Chương 904: Day Nine Hundred And Two

Dear Diary, I never wanted my kids to learn the kinds of lessons they've learned over the past week. I'd hoped that being an Elder Primordial Goddess who'd let all and sundry know that I do not take kindly to people hurting my family, and that shit is a quick path to painful death would somehow protect them from that. But this week they learned that even the biggest and toughest of mamas can still let them down.

That no matter how dangerous the monster under, around, and in their bed is, if she's not there she can't protect them. That there is shit in the world that can and will turn them against one another, hurt not only their bodies, but their sense of safety and family. They learned that home isn't safe. That they aren't safe. So yesterday I spent the day talking with the one who might still have been safe, even with that fuckin' bitch Lyssa turning them into berserk rage beasts.

Not because she didn't feel safe any more, but because she and I now had something in common. We'd hurt the ones we love, and had to find a way to reconcile that with staying near them, continuing to love and protect them, even as we wound up being the greatest danger to them. At the end of the day, she asked me to help her talk to them at dinner. Marie, beautiful wifiest Wife that ever wifed that she is, made paninis for everyone.

Isnomi and I helped deliver sandwiches and salad and soup to everyone, and if Daya winced away, she didn't scream or run. Once everybody had their food and was eating, I took Isnomi's hand and walked over to the middle of the room. We stood there, everyone's attention sort of surreptitiously on us, until I cleared my throat.

"Everybody, Isnomi would like to say something." I watched everyone turn their attention to the Menace, watched her shrink down, then take herself in hand and swell up again. She swallowed, this time seeming more like nerves than banishing the hell of teeth.

"I'm sorry." She paused, then nodded.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I got so angry, sorry I hunted you and attacked you and..." She trailed off, and I saw the tears forming.

"I'm sorry I killed some of you." In the silence that followed, as Menace... As Isnomi tried to force herself to find more words, to find some way to express her apology, the rest of the girls, even the women in the room seemed to hold their breath. Before she could think of anything, the scrape of chair legs against the floor dragged everyone's attention to where Daya had stood up.

Even with her being shorter standing than she was sitting on the chair, she held everyone's attention as she walked over to face Isnomi. To look Menace in the eye as she shrank down to Daya's height. I didn't react when Daya slapped her. I mean, I could have, but Menace was in about as much danger as a bull elephant being attacked by a Pomeranian.

"I'm sorry, Diamond. I deserve that." Daya did not look forgiving.

"Do even know why?"

"Because I killed you?" Daya jerked her head once.

"Because you didn't. You hit me into the wall, and I couldn't move, couldn't scream, couldn't do nothing but lay there suffocating until Mama showed up and saved us."

"But you can't suffocate though."

"I KNOW! You didn't kill me. Just tossed me aside." She pointed at Anise, then Felicia.

"You killed them. They didn't suffer." Menace shrugged.

"They're dangerous." Daya's incoherent scream of rage hit different after the other day. After she'd hit Menace twice more and showed no signs of stopping, I intervened, carefully lifting her away, holding her just out of reach.

"Daya?" She let out one more scream, then said, "yes, Mama?"

"You have every right to be mad at your sister. I'm not even going to say you have to forgive her." Isnomi blurted out, "you're not?" I shook my head.

"No, kiddo. A forced apology doesn't mean anything, and neither does forced forgiveness." I looked around the room.

"That goes for all of you. I think everybody who hurt anyone needs to talk to the people they hurt. Needs to make things right. And I think it would be better if you found some way to make amends, patch things up. To sort out apologies and forgiveness that mean something. Making things right starts with sorry, but it doesn't end there."

"I don't wanna forgive her." My smile may have been at half mast, but I pulled Daya to me and hugged her.

"Yeah, I kinda realized that." Daya pouted.

"You think I should." I sighed, nodded.

"I think everyone should, eventually. If only because if you don't, I'm worried it'll wind up eating at you every time you see her, making you angry again. And our house is big, big enough for you each to have some space, but it's not so big you'll never see each other. If nothing else, we all eat breakfast and dinner together."

"I still don't wanna." I nodded.

"And that's okay. You need time. I hurt one of my friends really badly once." I looked over to Saffron, who nodded back to me.

