Chương 44: Mother Squirrel's Revenge

Tala That coward. That absolute, spineless, furry little coward. He turned invisible and ran away from his own church followers without taking any responsibility for the divine chaos he'd created. I took a deep breath. Then I took another. I seriously considered finding a tree to headbutt but decided against it since I was supposed to be a dignified 'Voice of Reason' now. You are SO dead when I find you, I sent telepathically, knowing he could hear me even if he didn't respond.

The bond between us pulsed with what felt suspiciously like nervous laughter. He knows exactly how much trouble he's in, I thought. Unfortunately, I had a more immediate problem. Bambi was staring at me expectantly with dozens of animals waiting for divine guidance that I absolutely was not qualified to give.

"Mother Squirrel?" Bambi said. Her voice was gentle and curious.

"Is everything alright?" I blinked.

"I'm sorry, what did you just call me?"

"Mother Squirrel," Bambi repeated, as if this was completely normal.

"Father Raccoon is your companion, which means you're bound together, yes? Like mates? So that would make you Mother Squirrel and he's Father Raccoon." I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again. Abe had just handed me the perfect revenge opportunity and he didn't even know it.

"Yes," I said, keeping my voice serious despite everything.

"Yes, that's exactly right. We are bound together as mates." Bambi's eyes lit up.

"I knew it! The way you two interact, the bond between you. It's beautiful. A god and his divine consort, walking the path together." Divine consort. Sure, I can accept that. First though…

"It wasn't always easy," I said.

"Father Raccoon had to prove himself worthy first."

"Really?" Bambi leaned forward. Behind her, several of the other animals crept closer to listen.

"How did he court you?" I hadn't thought this far ahead, so I improvised.

"Well, it began when he first arrived in this forest. He was lost, confused, newly reincarnated, and unsure of his purpose. But even then, I could see the divine spark within him."

"What did he do?" asked a voice from the crowd.

"First, he had to prove he could provide for me," I said.

"He brought many offerings, the finest treasures he could find." The fact that these treasures had been food he'd already stockpiled in his own house was irrelevant.

"Then he had to demonstrate his wisdom," I continued.

"He taught me about the ways of survival, preparation, and resilience." Basically he'd lectured me endlessly about prepping while I tried to nap.

"And finally," I said, letting my voice drop, "he had to pledge his devotion. He asked me to be his companion, to walk beside him through whatever chaos the world would bring." That part was sort of true, just not in so many words. But these animals didn't need to know that. Bambi had actual tears in her eyes.

"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard."

"It really is," said a small voice near my feet. Mort had regained consciousness and was staring up at me with the same worshipful expression.

"You and Grandfather Raccoon are relationship goals. Grandmother Tala, you must be so…" I looked down at him very slowly.

"What did you just call me?" Mort's eyes went wide.

"I just thought... if Bambi is sort of like your daughter, then I would be more like your... grand... son…" I fixed him with my best death glare.

"Or not!" Mort squeaked.

"Definitely not! I'm just a humble opossum who speaks out of turn and I'm very sorry and…" Thunk. He fainted again, releasing that unfortunate smell. This novel's true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. I looked at Bambi who was trying very hard not to laugh.

"Perhaps just Sister Tala for Mort," she suggested.

"Perhaps," I agreed. Then I added, "Though you may call me Mother Squirrel if you wish, Bambi." Her whole face lit up.

"Really? Oh, thank you, Mother Squirrel! I promise I'll make you proud. I'll honor both you and Father Raccoon with everything I do." I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Actually, that story I just told you, about how Father Raccoon courted me? I think it would make an excellent sermon. A teaching about devotion, about proving one's worth, about the bonds that tie us together." Bambi's ears perked up.

"That's a wonderful idea! I could talk about how even the mightiest must sometimes humble themselves and how proving your worth to others shows strength, not weakness." She paused, thinking.

"Oh! And I could connect it to the sacred bond between companions, like how Father Raccoon showed that true power comes from partnership!" I nodded, already imagining Abe's face when he heard this particular sermon.

"Exactly. You have a gift for this, Bambi." She practically glowed.

