Chương 4: Starting a new religion in the new world

"Your power is summoning microwaves?!" Obviously he was not awake enough to notice the other things I'd summoned, the mini-fridge, the dresser, the couch, the corndog I was taking a bite of.

"Yes," I deadpanned through a mouthful of food, "I can summon microwaves. Just microwaves."

"Johnny, you're gonna be a rich man here." He noticed the corndog, then the couch, the fridge, the stuff from old Earth, and then like a dog discovering calculus, I watched him discover my power was more than microwaves.

"Things like this are expensive. Like, three to five gold pieces expensive for a microwave."

"Steven, do you wanna quit your job and be a microwave salesman and personal assistant for me for a little while?" I was half joking, but also... this seemed like a reasonable enough opportunity to hire a vampire butler. I could worry about the fact that he clearly wasn't a butler later.

"We can split the sales 50/50. I think I'm going to need a helping hand with some things in this world. Starting to suspect that any money I touch gets sucked up by my power."

"Most powers come with some sort of downside." He blurred out to his apartment and set his new microwave down in his place before he blurred back.

"Deal. I will need a day to quit my current job. But uhh... I'll go sell that microwave right there, right now if you want, my shift doesn't start for hours and I don't think they'll even keep me for the evening if they know I'm quitting. The boss is a spiteful asshole."

"What are you doing for work currently?" I asked.

"I'm a night shift stevedore down at the docks. There's a huge, fresh water lake in the other direction. If you have an apartment on the other side of the building you get the view of the lake. Bigger than all the North American Great Lakes, put together. At least, so they say. There's a salt ocean too, a few thousand miles from here. This continent's landmass is a big donut shape. Freshwater inside, saltwater outside. I think I heard there's another continent out there too."

"Well, I look forward to working with you Steven." I put my hand out to shake his, and seal our deal, so to speak. He shook my hand, and was indeed, cold as a corpse. His hand seemed to suck the heat right from me.

"Sorry about the cold handshake, boss."

"No worries at all." I put my hand into my pocket to warm it up, and there I found Sochi's card, which I'd moved to these pants, as it was one of my few possessions.

"Hey, if I got a business card from the lady who dropped me off, how do I use it to call her?"

"Sweet Christmas Johnny, you got a bureaucrat's business card already?" Steven cocked an eyebrow up at me.

"Dorko sort of lied to you. That orb is a complementary 'telephone' from the government. He broke in here and stole it with the intention of using it to make friends with whoever came next. You place the card on top when you're ready to call her, and it'll connect to her orb. I'd give you a card of my own, but they cost a few copper a pop, and I don't actually have any made right now. Also you can just shout through the wall."

"About that." I pointed at the floor in front of him and a pile of adhesive backed sound proofing tiles appeared before him.

"This should be enough to cover all your walls, and I'll try to get Damon to put some up too." Balance: 1244. 02 His mouth dropped.

"I might just suck that dick one day anyhow..."

"I cannot possibly stress to you enough how much that is never happening." He roared into laughter and after a moment he stopped when he realized I wasn't laughing too.

"I think we may be from vastly different generations, Johnny. I want you to know, right now, that I'm never serious about that. Not with you anyhow, it's just..." He paused to think of a way to say it 'old-timey' like, "my way of saying 'Aw shucks, pee-paw, I sure appreciate the heck out of you, golly gee'." I smiled at him, what I hoped would get across that I appreciated him too, platonically, and also I enjoyed his sarcasm.

"Go soundproof your room, Steven, and get some rest before your last shift as a dockworker. Then sell that microwave this evening and I'll get you a new one when you pay me out my share."

"You got it boss-man." Steven gave me a regular speed (sloppy) salute, and then blurred off at vampire super speed to take all the sound proofing tiles to his apartment. His continuous joyful chortle slowly got quieter as he put the panels up. When he finished I heard a muffled "Hey, Johnny! Shout at me for a second!" I gave him a medium volume, "Ten-hut!"

