Chương 47: Awkward Conversations

Not long after arriving, we found ourselves sitting around, stewing in uncomfortable silence. Even the summit of supernatural beings hadn't bothered me as much as what we were about to discuss. Pierre and Shelly sat on the couch, trying very hard not to look like they'd just been caught doing whatever they'd been doing upstairs. Pierre's shirt was still buttoned wrong. I chose not to mention it. Tala was perched on the arm of my recliner, close enough that I could feel her warmth but not quite touching.

Every time I glanced at her, memories of drunk-me declaring her my soulmate kept making me want to crawl into a hole. Mort had claimed the ottoman. He was sitting straight and proper, having woken up from his fainting spell with remarkable resilience. Seeing that no one else seemed ready to talk, he decided to break the silence by immediately launching into a detailed explanation of the Church of Reincarnation for Shelly and Pierre.

No one else had wanted to interrupt so we let Mort give an exhaustive account of church doctrine, sermon schedules, the council of elders, reincarnation protocols, and the Sacred Ritual of Purification. I was almost grateful. It kind of reminded me of when I was a kid waiting to get punished, wondering just how bad it was going to be.

"... and that's when Father Raccoon demonstrated the five-rinse method," Mort was saying enthusiastically.

"It was very moving. Several animals cried."

"Over washing a berry?" Pierre asked, not looking at all uncomfortable. Instead, he just looked annoyed about being interrupted.

"It wasn't just washing, Mort said seriously.

"It was about respect. And symbolism. And washing away sins and regrets." He paused.

"I think. I might have added that last part myself. It's hard to remember exactly." Shelly was grinning widely. Apparently, Mort had successfully distracted her. In fact, she seemed like she wanted to hear even more.

"I still can't believe you started a religion by watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

"I didn't start it," I protested weakly.

"Bambi started it. I just accidentally provided source material."

"By being watched through a window while eating popcorn and talking to the TV," Tala added helpfully.

"That's actually kind of creepy when you phrase it that way," Pierre observed.

"Maybe," I said.

"But apparently very inspiring for deer goddesses." Mort nodded enthusiastically.

"Mother Bambi says that Father Raccoon's wisdom flows most freely when he doesn't know he's being observed. It's when his true divine nature shines through."

"That's a fancy way of saying 'Abe talks to himself a lot,'" Shelly said.

"I do not…" I started, then caught Tala's expression.

"Okay, maybe sometimes."

"All the time," Tala corrected.

"You have full conversations with inanimate objects."

"The toaster started it," I said, defending myself. Pierre snorted.

"What did the toaster do?"

"It burned my bagel. After I specifically told it not to." It's not my fault the toaster doesn't listen to me.

"You told the toaster not to burn your bagel," Pierre repeated slowly.

"Yes," I said, wondering where he was going with it.

"And when it did anyway, you took it personally?" Pierre looked at me like he was waiting for me to make some type of connection.

"It was very clearly an act of defiance," I said. Shelly was laughing now.

"Oh my god, Abe. You're insane."

"I'm divinely insane now," I corrected.

"There's a difference. I've developed an alternative perspective on reality." Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

"Is there really a difference, though?" Tala asked sweetly. Before I could respond, Mort cleared his throat.

"Oh! I just remembered. The last thing we were discussing on the walk here, before we arrived and I fainted from all the awkwardness, was when Father Raccoon and Mother Squirrel would have their kits." The room went silent, completely, utterly silent. Mort looked at his paw and as if counting out what he had told everyone. Then he added, as if he wasn't sure if he mentioned it or not, "I did tell you guys that they got married. Right?"

I felt my face heat up so much I was surprised my fur didn't spontaneously combust.

"Since they're married now," Mort continued, oblivious to the sudden tension, "it seems like the natural next step, right? That's what married couples do. And there's so much to consider! Would they be raccoons or squirrels? Or some kind of hybrid?"

"Mort," I said weakly.

"Maybe we should…"

"BABIES?!" Shelly's eyes went huge.

"Oh my god, Abe! You're going to have babies?!"

"No! I mean, we haven't. That's not." I wasn't even sure what I wanted to say. I was so tempted to turn invisible and sneak away.

"Wait," Pierre interrupted, his voice rising.

"Back up. Back up. You got married?"

