Chương 20: Especially when the Gods interfere, and gamble on my fate.

The creature on the other end of the arena roared. As it roared, another roar joined it from the same location, and when the two were echoing together in a terrifying blast, a third voice joined them, pushing the volume well into 'cover your ears' territory. I did, and gestured for Damon to do the same. Lakshmi had already covered her ears. When the roars faded I dared to peek around the wooden cover we were hiding behind. The glasses could tell me what I was up against.

There it was, in big, bold, golden, bossfight lettering, at the top of my view in the glasses. Alloprat of Unusual Size Golem: 144/144 HP. 10 Defense. 14 Attack.

"Ohh fuck, that thing is massive." It was roughly humanoid in shape, but not size. The monstrosity down at the other end of the arena was two refrigerators tall, at least. Each of its arms was a full-sized AOUS, as was the head in the middle. The legs were as thick as a full AOUS, but had no head. The arms were snapping, biting, and roaring.

"What the fuck is that?!" Lakshmi sounded appropriately disgusted and horrified.

"Dinner," I said, "Or we are."

"Ohhh shit... ohhhh fuck... ohhh shit." Damon was showing 1hp, and it was flickering down to zero. I think it was only through the sheer force of apple magic that he hadn't hyperventilated and passed out yet.

"Buddy, we're gonna need you to get it together for a minute here." I grabbed his free hand in mine.

"Damon, Lakshmi and I are going to bait that thing onto some flammable stuff, you light the stuff on fire, got it?"

"Light stuff on fire, got it." If he were a soldier of mine, I might have slapped him then and there... but he was just an untrained, idiot kid.

"Damon, Look at me." I got him to look me in the eyes.

"You stay hidden until we call for fire. We will shout the word 'fire' a bunch when it is time for you to start shooting, okay."

"Yeah. Yeah. Okay, fire when you call for it." He caught my eyes and I watched his HP tick back up to 3/4 as he looked through the lenses of my glasses into my eyes.

"Good lad." I patted him on the shoulder, and before I could say more-"Auricalum Skrect!" Lakshmi fired a holy bolt at the thing trundling its way down the arena toward us. It hit the center head, staggering it briefly, before it leaned forward into a run. A light of holy guidance shone on the thing's head, and I deeply regretted the fact that I did not have a gun or crossbow at the moment. Stupid fucking sword. Lakshmi started walking toward it, shield raised, hammer pointed right at her foe.

She stepped closer to one of my flammable traps and fired again,"Auricalum Skrect!" This shot hit its left knee, slowing it down somewhat as it ran toward us. I sprinted out ahead, and as it stumbled, I ran past it, hacking at the same leg Lakshmi hit as I went by. Using the magical guidance of her attack to help me hit a vulnerable spot. I connected well, and was rewarded with a heavy spray of blood. It turned and swiped at me, and I totally dodged it.

Dodged it so good I was knocked to the floor several yards away, barely able to keep my sword in hand. But I was right in the middle of my kindling pile, exactly where I wanted to be. I planned this... 100%. I scrambled to my feet and over to the other side of the kindling trap.

"FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" I shouted, spinning back in time to see another bolt of holy magic crash into the thing. Between her shot, and my parry, this time I really did manage to take no damage, fending off that massive head without really hurting it either. Damon's bolt of fire hit the damn boss, not the wood. I'll give him full credit though, if that thing hadn't been moving and stepped where he was shooting, he would have hit some kindling. Instead he shot a meaty, not overly flammable leg.

It still hurt the thing though, because it turned from facing me with all three of its nasty gnashing mouths to look at where that fire had come from. Lakshmi stepped between Damon and the monster and fired a third holy bolt from point blank.

"Auricalum Skrect!" It used its own right arm-face to block and I saw it lose hp, from 97/144 to 84/144. Holy shit if we could get things on fire we might actually come out alive.

"KEEP SHOOTIN' KID!" I shouted. I made a two-handed swing at the thing's ass. You know how I said I was no sword master? So look... I hit it, okay, it just... didn't do any hit points of damage. I could blame the thick scales, and certainly they were part of it, but I just... swung bad, I guess? I almost rattled the damn sword out of my hand the way I hit the thing. What I'd have given for a rifle with a fixed bayonet, over this wretched sword. Damon didn't let me down though, he kept shooting.

The first shot hit more boss, 81/144, but the second found the freshly obliterated kindling pile we'd baited it onto, and the fire ripped to life underneath the AOUS golem. This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source. Our foe didn't seem to notice the fire just yet, and was much more interested in Lakshmi now that she'd made herself a very noticeable target.

Shield raised, and hammer pointed she said,"Auricalum—" but before the Skrect, she caught a full force punch from the glowing right hand. It caught her by the shield, and slammed her to the ground where it shook her viciously. It realized she wasn't letting go, and then flung her by the shield through the cover right next to where Damon was hiding. If it's aim was better it might have taken them both out in a single move. I couldn't imagine how she'd get up after that.

No time to worry about Lakshmi, I closed in from behind. I had to stop the great horror from walking away from the growing flames beneath it. I jumped up onto its back and plunged my sword into the glowing spot left from Lakshmi's first strike on the beast. It roared, and that rattled my whole ass worse than riding any tank ever did. I tried to pull myself up on the weight of the sword to get my feet pressed on the beast, but the sword sunk further in and I lost my grip when the beast stopped roaring.