A muffled laugh through the wall told me it was working well before he blurred over and said, "I'll come visit once I sell my microwave, after I quit my job," from inside my apartment, "and get myself a working business card. Catch you later, Grandpa Johnny."

"See ya, Steven." He zipped off, and I closed and locked my door. I finished my corndogs and realized that in a while, I'd need some toilet paper, towels, soap, shampoo, a razor, tooth brush, all that bathroom jazz. Balance: 1012. 43 I finished setting up my bathroom, and the magic circles in the ceiling and floor pulsed with white light that flowed toward the apartment across the hall. There was a sizzling popping noise, and then... then I heard nothing.

There was a sound blocking spell in the apartment when the little sister and big brothers were there, as I'd confirm later. The teleportation circles pulsed again and there was a woman's scream. Just pure frustration. She wasn't getting stabbed or anything. Being that the walls were paper thin, I heard everything she was saying. I think, I hope, Steven was able to sleep through it.

"This is un- FUCKING -believable," she didn't sound like my wife exactly, different accent, but she sounded like my wife when she found out my daughter's husband was cheating. Simply furious.

"I don't want to be a child again! I just finally got old enough to stop having to deal with my fucking period, and now what? I have to do it all over again? Forty more years of this horseshit. Menopause was DONE, gods dammit!" I unlocked my door and stepped out in the hall to knock on hers. If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

"Hello new neighbor," I tried to sound as non-threatening as possible.

"I'm Johnny-" She threw the door open, the hinges squeaked viciously, and I looked at them rather than her.

"Hello Johnny... English."

"English?" I asked.

"What makes you say that?" I turned to look at her, and she was a stunning young woman. Damn, I guess we're only a few hours apart in age now. I knew at least that she used to be old enough to have gone through menopause, so I was dealing with another actual adult, unlike Dorko... Damon. She looked like the college yearbook picture of the Indian Auntie that used to visit my roommate in the hospital during cancer attempt #4. She was a hoot, that Auntie.

"I can see your name and health bar," she sounded equal parts ashamed and annoyed.

"Can you not see mine?"

"No, my power doesn't come with that. Why'd you call me English?"

"Because your surname is so... Englishy."

"That's fair, it really is. Just Johnny is fine, I'm all American Beef, no English needed. And I should call you, miss?"

"Lakshmi," She paused for a moment, as if considering her surname, "Maraj. I am Lakshmi Maraj."

"Nice to me-""AHHH!!!! Johnny it worked!" She grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into an unexpected hug, "My HUD has updated my own name! Not stuck with that unspeakable bastard's surname anymore."

"Not a fan of the ex then?" I chuckled, as she picked me up with ease and spun in a circle with me in her arms... she was just like that Auntie. I gently indicated I'd like to be able to breathe again by tapping out of her hug, "You are incredibly strong."

"Oh thanks!" She set me down and stepped back to look me up and down.

"Why are you here?"

"I died, I think?"

"Not that part. We all died, Johnny. Why did you knock on my door?"

"The walls are paper thin, and I thought you might want these." I held out my hand and an unopened box of tampons appeared.

"Consider this a welcome to the neighborhood gift." Balance: 1000. 10"Johnny American, you do know how to charm a lady." She snatched the box from me.

"They said you aren't supposed to use your powers in the city."

"I got an exception, what about you? Isn't seeing names and health bars a power?"

"I can't not. Anything living I see has one, even the watchers with those pink-dart guns, and that fly down the hall."

"What exactly are your powers? If you don't mind me asking."

"Ha! Karma got me good Johnny. I stopped believing in gods, and now I have the powers of a 'war cleric' whatever that means. Only I don't know what god to serve, and I have to have strong feelings about one for my powers to work."

"Seems an odd thing to choose as your power if you don't believe in gods." She cocked her head, "Did you get to choose your power? I just got told what I was getting and then I was walking through the portal in this outfit. What did you pick?"

"Online shopping." We both shared a laugh, and when it came to a natural pause, I added, "I think I might have a god for you, as far as I know I'm his only patron. The Golden One. They take a divine tariff as a tithe from my purchases."

