Chương 951: Day Nine Hundred And Forty-Nine

Dear Diary, I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying to be a better person. Not just because I want to be a better mom and wife, but because I've got an impact all out of proportion with what one person ought to have. Because not only am I a Deity, not only am I one of the very few Elder Primordials around, I'm also the Elder Primordial of Change, which means shit alters itself around me. I'm practically 'impact' given consciousness.

I fail, constantly, because that is not something any person can live up to, but I keep trying. I'm also trying to be gentler with myself. Not because I 'deserve' it, although I think I remember reading that part of being healthy is realizing that we all need gentleness, and we need to be gentle with ourselves, but because from a completely pragmatic point of view if I'm harsh with myself, I'm gonna traumatize myself.

If that happens, I'm gonna wind up lashing out in ways that I have little to no control over, and not only is that not healthy, that's not a good situation for anyone at all. Which makes it all the worse when I realize I've overlooked something, that I've slipped into the kind of thinking that I'm sure the first folks who stacked a little bit of shit to get a better view told themselves was okay.

So yeah, babysat Alexandra all day yesterday, feeding her soup and water and trying not to worry about her dying while in my Temple, because I was low key sure that somehow Aphrodite would parlay that into some kind of justification for jihad with my Temple, or the Alliance, or my family. Or me, maybe, but frankly that was the least of my worries. Deities straight up coming at me I can handle. Deities being sneaky about it is a pain.

Deities going after people connected to me in sneaky ways is what actually scares me. Yeah, I know they won't hurt me, specifically. That's really not the point though. Honestly, Them hurting my family and friends is only part of the story, too. Because I am painfully aware that thinking fast does not mean thinking good, and some of the fuckers out there have thousands of years of practice at subtle manipulation. Like, not Zeus, and probably not Ares, but some of the others aren't anywhere near that direct.

Yeah, I'm sure 'whispering in the ear of the King of Sparta' is Ares' idea of using a monkey's paw, and given the Spartans would apparently rather chew their own arms off rather than take orders from a Deity, he's even got plausible deniability in his favor. But somewhere out there is a Deity who has had to manipulate assholes like Ares and Zeus in order to have anything like semblance of control over their own life.

I am also painfully aware of how similar I am to assholes like Zeus and Ares in terms of what I consider 'subtle'. Okay, not so much what I consider subtle, but what I think of as 'subtle' plans. Meanwhile I know there are Deities out there who could totally maneuver somebody into attacking my family and, worse, leave a trail that points at somebody else, somebody that they want removed. Shit, Vyenemoinen might have done just that. Fuck.

At any rate, after spending the day doing my daily mom, bodyguard, cook, caregiver, and laundress routine, I helped feed the horde hoard dinner, then got everybody up to the Bath to soak. I think I've been pushing my limits in terms of pseudo-multitasking lately, although there's also the definite possibility that the additional stress of dealing with Alexandra has taken its toll. So I definitely needed the break, the soak, the restful floating. Unfortunately Alexandra kept floating through my head.

I'd left her in Karen's care overnight, because I realized I'd be up all night on Friday night, and that meant if I didn't sleep tonight, I'd be on three nights without sleep, which was not the best place to be in if Aphrodite decided it was time to talk. But I could still see her vague, guileless smile when I fed her, the remnants of frostbite on her limbs and extremities when she curled up to sleep.

I'd honestly worried a little about Healing being too much of a shock to her system, or worse some kind of invitation for Aphrodite to show up and wreck any and all progress she'd made. I'm not sure why that reminded me of the folks who'd wound up killed in the line of duty. Okay, that's not true, not really, but I'm not sure if I'm rationalizing or not. The Heroes and Troops at the watchtowers, the ones the Spartans killed, were only there because of me.

I mean, chain of dominoes and all that good shit, but it's still my name in the 'Patron Goddess' slot, so at the end of the day I'm still responsible. Or at least my guilt tells me so, and it wouldn't lie to me, would it?

"Kitten?"

"Yes, love?"

"How many did we lose?" She paused, as if thinking. Probably trying to parse my batshit insane out of nowhere question. Still, my Kitten be brilliant, and after that brief pause said, "three Heroes at each tower."

"How many Troops?" I'm not sure why the slow, satisfied smile that slipped across her mouth didn't upset me, but it didn't.

"one fifteen man Unit of Volunteers at each watchtower."

"is Phileo still providing most of the non-Heroic manpower then?" If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. She shook her head, smiling.

"No. Most of the Alliance shifted to Phileo style Volunteer Units. You broke New Amsterdam's Levies, most of Calverton's Soldiers died to the Plague, and Thralls were never properly trained anyhow. So with Calverton reorganizing along Philean lines, Newark and Camden Yards adopting Philean organization rather than creating something out of whole cloth, and Newark not really having the manpower to field non-Heroic Troops at this point, New Amsterdam chose to change as well."

"What about Rich Man's Port?" She shrugged.

"They've never really had any non-Heroic troops other than their sailors, most of whom aren't full time combatants anyhow." I nodded.

"Okay. So... eighteen Heroes and ninety Troops?"

