Chương 23: Cosmic Insignificance

I sat there processing everything. Now I understood why she'd been watching me.

"So you watch other tricksters and try to stop another Anansi."

"I try to help them grow. Coyote's crazy, but his heart's right. Azeban is too weak to worry about. As for Raven," she just shook her head as if she didn't know what to do about him.

"And Nanabozho spends so much time cleaning up after the others, he barely has time for his own mischief anymore." So I probably would have been fine until Coyote put his paw in the mix, I thought. At least Raven is staying out of it. For now.

"Now there's you," she continued.

"You're at a crossroads. Your power is growing. You've already started to unlock your abilities, as with the blessings you gave. In the future, communities might look to you for leadership. You'll make choices that decide what you become. What kind of world will you help make?" She leaned forward.

"I've watched you. You solve problems with wisdom, not flash. You share knowledge without wanting payment. Some take on burdens too heavy to bear alone, but you ask for help when you need it. Because of this, I am willing to give you my blessing." My eyebrows raised at that. A blessing? Will I be able to regain my human form? I doubt I'll be so lucky, though. There was always some fine print.

"A blessing. And a warning," Grandmother said. There it is. I had to resist the impulse to jump up and down and point. I knew it. The air started shimmering silver. She moved forward, one of her claws glowing with power. I almost peed myself again, even though I knew she was trying to help me. She was just that intimidating. She put her claw on my head. Warmth flowed through me. I had to look down just to make sure it wasn't piss. For a second I could feel a huge network spreading out.

Not physical threads, but connections across the whole supernatural world. Information flowed like internet data. Relationships and consequences were all mapped out in silver. I could see how one decision rippled into dozens of others. A single word spoken in one place created effects halfway across the country. It was overwhelming. But it was also beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Almost as quickly as it came, the feeling faded away, immediately followed by a notification. WEB OF WISDOM GRANTED.

Grandmother Spider has given you her blessing. Grandmother Spider's wisdom will whisper in your ear. You will be able to sense the threads of fate, determining which decisions will lead to harmony and which will lead to chaos. MESSAGE FROM GAIA. Now you have voices in your head.

"Now the warning," she said.

"Use your powers for good, I'll keep the other gods from messing with you. My protection lasts as long as you help others and solve problems with wisdom, not force." I was tempted to ask her about all the Gaia messages I was getting. This one had been truly patronizing. It felt like Gaia was screwing with me on purpose. However, I somehow doubted it was the best time to ask her a question. Maybe that 'Grandmother's Wisdom' was already whispering in my head, I thought with a smirk.

The smirk was purely mental, though. Her eyes went hard.

"But if you start causing harm or using gifts for personal gain..." She let that hang.

"I'll be back. And I won't be offering guidance." Translation: Don't be a dick or I'll become spider food.

"Got it," I said. And I did. She wasn't trying to control me. She was offering to run interference with other gods as long as I didn't turn into a selfish asshole.

"Good." She started fading back into the shadows.

"By the way, my protection doesn't cover everyone. Some don't listen to me. Others actively fight my influence." Of course they do, I thought. Still, something was better than nothing.

"Will I see you again?" She paused.

"We'll meet again, eventually. One way or another." Ominous. But I guess that's standard for gods. Be enigmatic and threaten to smite your enemies. Then she was gone. Not only was she gone, but so was my restlessness. For some reason, I had no desire to explore the woods any longer. Surprise! Who would have thought nearly getting eaten by a giant spider would cure the zoomies? The encounter had definitely drained my need to explore.

Instead, I suddenly wanted to get back to familiar ground and figure out what the hell had just happened. I had a lot to think about. Sighing, I started walking back to the cabin, my head spinning. So now I'm under the wing of a spider goddess who's threatening to turn me into a snack if she doesn't like what I do. Nice, I thought. I was a little disappointed to find out how little power Azeban actually had.

Although I'd searched up all the information I could find on him over the last few days, the internet wasn't always a bastion of truth and reliability. Since I'd gained the ability to shapeshift, I'd actually begun to think I was hot stuff. If a real goddess considered Azeban barely worth noticing, what was I? Apparently, nothing, if not for Coyote's intervention. That thought stung more than I wanted to admit. I paused by a stream to get my bearings and decided to test my new ability, the Web of Wisdom.

It sounds impressive, but what does it actually do? I focused on the water. Nothing special. It was just water being water. Then I thought about drinking from it. Immediately, a faint sense of... rightness washed over me. SAFE. Okay, that's useful, I thought. I turned my attention to the dark woods behind me. The sensation shifted. Not dangerous exactly, but unpredictable. WILD. Like a storm that might be beautiful or might destroy everything. Chaos, but not necessarily bad chaos.

