Chương 78: Junior Guardians

Pierre had left minutes before. He'd muttered something about 'training' before leaving. Fortunately, he'd taken Shelly with him. With that ticking timebomb delayed, I was ready to enjoy my well-earned rest time. Then Gaia decided she wasn't done laughing at me. A sapling near the tree line moved. It actually uprooted itself. Then it opened its eyes and I could finally see a face. After that, it waddled forward. A raccoon dragging a branch trailed behind it who was almost as small as myself.

Damn, but that's good camouflage, I admitted. It was obviously related to the dryads and actually reminded me of the ents from Lord of the Rings. Either that or…

"I am Groot." Dammit! No! Just no! Before I could complain more, the tree-person continued, "Um. I mean… I am Groot? Wait, no, that sounded wrong. Hi! My name is Groot! No, that's not right either. Bambi said I'm supposed to only say 'I am Groot' because that's what the cool one does, and I'm trying really hard but it's difficult when I get excited and, oh no, I did it again!"

The baby raccoon dropped his stick with a clatter and then scrambled up the steps before planting himself directly in front of me like he was reporting for inspection. He puffed out his chest as far as a kit that size could manage.

"And I'm Rocket!" he squeaked.

"Bambi said I could pick any name I wanted when she brought me back, and Rocket sounds badass. Also, I want a gun, a big one with lasers." Rocket then stared at me as if I was Mort and would be able to pull a rifle out of my ass. I just stared at the raccoon while wondering what I had done to make Bambi mad. They stared back, Groot gave off an air of innocence. Rocket, though, sent a shiver down my spine. Kits his age should definitely not be using words such as badass and wanting to shoot things with lasers.

All I could think was, What the fudge is wrong with you? Fortunately, I managed to keep that thought to myself. I set my coffee down very carefully. I just thanked my lucky stars that Tala had left earlier. I couldn't even imagine what type of response she'd have had to their arrival.

"You two came from the church?" I was proud of myself for managing to ask the question without any frustration or annoyance in my voice.

"Well, Rocket is. Everyone there was talking about Guardians of the Galaxy because Alvin said it's your favorite movie."

"It is not my favorite movie," I muttered through clenched teeth.

"... so we decided we're gonna be Groot and Rocket! But I keep forgetting I'm only supposed to say three words." Groot's leaves drooped in embarrassment.

"I'm not very good at it yet. I practiced for like forever but then I forget or get distracted and, oh no, I'm doing it again!" Rocket nodded so hard his whole body wobbled.

"I'm already really good at being Rocket. Watch this." He snatched up his stick, pointed it at a lawn chair and made what he clearly believed were authentic blaster noises.

"Pew pew! Ka-blam! Eat plasma, chair scum!" The lawn chair continued to exist, unbothered. I closed my eyes for a long second. After a moment, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

"We're here to help," Groot insisted.

"You need a team. Guardians protect planets. Lifna is a planet. So we protect Lifna. That's the rules. Bambi said so. Well, she said you protect everyone, and planets are part of everyone, so its the same thing!" Rocket puffed out his tiny chest again.

"Also I want to blow stuff up, for science and justice." I pinched the bridge of my snout so hard I nearly drew blood. Maybe I can pawn them off on Pierre, I thought before quickly quashing that idea.

"Okay," I said slowly, forcing calm into my voice.

"First, nobody's blowing anything up. Second, you're both very young. Third, there is no galaxy-saving mission right now. I'm mostly trying to keep my cabin from falling down and stop Mort from feeding my furniture to a baby planet." Groot's leaves drooped until they were practically touching the ground.

"So we can't be Guardians?" Rocket's ears flattened. His lower lip wobbled dangerously.

"But I practiced my dramatic one-liner…

'I'm Rocket, and I'm gonna blow your face off!'" He demonstrated. It was less intimidating than a kitten hissing. I looked at the two of them. One of them was a walking sapling who couldn't hold a character for ten seconds. The other was a raccoon kit clutching a stick like it was Excalibur. Even though I knew I'd regret it, I felt my resolve crumbling.

"Fine," I said, defeated.

"You can be junior auxiliary backup trainee Guardians with provisional status. No explosions, no unauthorized tree-walking, and if Mort tries to get either of you to help feed Lifna, you run and tell me immediately. Deal?" Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. Rocket perked up instantly.

"Does provisional status come with a gun?"

"No," I said firmly. Just the thought sent a chill down my spine.

"Provisional gun?"

"Still no," I said. There was no way I was going to let myself get steamrolled by a juvenile raccoon and a walking shrub. Groot raised one twiggy hand like she was in school.

"Can I still only say 'I am Groot' sometimes? For practice? I really want to get good at it. Alvin said the cool Groot barely talks at all."

"You can say whatever you want, kid," I told her.