"You guys remember my friend Angel?" Some of the girls looked confused, but Isnomi said, "the big girl Cadet?" I barked out a laugh.

"Yeah, you could say that. She's one of the strongest Cadets I know."

"Hero now," appended Saffron. When everyone looked at her, she explained.

"She and William both are Heroes of Camden Yards now. The Mayor and his Champion." I smiled at that.

"Good for them." I turned back to Daya and Isnomi.

"Yeah, when Isnomi was little, she got snatched away by Maze's birth mom, and I had to go rescue her. Angel didn't recognize me in the dark, and tried to get in my way, and I didn't recognize her, and..." I took a deep breath.

"I cut her arms off and nearly killed her." Yeah, my kids are kinda bloodthirsty. If any of them didn't go the Cadet route it wouldn't be out of any kind of misplaced pacifism. Shit, even Hailee looked intrigued.

"Cool."

"No, Menace, it wasn't 'cool'."

"But you healed her." I nodded.

"Yeah. Yeah, I healed her, and said sorry, and explained why I did what I did. She understood. Just like everybody here should understand that your sisters, your friends, were not in their right minds the other day. Lyssa messed with everybody's mind."

"Not yours!" Yeah, Alex's Hero Worship wasn't helping right at the moment. I shook my head.

"Even me. I was just as angry, but I was angry at Lyssa, and her making me more angry didn't stop me. If anything, it made it worse for her. But yeah, if I couldn't stop her, do you think it's fair to hold anybody else completely responsible?" I saw a lot of head shaking.

"Okay, yeah. It took a long time for Angel to get over what I'd done to her. To really forgive me and be friends anything like the same way again."

"But it wasn't the same?" Menace almost whispered.

"No. No, it wasn't. But it wasn't worse, I don't think. Or better. Just different." I waited, then looked around the room.

"So if you hurt someone the other day, you need to apologize, and try to make it right, and know that they might not forgive you right away. They might need you to do something for them, they might need time." I paused, looked around again, then turned back to Daya.

"But if somebody hurt you, you need to be truthful with yourself, know that someone was messing with their heads, and it's not fair to make them pay forever either. So if you need time, you need space, or you need something else from them, you gotta tell them that."

"So we gotta forgive them." Daya grumbled. I shook my head.

"No. But we all have to live here, and I'm not having you guys having grudges forever." I took a breath.

"Yeah, I think that after enough time has passed, you will forgive her. Because you're sisters, and I know she feels horrible about what she did, and she'll do whatever it takes, give you whatever you need, to make it up to you. But only you can say what or when is enough. Not her, not me, not anybody." This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. Daya frowned, then asked, "like our rooms?" I smiled at her, hugging her.

"Yeah. Just like that." She looked down at Menace from where I held her.

"I'm still mad at you."

"I know."

"I don't wanna play with you. I... I don't feel safe around you." Isnomi slumped.

"I know." Tears streaked her face.

"Crying won't make me." Isnomi shook her head.

"Not why... Not... I'm sorry." She turned to go, and I snagged her.

"I think you really ought to stick around, talk to everybody you hurt the other day." She looked a little terrified.

"I'm really proud that you stood up to do this, Menace. Did the right thing. Went first, so everybody else knows that it's hard, but it's not impossible, and they all ought to do it if they hurt anybody." My little Menace sniffled, took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and walked over to David.

"I'm sorry I hurt you." My girliest of girls just shrugged, swallowed the bite of sandwich she'd been nibbling.

"S'ok. I forgive you." Menace looked at Daya, then back at David, then back to Daya. The 'see' energy was strong.

"Doesn't work like that, kiddo. Everybody's different. You could ask her why, though." She turned, and David just stared at her. Eventually she caught the clue and said, "why?" David shrugged and said, "I don't even remember you hitting me. Not really. Just that yowl, then my legs stopped holding me up, and I don't remember anything until Mama healed us all."

"I'm still sorry." She held out her arms.

"I know." They hugged, and Daya muttered, "you want me to do that." Equally quietly I said, "Yeah."

"I don't wanna."

