Chương 46: The Long Walk Home

The walk back to the cabin was possibly the most awkward experience of both my lives. Tala walked beside me, occasionally glancing over with a smirk. Every time I caught her looking, my face heated up. Mort trailed behind us. I wasn't sure whether I appreciated him being there or not. He did serve as a buffer between me and Tala's relentless teasing. However, he also made it worse because he kept making observations that hit way too close to home.

"So," Tala said cheerfully, breaking another stretch of painful silence.

"About last night."

"We don't need to talk about last night," I interrupted quickly.

"Oh, but I think we do, husband." She drew out the word like it was a particularly delicious treat. I stumbled over a root.

"That was. I was drunk. It doesn't count."

"The divine notification says otherwise."

"Notifications can be wrong!" I knew I was fighting a losing battle but I couldn't stop myself.

"Can they though?" Tala's smile widened.

"Because I'm pretty sure 'Divine Marriage Confirmed' is fairly unambiguous." Mort made a small noise behind us. When I glanced back, he was wringing his paws together anxiously.

"Um, did something happen between you two? Besides the marriage? By the way, is anyone else getting light-headed?"

"Everything's fine," I said quickly. I didn't need him fainting on me.

"Father Raccoon declared his eternal love in front of the entire congregation but isn't ready for the next step," Tala supplied helpfully.

"Tala!" She was waiting for me to make the next move.

"What? You did. And don't worry, we can change that second part of the notification tonight. However, I expect your performance to be just as enthusiastic." She paused.

"However, I'm not sure if you'll be able to be as sweet. What you said and did was so mortifying for you. Ahh, but that just made it even better." Mort's eyes went wide.

"You told everyone how you felt? Out loud? In front of witnesses? I can't believe I missed it."

"I was drunk!" I only now remembered that Mort had fainted because everyone's excitement had sent him over the edge.

"But you still said it," Mort pointed out quietly.

"That's actually really brave." I stopped walking and stared at him.

"Brave? I made a complete fool of myself!"

'Yeah, but," Mort shuffled his feet, looking uncomfortable but determined to make his point.

"I faint when I'm scared. You run away when you're scared. We both have the same problem, just different symptoms." He looked up at me with those earnest eyes.

'At least you told everyone how you felt. That's braver than I've ever been, even if you don't remember most of it. Maybe I should get drunk." Dammit. When did Mort get wise? That was my first thought. Then he ruined it with his idea about getting drunk.

"See?" Tala said. Her voice was smug.

"Even Mort understands the significance of your declarations."

"I'm going to regret making you a god, aren't I?" I muttered to Mort.

"Probably," he admitted.

"I faint a lot and I eat ticks. And I just pulled a half-rotten apple out of my storage pouch this morning that I don't remember putting there."

"That's… something," I said.

"I know! But I can't help it. It's like my pouch just collects things. I think it might be sentient." He paused.

"Do you think divine storage pouches can develop consciousness?" Oh. My. God. Did I just turn a conspiracy whackjob into a god? I thought, horrified.

"Let's not open that particular can of worms right now," I said, rubbing my temples. The wasps in my head had calmed down to a dull roar, but they were still there, judging me. We walked in silence for a few minutes. Birds sang in the trees. A squirrel chattered at us, not Tala, thankfully. It was just a normal squirrel. The forest was peaceful. My brain was not. I kept replaying fragments of last night.

The worst of all were the declarations about Tala, especially about how she was my soulmate and all that garbage.

"You're doing it again," Tala observed.

"Doing what?" I was confused. What am I doing?

"Spiraling. I can practically hear your brain melting down."

"My brain is fine," I lied. Still, she has a point.

"You called me your wife in front of sixty-plus followers and then declared I had a fluffy tail." As if to reinforce this, walked up to me and shoved her tail in my face.

"Isn't it divine?" The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

"Well, you do have a fluffy tail!" I acknowledged. And I had to admit, squirrel tails were great. Now, if she had a rat's tail, I probably wouldn't have married her. Ahh, that's so sweet, she said back mentally. I hadn't even realized I'd sent that last comment to her telepathically. She then said, Thank you.

"I know. It's one of my best features." She flicked said tail.

"But that's not the point.

"What is the point?" I asked as I looked around for a tree to bang my head into. Then again, I probably wouldn't notice with my head already aching.

"The point," Tala said, her voice going softer, "is that drunk you said what sober you was too chicken to admit. In vino, veritas." I opened my mouth to argue. Then I closed it because she wasn't wrong.

"I…" I started, then stopped. How did I even approach this?

"Look, I was drunk but the things I said weren't entirely inaccurate." Although I hated to admit it, I'd already developed an uncomfortable amount of attachment to her. Maybe it was because of everything I had been going through or maybe because of how we clicked together, but it just felt right.

"Inaccurate," Tala repeated flatly.

"You declared your eternal love and called me your soulmate, and you're going with 'not entirely inaccurate'?"

"I'm not good with feelings, okay?!" I threw my paws up in frustration. I didn't really know what to say so I threw the first thing I could think of out, "Emotional vulnerability is not exactly my strong suit!" Mort made another small noise. When I looked at him, he seemed to be on the verge of fainting but was fighting it hard.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I just... that was a lot of honesty," Mort said, breathing carefully.

"It's making me anxious. But in a good way? I think?" He paused.