"Just maybe warn me before you start roleplaying in the middle of a crisis." They both beamed like I'd just handed them the keys to the universe. Rocket immediately turned to Groot.

"Okay, say it! Do the voice! The deep one!" Groot straightened and declared, "I… am… Groot." Then she immediately burst into giggles and ruined the entire effect.

"Sorry! I forgot the dramatic pause! And my voice cracked again!" Rocket facepalmed with both tiny paws.

"We're gonna need so much practice." Great, I'm running an interspecies daycare center for delusional baby superheroes. Within minutes, I was already regretting my decision. Rocket somehow found a cordless drill and was standing on an overturned bucket, waving it like a sword.

"Behold!" he announced.

"The Mark I Plasma Cannon Prototype!"

"Where did you get that?" I asked, voice flat.

"I found it. It was just sitting on the workbench. Nobody was using it. That's basically abandoned property." God, he's a miniature version of Mort, I thought. From across the yard, Derek's voice boomed without him even looking up from his measuring tape: "If that drill leaves my sight again, I'm billing you triple overtime, Abe." Rocket looked betrayed.

"But I was building something!"

"Not any more," Derek said matter-of-factly.

"You don't know what you're doing and are going to get hurt."

"I know stuff. I know drills go vrrrrr and things get holes in them. That's like, eighty percent of engineering," Rocket said righteously. Derek confiscated the drill and gave me a look that conveyed profound suffering. Feeling compelled to do something, I turned to Rocket and said, "No power tools. Ever." Rocket opened his mouth to object, clearly disappointed.

"Or at least not until someone teaches you how to use them," I amended. His ears drooped, but only for a moment.

"What about unpowered tools? Like a really sharp stick?"

"You already have a really sharp stick," I said, realizing that he really was a miniature version of Mort. He was stealing stuff and even had a pointy stick.

"Oh yeah." He perked up. Then he turned to Derek, "So, are you going to teach me how to use them Quill?" Derek just looked at Rocket before looking at Groot. Then Derek finally muttered something like, "When you get older," before retreating with the drill. The second disaster happened less than an hour later, which I considered an improvement. Groot had mentioned something about wanting to grow some plants. I'd told her that was fine. I obviously should have asked more questions.

Stupidly, I'd assumed she'd plant flowers like any young girl would want to plant. Instead, Groot had decided the property needed "defensive fortification." Being some type of tree nymph species, her idea of fortification involved growing things. By the time I smelled the problem, half the yard was blocked off by an eight-foot wall of briars. They were as thick as my arm and had thorns that could puncture a tire. The wall completely enclosed Derek's tool trailer. Derek stood in front of it, hands on his hips.

"Abe," he said with dangerous calm, "your shrub kidnapped my table saw." Groot peeked around the edge of her own creation, leaves quivering.

"I was trying to make a defensive perimeter! Like in the stories! You know, the part where the heroes build a wall so the bad guys can't get in?"

"This is my work site," Derek said.

"I need to get in."

"Oh." Her leaves drooped all the way to the ground.

"I didn't think of that part." Rocket, who had been watching from a safe distance, offered.

"We could add a gate. Like a really cool secret gate. With a password!" Derek looked at me. I looked at Groot. She concentrated. The briars shivered, then slowly pulled back, leaving angry red scratches across the trailer's paint. Derek inspected the damage.

"That's gonna be extra."

"I know," I muttered. Groot's leaves curled inward. She was trembling.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to help. I can do things. I can grow things and make them strong, but I keep doing it wrong." There was real pain in her voice, not the theatrical kind Rocket favored. I crouched down to her level.

"Hey. The thorns were actually impressive. Seriously, they're thick, well-placed, and cover a lot of area. The problem isn't your ability. It's your aim. You need to learn where to put the wall, not just how to grow one." Her leaves rustled uncertainly.

"Really? They were good thorns?"

"Best thorns I've seen from a kid your age," I said, which was technically true.

"We just need to work on the 'don't trap the construction crew' part." She brightened.

"I can learn that. I'm a really good learner. When I'm not distracted by butterflies."

"I believe you." Rocket patted her trunk.

"See? We're getting better. First mission, only minor property damage. That's basically an A-minus." I stood up and looked at the two of them. That was when I realized something. They weren't playing, not really. They were trying with everything they had. Sighing, I took the next hour walking them around the perimeter of the house while Groot grew the fortifications. The entire time, Rocket kept asking me when he would be old enough to use power tools.

At my wits' end, I sent Rocket to get some food just to shut him up. Unfortunately, he returned with one of my old paintball guns. How he found it, I had no clue. For the next hour, he broke me down. By then, I was willing to give him anything as long as he shut up. Of course, I did extract seventeen separate promises about safety before letting them do whatever they wanted to do. I knew they wouldn't remember, but by then, I didn't care. I'd deal with whatever happened later.

For now, I just needed some peace and quiet.