"If this god can give me the power to not have to have periods again for the next forty years, I will start worshiping today."

"I think I'll need to level up to be able to access better birth controls; but I can get condoms, PlanB, and progestin-only pills from the one website I have access to. I'm assuming our bodies work the same in this life as they did in the last, so I'm not sure if those pills will work to stop your periods, or just a pregnancy. Didn't stop them for my oldest daughters but the younger girls loved it for that 'feature'."

She seemed a little shocked at my straightforward unflinching understanding of women's reproductive issues.

"I had a wife, and five daughters, and they all had mostly daughters too. I also had a son..."

"Your poor wife."

"Tell me about it!" I said, "I wanted to get the ol' snip-snip after the first three, but she wanted 'to give me a boy' so we kept on trying until number six turned out a boy."

"Oh, your wife is... was? crazy. Did she pass before you?"

"I outlived even a few of my daughters. I would say it was a cruel fate, but I was over a hundred when I died. She passed when we were in our seventies." Lakshmi voiced my exact thoughts, "She could still be out there in this world, somewhere."

"MY thoughts exactly. You ain't get mind reading powers too, did ya?" She laughed, "Not yet. I think I will be able to do all sorts of strange miracles, if I power up, or whatever it is you do in this world."

"I think you'll need to pick a god first, right?"

"Oh, right you are." She thought for a moment.

"I choose your god Johnny. May The Golden One, bless me." I was fairly certain she wasn't serious, but her orb in the sink started to emit a bright, golden light.

"Oh shit, I was supposed to have you give them another, different name. I think we've just reinforced The Golden One as their primary name."

"You did." The annoyed voice from the glowing orb replied.

"Also, great work Johnny, you got me an atheist high priestess. Just what every divine being wants."

"I live to serve." I said, certain The Golden One would enjoy my sarcasm. Lakhshmi walked over to the sink and picked up the orb.

"They look like an Oscar."

"Is that how you ask your god for a blessing? Insulting them?"

"If the truth is insulting to you, then I'm not so sure I want to be your cleric, Oh Golden One." Leave it to an Auntie to scold the Divine.

"Lady, you're absolutely right, the Divine should appreciate the Truth." The Golden One chuckled, "I've changed my mind, Johnny, I love her, well done. She'll need some armor and weapons, and to use the words, 'You wanna party up?' in your direction at some point in the not too distant future."

"So how do I-" Lakshmi started to ask, but a blast of golden light hit her and surrounded her, and then... from my point of view, sunk into her, made her have a little momentary seizure, and then dropped her on the ground. I dashed over and caught her before she hit the floor, and set her down gently. The orb rolled away back into her kitchen.

"When she wakes up in a few hours she'll have some spells available." The Golden One said from within.

"I only had enough power from your tithes thus far to give her three levels. I'll catch you later, Johnny English." The orb darkened back to seemingly just a glass orb.

"Great. I'm sitting with a strange woman in her apartment and she's unconscious..." Is it better to leave her here? Or take her to my place and put her on the couch? I waffled for a moment before I decided to pick her up and take her across the way to wake up on my couch. I'd rather wake on a couch than the floor, and I bet she will too. I waited for either: Lakshmi to wake up, or for Sochi to get off work, whatever happened first.

I sat on my floor by the foot of my couch and went through the website in my mind's eye. I built some lists for rapid purchasing. The Golden One said Lakshmi would need armor, weapons, a shield probably. I found some plate armor, some medieval weapons, and a few choices for shields, but it would cost me more than a grand to get it all, and while I knew I could go negative somewhat, I'd really prefer not to be in Divine Debt. It took a while to find the right ones. A lot of these were just...

meant for playing, not for really protecting or actually bashing in skulls. Eventually, I found some real gear, and when I had 1500 bucks to spare, I'd get her some equipment. I looked at my watch, and it was time. I took the card from my pocket and walked over to my kitchen. With two hands, I placed it gently atop the orb, and it started ringing.