"Also, Mother Squirrel, he has a point. He's not good at feelings. But he went through a lot of effort to get drunk and embarrass himself, which shows he cares, right?"

"I didn't go through the effort to get drunk," I protested.

"Tala tricked me!"

"I provided fermented fruit," Tala corrected.

"You were the one who forgot what that does. And you chose to eat it."

"You knew I'd eat it to be polite!" I so want to wring your pretty little neck, I thought, but made sure not to send.

"Exactly." Her smile was absolutely wicked.

"I know you, Abe. That's the point. I know you'd eat the fruit because you wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings." She hopped closer, her voice going quiet.

"And I know that when you're drunk and your guard is down, you'll admit things you'd never say sober. Like the fact that you actually, genuinely care about me." My throat felt tight.

"Of course I care about you. You're my companion. My friend."

"And your wife," Tala said. Before I could process that statement, Mort cleared his throat.

"Um... can I ask a question?"

"Please do," I said, desperately grateful for the interruption.

"Ask anything." Immediately after saying it, I knew I'd made a mistake. When am I going to freaking learn?

"When are you two going to have kits?" Mort asked, totally innocently, as if he was asking about what time I was planning on eating lunch. I tripped over my own feet and fell flat on my face. Behind me, I heard Tala make a strangled choking sound.

"I mean," Mort continued, oblivious to our reactions, "you're married now, right? That's what married gods do? Have baby gods? And then there would be little trash pandas and squirrels running around?" He hesitated, as if unsure. Then he cocked his head to the side and asked, "Or would they be... squirrel-coons? Raccirrels? What would you even call them?" I lay face-down in the dirt, seriously considering just staying there forever. God, I knew I was going to regret making him a god.

"Mort," Tala said, her voice strangled, "that's not. We haven't. That's not how this works."

"Oh." Mort sounded genuinely confused.

"But I thought that when two animals become mates."

"MORT!" Tala and I shouted simultaneously.

"Did I say something wrong?" His voice went up an octave.

"I can feel myself getting light-headed."

"No!" I scrambled to my feet.

"Don't faint! We need you to be conscious! You're our buffer!" Mort's eyes were starting to glaze over. He was swaying slightly. Tala sighed and hopped over to him.

"Mort. Listen to me. Focus on my voice. You're doing fine. You asked an awkward question, but that's okay. Everyone asks awkward questions sometimes."

"Even gods?" Mort asked weakly.

"Especially gods," Tala assured him.

"Abe asks awkward questions constantly. He's just better at making them sound philosophical."

"Hey," I protested since I had no clue what she was talking about. How dare she lie about me.

"It's true and you know it," Tala said with a look that screamed 'accept it, you are'." Mort's breathing was starting to stabilize.

"Who's Abe? And... no baby gods?"

"Noyasunai is Abe and Abe is Noyasunai," Tala said. Then she looked at me with a glint in her eye and a wide smile, "As for babies. What do you say Abe? Ready for babies?" I just stared at them both in silence. My mind literally shut down. After what seemed a few moments later, I opened my eyes and saw Tala standing over me. She was shaking her head as she looked first down at me and then down at Mort, who was laying unconscious right next to me. Not exactly sure what had happened, I asked, "What happened?"

Tala sighed. Then she looked at the sky before finally back at me before answering.

"Apparently, you and Mort are similar in more than one way. You fainted at the baby question. Mort saw you faint and got so excited about having something in common with you so he fainted too. Congrats."

"Uh, thanks," I muttered, looking down at Mort as I climbed to my feet. Still, Tala didn't mention kids to me so maybe it was worth it. Mort woke up moments later. He looked happy after looking at me, but a little bashful towards Tala.

"I'm sorry for making things awkward."

"You didn't," I assured him, even though he absolutely had.

"You're fine. You're doing great. Very conscious right now. Keep up the good work." We started walking again. The cabin was getting closer and I could see it through the trees. Thank god. Sanctuary. Peace is only a few steps away. I'm safe now. I can take a breather. We emerged from the forest into the clearing where my cabin sat. Pierre's truck was parked outside. Unsurprisingly, Shelly's truck was also there.

"Oh no," I said. I had a terrible feeling that my safe oasis was about to be disturbed. I wanted to scream to the stars, 'I haven't even had time to relax yet.'

"What?" Tala asked.

"That's Pierre's truck." Since that was kind of obvious, I added, "I guess we should probably tell them about the church."

"And the marriage thing," Tala added. She was clearly enjoying herself.

"And the baby god thing," Mort said, as if Tala was ever going to let me forget.

"There are no baby gods!" I hissed. We walked to the cabin and went through the doggie door to get inside. I was dreading what I'd have to admit to so I didn't call out. I wasn't eager to get that conversation started. As for Mort, he looked like he was so excited about being in his god's holy site that he was ready to keel over. As for Tala, I could almost see plots and schemes being constructed in the back of her mind. That was when I stopped. We all heard it, muffled sounds from upstairs.

"Um," Mort said, his voice very small.

"Are they? Is that? Are they doing what I think they're doing? Do I need to leave too so you two can also? Is that what happens in this place?" He looked ready to say something else but then fainted.

"At least he waited until we were inside," Tala observed.

"Oh, this is going to be so awkward," I muttered to myself.