The Web is working, I stood there quietly, amazed. I could actually sense this stuff. Although I wasn't sure how it would be useful, I wasn't about to turn away more power. I tested it on a few more things. A nearby oak tree, HARMONY. A dead log covered in mushrooms, NEUTRAL, part of the cycle apparently. The distant howl of what might have been a coyote, CHAOS with a hint of something else. Purpose, maybe? This is going to take some getting used to, I realized. I kept walking, still testing my new sense.

It was like having a sixth sense. Either that, or a really judgmental inner voice that whispered warnings about everything. If I took the left path, SAFE. That way would lead me home. If I took the right path, DANGER. Wait, what the fuck? Danger already? I looked around. I wasn't sure whether I was looking for someone who I could complain to or the danger itself. My new instinct was screaming at me to go left. Of course, I had to look to the right. That's when I saw the raven.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. He was sitting on a branch right in my path, big and black and staring at me with eyes that made my new wisdom start shrieking warnings like a car alarm. Raven. Fucking Raven. I stopped and closed my eyes.

"Come on, universe. Can't a guy catch a break?" Opening my eyes, I turned toward the nearest tree and began to thump my head against the bark. Not hard, but enough for it to sting. I wasn't sure why, but it just felt necessary. Because my night wasn't weird enough, I thought. The raven tilted his head and let out a sound that wasn't quite a caw or a croak. A staccato 'hrnk-hrnk-hrrrnk!' rolled from his beak, choppy and throaty, like rocks skipping across a frozen lake. It shouldn't have sounded like laughter.

But it did. The sound almost made me poop right then and there. I couldn't help myself and turned to glare at him. Perfect. The one being even Grandmother Spider side-eyes. If she's got no clue what to do with him, then what the hell am I supposed to do? At that point, I was convinced the gods were using me for divine entertainment. TricksterTube, Season One: "The Cringe Chronicles of a Chaos Raccoon." Fine. Let's see what this Web of Wisdom says about you, bird brain, I thought.

I focused on Raven, trying to sense whether he was harmony or chaos. That turned out to be a BIG mistake. It was like sticking my brain into a blender. The Web didn't just sense chaos. It screamed it. But not simple chaos. This was chaos layered on top of chaos, spiraling in every direction at once. Harmony and discord weren't opposites with Raven. They were the same thing. He WAS the storm. He WAS creation and destruction happening simultaneously. My head throbbed.

I had to shut the sense off before it overloaded completely.

"Grandmother's little gift won't work on me, kit," Raven said, his voice sounding directly in my head. I almost fell over. He can talk. Of course he can talk. Why wouldn't the cosmic horror bird be able to talk? I can also read your… addled mind, Raven thought at me. Still, there was an undercut of amusement in his words. Then he said outloud, "I'm older than her weaving," he continued as he hopped closer on the branch.

"I'm older than most things. Her wisdom is... quaint."

"Quaint," I repeated weakly.

"Right. That's definitely the word I'd use for an ancient spider goddess.' He made that laughing sound again.

"You're interesting. Coyote thinks so too. That's why we're all watching."

"Lucky me," I muttered. My tail was doing that nervous twitch thing again.

"Oh, very lucky." His eyes glinted with something that might have been amusement or might have been hunger. I couldn't tell.

"Most tricksters don't get this much attention until after they've done something spectacularly stupid."

"Give me time," I muttered. I knew it would just be a matter of time.

"I'm sure it will be any day now." He tilted his head the other way, studying me like I was a puzzle he was deciding whether to solve or break.

"By the way, I borrowed something of yours. Don't worry. I'm taking good care of it." My blood went cold.

"Borrowed?"

"That body you left lying around. Wasteful, really. So I put it to use. Someone needed to warn people about what's coming." His beak clicked in what might have been satisfaction.

"The humans are quite concerned now. You should see the YouTube comments." My body. He has my fucking body. That's why I saw myself on that video. Raven was wearing me like a goddamn costume. Still, I controlled my anger and managed to politely ask, "You... you're puppeting my corpse?"

"Puppeting is such an ugly word. I prefer 'repurposing.' Besides, you weren't using it anymore."

"That's…, " I started, but he cut me off.

"Necessary. The mana tide is bringing changes. Big ones. Someone needs to prepare the humans for what's coming, and your face has local credibility. You're welcome, by the way." Before I could respond, before I could even process what he'd just admitted, Raven spread his wings.

"We'll talk again, little raccoon. Soon. Try not to do anything too predictable before then. It's boring when you can see all the moves coming." And just like that, he launched into the air, trailing behind him the sound of laughter that felt like it had been laughing long before I arrived and would be laughing long after I left. I stood there for a long moment, trying to make sense of what just happened. Raven had my body. He was using it to make YouTube videos. He was warning people about the mana tide.