"Okay." Yeah, she still looked at me like she expected the other shoe to drop. So weird, being the one who controlled the shoes, knowing that if she didn't make this a constant source of arguments, I'd give her as long as she needed. Which, given how Dan she looked and how long Dan lived, could be a long time indeed. Dinner was kinda quiet. In the Bath later, I pulled Saffron over to me.

"Hey Kitten?"

"Yes, love?"

"How...?"

"How did you do with Isnomi? Wonderfully." I smiled, but shook my head.

"No. I didn't see you losing your shit." She nodded.

"I Translocated inside the Homestead and raised the House defenses." She sagged a little.

"That was all I could do. All I could do was hold the Wards, close my eyes, and concentrate on not losing my temper, not hurting those I loved." I pulled her to me.

"Kitten?" When she looked up, I kissed her.

"You did good. You stood up to an Elder God focused on tryna break you, and you didn't break."

"How will I bring the rest to justice if all I can do is hold myself still?" I smiled at her, kissed her forehead, and murmured, "my job, Kitten." She sighed.

"Yes. Yes, I know. I'm just..."

"Frustrated and scared?" She nodded.

"Yeah. Well. I'm kinda feeling that way my own self. About Lyssa, about Change, about, um..." She looked up at me.

"About what?"

"About being the source of all those dark impulses I have about you." She batted her eyelashes at me.

"Me in particular, or," she glanced around at where my ladies clustered around. I took a deep breath, which did not help, what with her lying on top of me.

"Yeah, all of you. I mean," I sighed. I didn't wanna say this, but I'd just been through a whole thing with Isnomi about saying things that she didn't want to say, or felt scared to say.

"Yeah, I've got impulses about each of you. Not all of them are exactly the same, but yeah." She lay her mouth next to my ear and murmured, "the one about seeing if you can get a tentacle all the way through me, is that a common one?"

"Shit, I barely thought that." She nipped my earlobe.

"But you did think it." I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, I'm sorry." She bit me harder.

"I didn't say it upset me." Before I could reply to that she whispered, "I didn't say no, either."

"See?" I muttered.

"That? How can I think I haven't Changed you to make you like the most fucked up shit I can think of?" She shook her head.

"Oh, love, my desires have always been darker than yours. You think I haven't thought about doing the same to you? If only to test the limits of your so called digestive tract?" I snored.

"Yeah, no. Still sixth."

"Right after I take your piercings. I remember." I blinked.

"Okay. Okay, yeah, I guess maybe I am not the source of your dark impulses." She shrugged.

"Philosophically, I understand there may be a difference, a meaningful one, but even there I realize there is a more important consideration."

"Whassat?"

"I like it. I'm enjoying myself. There is no part of me secretly distasteful or longing to return to being... Less." When I furrowed my brow, she shrugged again.

"I was a single mother with middling prospects, and then only if I managed to complete my course of study at the Academy. I am now the most powerful woman in the world, and the Goddess who facilitated that will indulge my every fantasy."

"I mean..." Something pressed against my ass.

"You told me once," she whispered.

"If I said 'now', if I needed that, even if I only desperately wanted it, you'd say yes."

"Fuck."

"Is that an imperative, or...?" I frowned at her.

"Oh, love. You'd say yes if I asked."

"You're, uh, doing just a little bit more than asking."

"Just letting you know what I want," she whispered. Then leaned close to my ear.

"You would. Wouldn't you. Give me anything I asked for?" I closed my eyes.

"Yeah." She kissed my neck, then murmured.

"Which is why I will not ask. You've set your boundary, and your path, and I will not try to force that." Of course I couldn't let that lie.

"And if I tell you yes? To that?" That pressure, which had receded, got a little more insistent.

"Are you?" I shook my head, and she smirked at me.

"Didn't think so. But yes, I want that."

"Why?" She shrugged.

"Novelty. Complete unrestricted Consent. Your ass is the envy of masterpiece statuary. Take your pick." I snorted, and she leaned in next to my ear.

"Just like, after your piercings can no longer accurately be described as virginal, I will take that magnificent ass." I grabbed at hers.

"Not as nice as yours."

"Agree to disag..." I kissed her, and we spent the rest of the soak doing that, until the girls, who'd been talking quietly, declared us all 'silly'. In the morning, Saffron looked at me and said, "I think Daya would like to talk to you today." I nodded, then shot her a look and chuckled.