"Yes." That weight settled onto me alongside all the Plague victims I arrived too late to save, all the poor Levies I slaughtered at the Battle of the Walls, all the Undead too far gone for me to save.

"Their families?" She nodded.

"The Heroes were all either with their partners or between partners. The postings were long term and away from Cities, so those with families weren't keen on them."

"What about the Troops?" She smiled again.

"Those with families have received survivor benefits." i frowned.

"That seems... I dunno..."

"Too little?" I nodded. She reached out a hand.

"May I?" I took her hand, and she Co-Located both of us to the Grand Council chamber. Empty and dark, it echoed with the sound of our feet hitting the stone floor surrounding the remaining dirt under Treachery Rock.

"Lights, seven." The lights came up, and Saffron led me around to a set of three walls behind Treachery Rock. Well, on the far side from the Council member's desks. One of them had a dozen and a half names picked out in stencils, stone working tools laid out in obvious preparation for immortalizing them.

"The Heroes?" Saffron nodded.

"All of them were offered Revival. None chose it." I sighed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Not everybody's as resilient as Bonnie." She smirked.

"Not everyone has Larry eager to welcome them back as Bonnie, either. Not to mention that some of them had already arrived in Valhalla or the Summerlands."

"Nobody headed to Elysium?" She shrugged.

"Luck of the draw." When I shot her a little side eye, she chuckled.

"No, really. Although I suppose most of them knew they'd be wintering in newly constructed fortifications. Those fond of Greek Deities are seldom those who enjoy cold weather."

"Okay, fair." I shook my head, though.

"The Volunteers." Again that smile returned.

"Yes, my Goddess?"

"They should have a memorial, too."

"It will need to be larger." I looked at the size of the walls, the relatively tiny bit taken up by eighteen names.

"I intend to make this an ongoing thing, love. Hopefully as time goes on we will have less need to add names, but if need be, I will fill these walls to end that which is anathema to you." At my tight lipped stare, she smiled that smile again.

"They volunteer, love. The Heroes, that is. They believe in you, too. Not as a personal Patron Deity, but as the Patron Deity of the Alliance." I nodded. Took a deep breath.

"Well then. As Patron Deity of the Alliance? The Troops deserve something like this too." She smiled, hopped up to wrap her arms around my neck, and kissed me.

"Thank you, love."

"What was that for?" She smiled.

"Ophelia and Weyson convinced McCann to vote against the creation of any such memorial. Mrs. Driver and George were for it, of course, but Leonard convinced Cailyn it was a politically risky position to take."

"Sonofabitch." She shrugged.

"Probably, but in private discussion with Cailyn and I, he pointed out that without the express desire of at least one Deity, such a break from tradition would be unseemly."

"And you didn't tell me then why?" She sighed.

"Politics, love."

"Explain." She shrugged.

"He made it clear that should I convince you, it was tantamount to my voting in favor of it, and he and Cailyn would vote against, which would make my own vote moot. Whereas if you chose to support it without my intervention, it would prove to his satisfaction that I was simply the conduit for a greater power, and in future discussions would keep that in mind."

"Uh..." She sighed.

"My choices were have you throw a tantrum and possibly lose what influence I have gained with Weyson and Ophelia by being reliably correct in my predictions and preparations, or wait and hope and, if my gamble paid off, have Leonard Lancaster fall more thoroughly under my influence." I sighed.

"I fuckin' hate politics."

"I know, love. But I had faith in you."

"What if I never thought of it, though?" She shrugged.

"I'm sure you would have on seeing this," she nodded to the wall.

"And while I'd rather both were unveiled at more or less the same time, later is better than never." She sighed again.

"Baby steps, love." Then she shivered.

"Can we return to the Bath? It's cold." Back in the Bath, I shook my head.

"How is it I didn't see that? Or notice them working on it?"

"They get most of their work done in the early morning, before we arrive, and you're too busy trying to catch a glimpse of my tits and ass to notice some tools covered up by canvas."

"Point." So after a night of the ladies sort of communing about Spartan tracking, sort of gossiping about current and future kids, I spent another day of taking care of Siobhan and Alexandra, playing with and watching over my kids, cleaning and cooking at the Academy, and watching over Saffron and Tallulah. I looked over at the memorial wall, where only a couple letters had been carved out so far. Once everybody arrived, I dropped down off Treachery Rock and cleared my throat.

Which got everyone's immediate attention, even if Weyson and Ophelia were more tense than respectful.

"Quick note. That?" I pointed at the memorial walls.

"I wanna see something like that for our Troops. Doesn't need to be super fancy or expensive or anything like that. Troops probably wouldn't expect or respect that anyhow. But we're not forgetting somebody who died for the Alliance just because they didn't go to an Academy." Of all people, I didn't expect Lenny fuckin' Lancaster to start a quiet round of applause with the simple statement of, "well said, Champion. I agree."

They had the vote right then, and with Cailyn and Lenny voting with Mama Driver and George, the thing went through without any real opposition. Funniest thing had to be the look on Weyson's face when Ophelia voted for instead of against. Guess she's still a little worried about following her brother and father. Too complex, too subtle, too much politics for me. I spent the rest of the day ignoring the rest of the plan making. Saffron's cleavage was way more interesting.