And apparently, that was supposed to be helpful. I tried using the Web of Wisdom to figure out if that was true. All I got was a headache and a vague sense that trying to predict what Raven would do was a waste of time.

"Fucking zoomies," I muttered, starting to walk again.

"This is all your fault." The cabin came into view about twenty minutes later. HOME. The Web hummed its approval. Tala was perched on the porch railing, tail bristling. Her mental voice cut through my exhausted thoughts immediately. Where the HELL have you been, kit? Fudge me. If I had known she was going to be back so quickly, I would have waited.

Taking a deep breath, I sighed, and finally said as I stepped onto the porch, "Long story, involving a spider goddess, a blessing, mystical thread metaphors, and a really unsettling bird who's currently puppeting my dead body for YouTube fame." Tala stared at me for a long moment. You're joking. She looked at me like I had lost my mind.

"I wish I was," I said, stepping past her. Then I slipped through the doggie door. A moment later, she stepped through and began to sniff me thoroughly. You smell like divine intervention and bad decisions.

"Yeah, that's about right," I said as I climbed into my recliner and collapsed, every muscle aching. Even my brain cells hurt. Being cosmically significant was exhausting. Who knew? Tell me everything, Tala demanded, settling next to me. And for once, I actually wanted to. Because if I didn't tell someone about the absolute insanity of the last few hours, I was going to lose my mind.

"Okay," I said, wrapping my tail around myself.

"So it started with the zoomies…" Tala groaned. Of course it did. Still, at least she wasn't throwing cucumbers at my head.

"And then I met Grandmother Spider in the woods…" As I recounted everything, the web, the blessing, the warning, Raven's revelation about my body, and everything else, Tala listened without interrupting. When I finally finished, she was quiet for a long moment. So let me get this straight, she said finally. You now have supernatural wisdom, divine protection with conditions, and your corpse is on YouTube warning people about the apocalypse.

"That about sums it up, yeah." I wasn't so sure about the YouTube celebrity, but everything else sounded about right. And you got all of this because you couldn't sit still and watch Netflix. She stared at me for a moment and then looked around. I couldn't resist smirking. While she was gone, I had gotten rid of every single accursed cucumber in the entire house. There was no way she would be throwing another chunck of cucumber at me in the future.

"In my defense, I'd already watched all the good shows," I said, trying not to gloat about my small victory. She seemed disappointed, but only flicked her tail in my face. You're an idiot, kit.

"I know," I had to admit. I really wanted to be able to argue, but I couldn't. But you're my idiot. Her mental voice softened slightly. And if Grandmother Spider thinks you're worth guiding, maybe you're not completely hopeless.

"Thanks," I said dryly.

"That's the most touching thing anyone's ever said to me." We sat there in comfortable silence for a while. The Web of Wisdom hummed contentedly. Everything felt... right. HARMONIOUS. For now, anyway. Because somewhere out there, Raven was using my body for god knows what. Coyote was probably plotting something chaotic. And Grandmother Spider was watching to make sure I didn't turn into another Anansi. No pressure or anything, I thought.

"So," Tala said eventually.

"What's the plan?' I thought about it. I thought about everything that had happened. I even thought about the communities who were looking to me for leadership. The main thing that worried me were Raven and Coyote. The rest I could probably deal with.

"I think," I said slowly, "the plan is to just... keep doing what I've been doing. Solve problems. Help people. Try not to turn into a power-hungry megalomaniac." That's it? That's your grand plan?

"Yeah. Pretty much." I shrugged. I mean, what else can I do? Tala's mental voice carried amusement. It's a terrible plan, kit. Where is all that wisdom you were bragging about?

"I know," I muttered. But it's probably the best one you've got. She actually patted me on the shoulder like I was some dim child who had given their parents a handmade abomination of a present that the parent was going to have to live with for years to come.

"I know that too." We sat there a while longer, watching the moon rise over the Ozark woods. Somewhere out there, gods were watching and doing whatever it was that gods did. And honestly? I have no fucking clue what I am doing. But at least I had good company for whatever comes next.

"Hey Tala?" I finally forced myself to say. Yeah, kit?

"Thanks for not saying 'I told you so' about the zoomies." Oh, I'm definitely saying it. I'm just saving it for a more dramatic moment. I groaned.

"Of course you are." That's what family does, she said, and I could hear the smile in her mental voice. Family. Yeah. I guess we are. I'd felt that way earlier, but now someone else was admitting it too. It felt… RIGHT. Even if I was a cosmically significant raccoon and she was a Norse squirrel with anger management issues. Hell, what an interesting week. What's going to happen next week?