"Are you gonna just cycle me through everybody in the family now?" She smiled back.

"So perceptive. And your Clergy, and perhaps others who have been important enough to you that you might think of them as 'Changed' by you in some negative fashion." My mouth worked, but nothing came out until I blinked and said, "really?" She nodded.

"You... You think that will help?" She nodded.

"As does Siobhan, and Doctor Glass, and your father." I took a deep breath.

"Okay then. I'm trying to do better. Be better. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to live at the bottom of the ocean in M-Space."

"Is that where you were?" I nodded.

"Well, that explains why Sister couldn't find you." She kissed me, then said, "you know what you might do?"

"What?"

"If you are so concerned with the Changes you might cause in people, ask them." I opened my mouth to reply, then just sat there chewing on that until she said, "everyone Changes everyone they come in contact with, love. You just have far more impact than most. So it behooves you to be more careful, more deliberate." Something that felt almost like a natural smile slipped onto my face.

"Yeah. I think I can do that." A few minutes later I found myself outside Daya's door, waiting after knocking. It opened a crack, then slid open far enough for me to see Daya's whole face.

"Hello Mama."

"May I come in?" She started to open the door, then asked, "is Isnomi with you?" At my head shake, she opened the door, tugged me in, then closed it again.

"I'm still mad at her." I sighed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I get that. Anything I can do to help?" She frowned up at me. I flopped down into a tailor seat, surprising myself a little when I realized she could mostly look me in the eye.

"So you're gonna bribe me or something?" I shook my head.

"I mean, if I gotta bribe you guys for domestic tranquility, I think I've messed up somehow, but if I gotta do that to get you two back to where you were before, I would. But I'd rather not."

"Then why did you ask?" I shrugged.

"Maybe some of what's wrong isn't really between the two of you?" She pouted a little, but brought out what looked like a few bits of her jewelry kit and a few bits of a nail care kit. She reached, and I gave her one of my hands.

"Maybe." As she started working on my fingernails, I said, "do you want me to take a guess?" She shrugged.

"Sure."

"I think you were scared about being helpless. That turned into mad about being helpless." She didn't stop working, but said, "you're never helpless."

"Yeah, well. Maybe, maybe not, but I don't feel completely helpless when it comes to violent confrontation. But when it comes to talking, you're not helpless yourself." She frowned.

"Doesn't matter, though." I waited, and after a bit she said, "violent people can just not listen."

"Yeah. Yeah, that does suck." Then I had an idea.

"Would being able to protect yourself make you feel better?" She made a face.

"I don't want to train like Alex and Ria." After a bit of work on my thumb, she apparently decided it was trimmed and buffed enough, then moved on to my pointer finger.

"I don't want to train like Maze or Lindsey, either."

"So what do you want to do?" She looked at me, then down at what she was doing, then back at me.

"Okay, yeah, stupid question, you wanna bedazzle the world." When she looked the question at me, I explained, "you wanna make it pretty. Sparkly." She thought about that a second, then nodded.

"Okay, but I can give you a couple things that don't take a bunch of training."

"Like a magic hammer or something?" I smiled.

"Or something. Along with being Mama, I'm also a Goddess, y'know."

"So?" Yeah, I chuckled a little at her response to that.

"So I can give people Boons."

"But I'm not a Priestess."

"Yeah, well. You don't have to be." She thought about it the whole time she worked on my right hand. Eventually she said, "okay." I flexed that part of me that gave out Boons. I wasn't really copacetic about weaponizing my sparkliest daughter just yet, so I stuck with defenses. A Filtration Ward. A Mana Ward. A Divine Ward. I explained to her how to use each one. I also pointed out that the Filtration Ward wasn't dynamic, that it would keep out everything except air.

I also showed her how to make it bigger and smaller, in case she needed to protect someone else. Because despite everything else, I realized as we talked, and she first cleaned up, then painted, then bedazzled the fuck out of my fingernails, that she was my sparkliest daughter. Which meant she was my daughter. I couldn't see any of my daughters, even the sparkliest one, being entirely copacetic with leaving someone else they cared about in danger.