Chương 23: Or the Wartome for Me.

While I wailed and moaned, during the times it ebbed down a bit, I flipped through my jacket options. When I was whole again, I wanted to look good too. I found a nice dark, almost black leather chief's jacket. There was a spot for a velcro nametag and a patch, and black fur collar that was removable. Which was a good thing because it was fucking hot and swampy outside to be wearing fur. The front had some double-feature pockets.

Once my foot had finished regrowing and I stopped screaming and profaning the name all things holy and unholy, Damon came back over so we could talk about the Wartome. Steven joined too, though he had no say in what happened to the book. It was approaching noon, Theodore had left and come back. He went to print and deliver the morning edition. It took him about an hour, but he came back to finish watching my toes regrow. Also he wanted to know what was going down with the Wartome.

When it got down to just my toes finishing up we called Damon back. I put a sock on my new foot, and stuffed it into the book Lakshmi had recovered and magically cleaned for me, so he didn't have to see the last of it, but it basically just tickled at this point in the foot birthing process, so it was time to sort out the fancy book issue. Lakshmi pulled it out of her frog storage and set it on the table. It was a gorgeous book.

The black leather of the cover was splattered with pinpricks of light that shone through from the inside, beckoning, begging to be touched, like the night sky, within my reach. I yearned to run my fingers over the cover, to block those little beams of light coming from it and see if they felt warm. In the upper part of the front cover, where one might expect the title to be, was a softly glowing white gemstone cut in the shape of an eye, it had no iris or pupil, but it was still unsettlingly eyeball shaped.

It somehow felt like it was following you when you leaned around. The whole book seemed to pulse and breathe, or maybe the air and the world around it was pulsing and bending. A heavy metal latch held it clasped shut, and a chain wrapped around the whole thing giving it a very 'forbidden book' vibe.

"So your identify spell doesn't tell you what this does?" I asked. Damon shook his head, "It probably will one day, but I can't upcast it at all yet. Still only have level one spells. I can Identify that it is a Wartome, but not what it does. I see 'Wartome' with a little S in parentheses, which I think is the tier of it. What about your glasses, that's like their whole point, right?"

"I think the point of these is for Herman to peep on people, only he's given them enough features that I'll actually use them."

"Like those digital perv glasses from the first world that were incredibly unpopular with non-pervs." Steven said.

"But actually useful."

"I'll take Herman over Mark, that's for sure." Lakshmi said.

"Zorkenborg?" I asked.

"You know… that's close enough Grandpa, yeah." Steven laughed, "Mork Zorkenbork." Okay, so obviously I got that wrong, but what the hell was his name really? Before I could ask, the glasses got to work identifying the Wartome more than Damon could.

"Oh, they're working." Everyone stared at me, and awaited my effulgent wisdom, courtesy of Herman the pervert.

(Lvl 1 Information) Peculiar Wartome Of Spatial Magic (S-Tier) (Lvl 2 information) This book allows the user to open a large demiplane without requiring the use of mana. The demiplane exists within the book, and if the book is taken inside, no other may enter or leave until the book is carried back out to the material plane. The demiplane has a day and night cycle the same as the Material Plane, however, it only exchanges gasses with the material plane while opened. Bring your own air if staying long term.

(Lvl 5 information) Magically Hidden note The one that consumes this book properly, does so from back to front. They will be able to open their own personal Demi-Plane without requiring the use of mana. If they consume it front to back, they will be turned inside out, starting at the butthole and ending at the mouth. Inverted buttholes: 11 Regular users: 1 The total area grows for each asshole inverted. More area is added the more powerful the asshole. The area is shared by all regular users.

Possession of the book is not required to open the way when study is complete. Current area: 13 setat (Lvl 7 information) Magically more well hidden note - advisory: This note is temporary and recently applied A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. I got Osiris to cough up this badboy after he lost that bet. Well done Johnny, we outrank several gods now after that evening of reckless gambling.

Wartomes don't normally drop there, but I thought you'd really like it, and since I won the bet the old man had to pay up. It seemed to be on your Second World wish list to get something like this. Maybe teach Lakshmi how to get in too. If you run into any Osiris Worshippers, be cool, we're allies now. It's all good natured fun. Osiris likes you, and your party too.

-TGO (Lvl 9 information) Magically insanely well hidden note - advisory: This note is temporary and recently applied Herman, if your glasses allow Grandpa Johnny to read this, well done. I'll be in touch. -Osiris

"Well, it's a slightly cursed Wartome, and the gods have been fiddling with it, and are interested in us, personally. Sorry about that everyone." I said. I pointed at the thing, "If it's read wrong it'll kill you… God, I hope it kills you. Gettin' turned inside out an' staying alive sounds worse than another death."