"It was an accident." I started to defend myself, only to be poked in the gut by Tala.

"And you didn't invite me?!" Pierre looked genuinely hurt.

"Abe, I'm your friend! I should have been your best man! Who officiated? Please tell me it wasn't just the deer. Did she at least do a good ceremony or did you drunkenly stumble through vows?"

"I don't actually remember the ceremony part," I admitted.

"You don't remember your own wedding?!" Shelly asked, as if that alone was the end of the world.

"I was very drunk!" I said. And I never get drunk. I hate drinking. It makes you lose control and see what happens when you lose control?

"That's not an excuse!" Pierre threw up his hands.

"I can't believe this. I leave you alone for a few days and you start a religion and get married and don't even invite me!" There was a silence for a few moments, which was broken by Shelly's squeal, followed by, "Oh. My. Goddess." Shelly was bouncing now, actually bouncing on the couch.

"Baby gods! Abe, you're going to be a daddy! Well, again, technically, since Bambi calls you Father, but actually a biological dad! Can I be the godmother? And I need to know, seriously, would they be raccoons or squirrels or some kind of adorable hybrid like Mort said? Oh, I so want babies of my own!" Even though I was panicking, I took some comfort that Pierre was now sweating and looking even more nervous than I was.

"Mother Squirrel said they could make babies tonight," Mort added helpfully.

"MORT!" I yelled at him, forgetting about Pierre.

"What? But Mother Squirrel said…"

"Mort, I swear to me that…" I started only to stop when Tala abruptly stood up. She said, "I need water. Anyone else need water? I'm getting water." She hopped off toward the kitchen before anyone could respond. Then the room fell silent again. This time, it was a different kind of silence. Concerned silence.

"Did I say something wrong?" Mort asked quietly, his eyes starting to glaze over with pre-fainting anxiety.

"No, buddy," Pierre said gently.

"You're fine. I think we're all just processing a lot of information right now."

"Should I go check on her?" I asked, not sure if I wanted the answer to be yes or no. I wasn't even sure why I was asking.

"Give her a minute," Shelly said, her earlier enthusiasm dimmed.

"This is probably a lot for her too."

"What do you mean?" After all, Tala had been taking it great. Shelly gave me a look that suggested I was being deliberately obtuse.

"Abe. You two got accidentally married after you drunkenly declared your eternal love in front of a crowd. Now everyone's talking about babies and expectations and next steps. That's a lot. For anyone."

"But she's the one who got me drunk," I protested.

"And she said, 'yes.'""I know," Shelly interrupted. She's been making jokes and teasing you. But maybe that's because she doesn't know how to handle whatever she's actually feeling." I stared at Shelly silently, processing what she had said. Hmm, maybe she's right. Before I could figure out how to respond to that, Tala returned.

"Sorry," she said quietly.

"I just needed a moment."

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine." Her tail twitched.

"I just... there was a lot of conversation about hypothetical offspring. It's weird."

"Tell me about it," I muttered.

"I think it's exciting!" Mort said, then seemed to realize what he'd said.

"I mean, not exciting like I want it to happen right now, just exciting in theory, as a future possibility, not that I'm pressuring anyone or…" His breathing was getting faster.

"Mort, you're fine," I said firmly.

"Everyone stop talking about babies. New topic. Literally any other topic."

"Okay, okay," Shelly said, holding up her hands.

"How about we talk about something actually important. Like what you're going to do about this church thing. You can't just ignore sixty-plus animals waiting for divine guidance. And it's growing rapidly."

"Watch me," I muttered.

"Abe," Pierre said seriously.

"She's right. Whether you meant to or not, you've created something. People are counting on you. You need to…" He stopped. We all stopped. Because something had just... shifted. I could feel the threads vibrating, CHANGE. The air felt different. Heavier and charged with energy.

"Do you feel that?" Tala asked quietly. I did. It was like the moment before a thunderstorm, when the pressure changes and every hair on your body stands up. Then the notification appeared. GAIA SYSTEM ACTIVATED. Global Announcement. Mana Saturation: Sufficient for Secondary Assimilations Integration Status: Medium Mana Areas and Individuals with Medium Mana Affinity MESSAGE FROM GAIA. Prepare. After reading through the notification, I wanted to roll my eyes. Really? Prepare?

You can't give any more advice than that? Prepare for what?