Damned brand new baby hands, no callus. I landed... not great, and soon found my ass on the ground. I grabbed bits of flaming wood while I was down there and threw it over onto separate parts of the pile to spread the fire. I did this Strategically, by flailing wildly to get out of the quickly igniting kindling I was laying on. Strategically, I swear. After barely not getting hoisted by my own petard, I saw Lakshmi emitting a full body golden glow, and pushing herself back to her feet. That was one tough broad.

She was at full hp. Damon, Golden One bless him, kept shooting. I was in danger and it was all he could do to help, and he sure did. I rolled out of the way of a stomp, and then another one, and then... despite taking fire bolts and holy bolts back to back to back to the back of the head, it fucking caught me with its left arm, picking me up by the right leg. It clamped down a few inches below the knee and had me up in the air in no time. It was on fire, and I was not, so that was something.

The fire hot pain shooting through my lower leg was something else. We were both having a rough time. I tried to do a crunch and lean up to at least punch it in the face that was biting me, but it had other plans. The huge, flaming creature spun around toward its remaining assailants and slammed me into the ground. It wasn't just trying to knock the wind out of me - which it did - it was trying to break my leg off so it could eat the chunk it had in its mouth, which it also did.

Not before it flung the rest of me toward my friends. I hit the ground, and the adrenaline was starting to fade in favor of shock. Been there before. I looked down at my lack of a left foot. Ha! Now I'd only be dancing with one left foot when I met my wife again, she'd love that. I just had to live that long. I glanced up at the boss monster. It was on fire, and had 8/144 hp left, but the arms had fallen off as two whole independent AOUS. Lakshmi looked back at me, but I shouted to her, "Fight, I won't die."

And then to make due on that promise, I took the second tiara off my head and stuck it over what was left of my leg, below the knee. I pinched it tight, bending the not entirely flimsy thing into the shittiest makeshift tourniquet I'd ever made, and I'd made some doosies. It's a damn good thing it didn't take Lakshmi and Damon long to clean up those already damaged AOUS bastards, because I would have bled out... Certainly passed out.

I fast traveled from the dungeon boss floor, to my three-in-one sofa, bed, and I'm not sure the other thing. My right big toe itched... but when I tried to wiggle it to scratch, it wasn't there. Damn. I'd been warned about this, plenty of friends with it in my last life. All the same, I groaned as I sat up and threw the blanket covering me off to take a look at the damage.

"Ugh, peg-leg, huh?" That was a bit wood strapped to a flesh stump. Nice healing, really. I couldn't have been asleep too long, I still felt... healthy, aside from the missing foot.

"Ahh, you're awake." Steven was sitting at my table. He played... a kazoo?

"Dang, it still doesn't work for me."

"Hey Steven, where is everyone else?"

"Nice to see you too, old man." He smiled.

"Lakshmi is 'getting her back blown out', her words, not mine. Damon's asleep next door at his, and Superman'll be back in the morning. You won a kazoo."

"What?"

"The boss loot. It's a kazoo with your name on it, it's bound to you. The magic doesn't work for anyone else, just kazoo." He tooted out a 'doot doo doo' on it.

"Lakshmi and Damon got loot too. Not kazoos."

"Oh?" He saw me looking at him, and tossed the kazoo with my name on it to me. The second I was touching it I knew what it did. I could play a few notes of 'victory music' to summon three fairies that would do my bidding for one hour. It would recharge if I was victorious in battle, and every day when the sun was victorious over night at sunrise.

"So, bossman, what's that kazoo do?"

"Tell me what the others got and I'll show you what the Victory Kazoo does."

"Lakshmi got a magical ring that deflects attacks more better or something. She can show you. It made her kinda shiny. And Damon got a new wizard hat that... hats, wizardly. I think he said it'll make his spells stronger, and it seemed like he could change the color and pattern on it all willy nilly, because one second it was blue with dinosaurs, and the next it was black with stars n' moons, and then it was red with golden lady silhouettes like on trucker mud flaps."

"Huh, neat. Maybe it'll help him learn to mind his thoughts." I fiddled with the Victory Kazoo, and thought of what might count as 'victory music'. I remembered a little ditty from when my grandson used to come play his numbtindee at my house. Look, I know it's a Nintendo, but messin' with youngins by saying it wrong has been fun for decades. Even more fun to say the wrong system on purpose.

I know my Playstation from my Xbox, but I calls them all numbtindees, and wriggle around like a pig in shit in the cringe that rolls off the kids. That was mana, before mana was a real thing that spells came from. Anyhow that little ditty was from a game called The Last Fantasy... or something. And that shit played every single time they won a fight. Seared into my mind, even after death. I put the kazoo to my lips and hummed the tune from my memories.

"Was that final fantasy victory music?"" Final fantasy. That was what it's called." Pink smoke started shooting from the end of the kazoo, and a tiny electric guitar riff played from it... kazoony style. From the smoke three quick thwumps shot out, my three fairy servants. A tiny, winged, Randy Savage looking little guy in a pink tutu broke free from the smoke.

"Hey there brother, I'm the Bone Crusher!" Then another one,"Hey there brother, I'm the Bone Cruncher!" Then the last one,"Hey there brother, I'm the Bone Cracker!" Then all three formed up in a little fairy pyramid, and spoke together in their tiny, strained, Macho-Man voices,"Welcome to the Bone Zone!"