holding her hand while Hailee sat on the far side from her and held her other hand was its own kind of intimacy. I think I still like intimacy way more than I realize, even after having realized it. When I got done feeding her dinner, Siobhan looked at me and said, "would you like to..." Right then I realized that Hailee had headed down to dinner when Marie left, leaving the two of us alone.

"Right here, or in the Bedroom?" Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. She smiled.

"The Bedroom would make things easier, I think." I nodded, put my arms around her.

"Are you feeling up to it?" She frowned.

"I very much want to. But I'm not feeling terribly well today." I rolled us over onto the Bed, then held her there, spooned up with her back against my front. She wriggled the tiniest bit, then smiled and looked at me in the mirror.

"I'm afraid I can't reach you like this." I kissed her gently on the neck.

"No need." She frowned.

"No, really, Darling. I wanted time alone to hold you. If you want more, I'm gonna do every bit of the work. You're just gonna lie there and enjoy. Okay?" She pouted.

"I'm not sure I can." I stroked her arms, her calves.

"Do you want to try?" Her pout lasted a few more moments, then melted.

"Would you mind horribly if I don't?" I waited, and she sighed.

"I think I'd rather not be disappointed if I can't."

"Okay. Just tell me when you think you can. Whether that's later tonight or a few months from now." That got a far more playful pout out of her.

"If this lasts more than a week or so, I may ask you to force the issue." I smirked at her.

"Might need to call in one of the ladies with actual Skills along those lines." She just giggled.

"I'm sure you have at least one of that sort. Probably inhumanly high."

"Yeah, you must be inhumanly high if you think I've got Skills to compare with Saffron and Marie." She giggled more at that, then snuggled back into me. After a while, she sighed.

"Tabitha?"

"Yes, Darling?"

"I think I need the toilet." Yeah, all good things must come to an end eventually. But at that point I got to hold her hand again. Different intimacy, but still intimacy. Before we went to sleep, Saffron pulled me aside.

"May we?" I took a deep breath, then thought.

"Not yet."

"Bedroom?" I sucked at my teeth a moment.

"Not tonight? I mean, if you or any of the other ladies want right now, like this, then sure, I guess, but not that. Not yet. Not tonight." I shook my head.

"It's not you guys. You guys are fantastic. I just... Need time?" She stood on tiptoe, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "of course, love." Once we'd all snuggled in on the big bed, she thought, a request, though? Depends on what it is, but you know I'll try. When you are ready? Please do. With wild, wanton abandon. Might take me a little longer to get to the point I'm ready for that. Then we will wait. In the morning, she nodded to the bed.

"I think you still need rest." I looked at the bed, then back to her.

"You've got stuff to do?" She shrugged.

"A bit of research, a bit of managing the Homestead, a bit of managing the Grand Council."

"You guys are back in session then?" She smirked.

"Officially, yes. Unofficially, it's too cold to do anything productive, so we're mostly just reviewing and planning." I kissed her.

"Okay then. Call me if you need me. Have a nice day at work, dear." Then I spent the day asleep with Siobhan, Hailee, and Isadora. Okay, I woke up a lot, because instead of sleeping and trying to sort out my Maw so at some point when I was ready I could let my ladies back in, I was just kinda napping while snuggling Hailee and Siobhan.

At one point, Marie brought us all lunch, which consisted of croutons, jerky, and herbal tea for Siobhan, cold cut sandwiches on fresh bread with some way less alcoholic mead for me, and a similar sandwich with a big stein of milk for Hailee. After thanking Marie and listening to Hailee smirk at Siobhan and I as we watched Marie walk away, I turned to my kit, curious about something.

"i know Isadora likes her naps, but you don't seem to be napping nearly as much as she does." She just shrugged.

"I don't." I nodded, then followed up with, "so don't you get bored just lying here all day?" She tilted her head and thought about it. I glanced over at Siobhan, realizing that this line of questioning might make it sound like I felt some kinda way about my kit being her medicinal woobie, but she just smiled that knowing smile of hers. Right about then I got a sudden rush of brains to the head. You've talked with her about this before? She just nodded, then glanced over at Hailee as my kit responded.

"Kitten me slept. Now me watches."

"Watches what?" She laid one hand on Siobhan's belly.

"Her. Momma Siobhan."

"You sure you're not gonna get bored?" She shook her head.

"Endlessly fascinating."

"What is?"

"Life." I chuckled, snuggled them both, and said, "ain't that the truth."