Chương 74: Chaos Berries and Divine Politics

"So," Raven said, acting like he owned the place.

"Thanks for taking care of… of well, you know."

"You could have dealt with her yourself," I said, trying to keep my voice steady despite how pissed I was seeing Raven in my body. It had been one thing when he was far away on a video. It hit me much differently when he was standing right before me.

"Could have, sure." He examined my fingernails, my old fingernails, with mild interest.

"But why would I? You were here. You had the motivation and the resources. It made sense to let you handle it."

"You used me," I said simply.

"I arranged circumstances favorably to my own desires," Raven corrected.

"There's a difference. Trickster 101, let other people do the work while you claim the credit." He then pulled some chaos berries out of his jacket pocket.

"Want one?" Although I did want them, I wasn't about to accept anything from him again. I opened my mouth to tell him where he could shove the berries when he flicked one directly into my mouth with perfect accuracy. The berry exploded on my tongue with flavors that absolutely should not exist in any sane reality. Sweet and sour and spicy and umami all at once. Chocolate and strawberries and something that tasted like the color purple. Reality tilted slightly as the edges of my vision went soft for a second.

"Stop that you…" I started to curse him. However, this was stopped by another berry.

"Good boy," Raven said, exactly like someone praising a dog for performing a trick correctly. I'm going to kill him, I thought, stubbornly not opening my mouth to say anything. As soon as I figure out how to kill a god who's stolen my body, I added. Part of me was even okay with losing my old body as long as he couldn't use it any longer.

"Anyway," Raven continued, casually moving closer and hugging me. I did notice a little annoyance in his eyes when he grabbed me though. I tried squirming away, but that didn't work. Then I tried Mask of Many Paws to shapeshift. However, I suddenly found myself completely powerless as he pried open my mouth and tossed another Chaos Berry down my throat.

"Congratulations are in order," Raven said, as if we were talking about the time of day.

"You passed. You've proven yourself."

"What?" I managed to say through gritted teeth, carefully keeping my mouth closed as soon as he let go.

"The test, obviously. The trial. The evaluation period. The probationary apprenticeship," Raven said while waving his arms in the air.

"We've been watching you, Little Raccoon. We saw how you handled yourself." He grinned with my face.

"What are you talking about? I didn't sign up for any…" I started to object, completely forgetting to keep my mouth shut since I was so annoyed. That was when another berry hit my throat. While I was choking, Raven continued.

"The council voted. Me, Azeban, Coyote, Anansi, well, Grandmother Spider as his proxy since Anansi's busy with other projects at the moment and a few others whose names you wouldn't recognize yet. We took a vote on who should be appointed as the new main trickster god." I stared at him. He stared back, waiting expectantly, another berry ready. However, I was still trying to not be overwhelmed by the threads that were shouting at me, CHANGE.

The Web of Wisdom was shaking violently still, but I managed to finally ask, "And?" God, I hate tricksters.

"And you won. Congratulations!" He held up the berry like he was about to throw.

"Go ahead. Object. I can see it building in your face. Open your mouth and tell me all the reasons this is insane." I kept my mouth firmly shut, too confused and suspicious to even form coherent objections. Raven waited, the berry poised for the perfect throw. I remained silent, my brain completely failing to process what he'd just said. Main trickster god. Me. Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

"Nothing? Really? No objections at all?" Raven looked genuinely disappointed.

"Not even a 'but I'm not qualified' or 'this must be a mistake' or 'I'm just a raccoon'?" I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't falling for it.

"Huh. Smarter than you look." He shrugged, then casually reached over and forced my jaw open again before dropping another handful of berries into my mouth. Fucking Raven, I thought. Then I looked around for anyone that might be able to stop this animal abuse. However, all of my friends were standing completely still, as if frozen in time. Suddenly, I felt a lot of sympathy for all the animals that went through Luke's business.

I felt like a child whose parents were forcing him to take medicine, no matter how much he protested.