"Thank you, Mother Squirrel. I'll begin composing it right away. Perhaps I should also establish some rituals to honor your bond? A ceremony for when companions choose each other?"

"That sounds lovely," I said. We talked for a while longer while stepping around Mort's unconscious form. The irritating thing was that Bambi was genuinely hard to dislike. She wasn't just blindly worshipping. She was building something real that could actually help these animals. Although it was based on a series of misunderstandings and Abe's television habits, the core message was there. She meant every word of it, which made the whole thing worse.

"What about other teachings?" I asked.

"Maybe there are some things Father Raccoon does that his followers should emulate?" Bambi thought for a moment.

"Well, he purifies his food before eating. I've seen him do it. He washes things in water and he's very thorough about it." The handwashing. Of course. Abe was a neat freak, which was one reason why I enjoyed messing up his cabin. I did feel a little sorry for Shelly since she'd have to clean it up, but she'd take it out on Abe, so that was fine.

"Yes," I said.

"The sacred cleansing. Father Raccoon believes strongly in purifying his food before eating. It shows respect for the gift and removes any corruption."

"That's beautiful," Bambi breathed.

"I'll teach it as the Ritual of Purification." Abe is going to hate this.

"And music," I added, remembering how he sang off-key.

"Father Raccoon believes in the power of song. Perhaps the followers could compose hymns?"

"Oh, yes!" Bambi was practically bouncing.

"We could have different songs for different occasions. Songs of thanks, songs of remembrance, songs celebrating the teachings."

"And offerings," I said casually.

"He should probably receive offerings as well."

"What kind of offerings?" Bambi asked.

"Fruits and berries," I said.

"Especially the ripest ones. The ones that have been sitting in the sun for a while." Bambi nodded, completely missing it.

"Of course! The sweetest fruits for Mother Squirrel. Every follower will bring their finest to honor him."

"Not every day," I said.

"Special occasions. Like today." If they brought fermented fruits as sacred offerings, Abe would absolutely eat them rather than waste perfectly good food. Hopefully he wouldn't realize what I had in mind. Hopefully, we'd see how the Great Trash Panda handled being drunk in front of his entire congregation.

"You're very wise, Mother Squirrel," Bambi said.

"I can see why Father Raccoon chose you as his companion."

"Oh, he chose well," I said.

"He just doesn't appreciate it yet."

"Should I include that in the sermon?" Bambi asked.

"About how gods sometimes don't realize the blessings right in front of them?" I laughed despite myself.

"Yes, Bambi. You absolutely should." She beamed at me. The more she talked, the harder she was to stay annoyed at, which was a problem given what I was doing to her congregation.

"Now," I said, "tell me about the elders. And the other resurrected animals. I should know who I'm working with." Bambi launched into explanations. By the time she finished I had a clear picture. Every single one of them believed Abe was divine. And now every single one of them would believe I was his divine consort.

"Mother Squirrel?" Bambi asked.

"You have a very interesting expression."

"I'm just thinking about Father Raccoon," I said.

"And how much he's going to enjoy hearing about all these new traditions."

"Do you think he'll be pleased?" Clearly she is a daddy's girl.

"Bambi," I said, "it's going to be a lot for him to take in."

"I should get back to the congregation," she said.

"They'll want to know what's been decided."

"Tell them we're pleased with their devotion and that they should continue living by the teachings."

"I will," Bambi promised. Then, hesitantly, "Will Father Raccoon return soon?" I felt through our bond. He was somewhere nearby but staying out of sight. Hiding in a tree like the coward he was.

"He'll return when he's ready," I said.

"Father Raccoon sometimes needs time alone."

"Of course," Bambi said.

"The Great Trash Panda walks between worlds. He must need time to process the liminal spaces."

"Exactly," I said. I had no idea what she was talking about. As Bambi moved back toward the congregation I sent Abe a message through our bond. Having fun hiding, coward? Because I'm having a wonderful time. We should talk soon. Mother Squirrel has so much to tell Father Raccoon. The spike of panic I felt back was satisfying. I settled on a rock and watched Bambi address her congregation, already thinking about which idea to start with first. Mort chose that moment to wake up again.

"Grandmother Tala, what are you smiling about?" I looked down at him.

"You'll see."