"There. That's better. We can't have a conversation without proper snacks," Raven said with an obnoxiously condescending voice pet owners got when they were praising their furry baby for not peeing on the floor. I could easily imagine what he was thinking, You're such a good boy. And good boys who do tricks get a reward. Yes they do. Aren't you such a cutie? I wanted to gag, although I wasn't sure whether it was because of how sickeningly sweet Raven made my old voice sound or the taste of the berries.

Colors suddenly had sounds. As for sounds, I could almost touch them. Time moved in three directions at once. When the world finally stabilized again, Raven was watching me with obvious amusement.

"Main trickster god," I repeated slowly.

"You know that's completely insane."

"Maybe a little bit, yeah. But that's never stopped us before," Raven said. Raven had stopped time just like Gaia had. He effortlessly manhandled me. I couldn't do anything to stop him. Now he was saying that I was the new main trickster god. Yeah, right. He's setting me up for the fall again. Instead of saying the obvious, I asked what I was really thinking,"How in the hell am I qualified to be your boss?"

"You're not. You're very weak compared to actual established gods. It's honestly kind of pathetic." Raven didn't even try to hide how he really felt. Actually, I might have preferred him to be a bit less brutal with that particular piece of honesty.

"So how can I possibly be the main trickster god?!" I felt like I was about to become some sacrificial goat. Damn you, I cursed Raven. I so wanted to strangle him until that smug look was erased from my old face. I'd never hated the sight of my face more than at that moment.

"Because we decided you are," Raven said simply, like that explained everything.

"Why?" I demanded.

"Why me? There have to be…" That was when he shoved more berries in my mouth while I was talking.

"Stop asking logical questions," Raven said pleasantly.

"It's annoying and I don't feel like answering them. Besides, the answers wouldn't satisfy you anyway." I swallowed the berries and suddenly felt that reality had become more negotiable than before. The porch was breathing. The air had opinions about my life choices.

"We had our reasons," Raven interrupted, waving my hand vaguely.

"Good reasons. Excellent reasons. Secret reasons you'll understand eventually. Or maybe never. Does it really matter?"

"Yes! And give me back my body!" I was so angry that the world almost went back to normal.

"Well, too bad. The vote's done. You're in charge now whether you like it or not. Congratulations. Try not to die immediately. It would make us look bad."

"This is completely insane," I protested, stomping my foot.

"And what about my body?" He looked at me as if deciding whether he was done playing with his stuffed animal. After a moment, he set me down carefully, brushing off my fur like I was a pet he'd been grooming.

"We'll see. Maybe after you deal with the sore losers," Raven waved away my question.

"Why not right now? And what sore losers?" I felt like a little child demanding answers from a parent, such as asking why I had to eat the cucumbers.

"Complicated divine reasons you wouldn't understand," Raven said. Then he smiled. Fuck me, I thought, suddenly feeling like I'd been gut-punched. God, I need to pee.

"As for the sore losers, well, there are several of them. Loki will probably be the first to show up." Raven then inspected his nails, as if he hadn't just dropped a bomb on me. I blinked.

"What?!" Now the threads were screaming, DANGER. Part of me wanted to grab those threads and just start yanking at them and tying them into a knot and shoving them up Raven's ass. However, that wasn't something I could do, yet.

"You know, Loki, the Norse trickster god. Apparently, he was quite surprised by the appointment. Oh, and Eris too. Wisakedjak the Clever Crane might even decide to show up. Who knows?" Raven examined my fingernails again.

"If I give you back your body now and Loki or Eris shows up and kills you, then you lose the body again. Anyway, I still have things to do. Oh, by the way, I deposited some money in our account. Don't waste it. I won't be giving you any more allowance." I growled, I actually growled. I couldn't help it. Raven raised an eyebrow and muttered, "Shut up," before quickly shoving more chaos berries into my mouth. Then, while I was gagging, he started to walk away.

"By the way, Happy Halloween." However, at that particular moment, I wasn't able to stop him. I could feel the mana surging throughout my body. I didn't even need to look at the notifications that had appeared to know that.

"I. Hate. You. Raven!" I managed through gritted teeth before passing out.