"Yikes!" Steven said.

"I heard there's a blood magic spell that does that to people. They definitely die."

"So if you don't use it wrong, what's it do?" Theodore asked, pencil in hand.

"I assume not kill you."

"Unless there's even more bullshit up its tantalizing sleeves, it's spatial magic. A Demi-plane." I said.

"Anyone know how big 13 setat is?"

"I don't even know what a setat is." Damon said.

"I think, based on the context clues, that it's a measurement for land, like acres." I replied, and then the oddest thing happened. A tiny text box appeared at the rate of someone typing very fast and neatly.

"13 setat is about 8. 8 acres."

"God dammit, Herman, are you watching and listening to us right now?"

"Yes."

"Well, Herman is watching, and listening to us through my glasses. He says it's about 8. 8 acres. Thanks, Herman."

"I have access to wikipedia through… means of mine. Anytime you need help, friend, I might be watching. Just don't cut me off if you're doing something cool like banging monsters or fighting whores. I'll forgive you if you take the glasses off to piss, but I promise I won't watch that intentionally, who wants a floppy cock jumpscare? Anyhow, I heard Wartome and I…" He kept typing but I took the glasses off and put them in my jacket pocket. This Wartome business was going to be trouble, I knew it.

"Well… that is an absolutely massive space for a spatial magic storage box." Steven said. Jesus, he was right. That was huge.

"I wonder if there's anything in there already?"

"Well I think I could study the book properly if everyone gives me a little time to do so. And then we could all go in there together to find out. It said it exchanges air when I open the way, so as long as we don't close the door we won't run out of air." The teleporter started charging. Uh oh. Not a fan of unannounced intruders teleporting into my house. Lakshmi vanished the book into the frog, and we all pushed away from the teleporter and prepared to… I dunno. Jump whoever came out, I guess?

Sochi appeared in a flash. Dressed for work.

"Hey Johnny! Whoa… easy everyone."

"Sorry. We're all just a little… jumpy I guess?"

"How's the leg?" She shrugged off our jumpiness, "I heard the whole story down at the guild from Grace on my first break a couple hours ago. You're the most famous newcomer in a long time Johnny. Grace even told me the parts that aren't in the papers. Good call excluding the Wartome part Clark Kent." She wasn't even from the first world and she knew Superman.

"It's Kal El." Theodore said with a chuckle, finally in the joke that was his own existence. Golden One's Shiny Dome, that's gotta feel nice.

"And that was the guildmaster's call. I'd have reported it if she didn't kindly ask me not to for Johnny and friends safety.

"Holy shit! You got your whole foot back already." She grimaced as she realized how fast I grew my foot.

"You know, you should really drink those a little at a time so it hardly hurts. Grow the limb back over a day or two, or three if you're a real wuss about it and don't really want to feel it all." I stared daggers at Lakshmi and she laughed, "Sorry, I didn't think that Frank's support was such an asshole."

"Ahh, the adventurer's style. That is to chug it as fast as possible and get it over with." Sochi laughed.

"So I got a few minutes before I have to go back to work. You figure out what the Wartome does yet?" She pulled out a magnifying glass, but I stopped her and caught her up. Including about Herman's Pervert Glasses.

"So I'm thinking about studying it, the right way, and opening it."

"Fuck yeah, do it. What a Wartome! It could start wars alright." She walked over and grabbed my hand and pulled it closer so she could read my watch.

"Well shit, I gotta go. Let me know how it goes in there. I'll uhh, call before I stop by next time, my bad. Break's almost over. Toodles!" She muttered the incantation and was gone almost as suddenly as she'd arrived.

"Well, I guess I've got some tedious studying to do."

"Yeah, that's boring. I'm going to bed. Wake me up if you want me to go in first since I don't need air." Steven got up and headed back to his own place at regular speed.

"I've got journalism to do." Theodore said. I swear he considered jumping out of my window and flying away for a second, but I don't think he'd actually unlocked his flight powers yet.

"I'll come back later to see if you've mastered the Wartome in a day. Also, I might need some more of these superman comics, maybe some other heroes tales too. Bully good reading, comics." Theodore left.

"Lakshmi, maybe you could take Damon and go find a low tier quest to do, when I was looking at you guys with the glasses on earlier it showed you had 285/300 exp, and Damon was at 15/100 to go from level 1 to 2."

"That sounds a lot more entertaining than watching you read. Come on kid." She stood up and Damon joined her, not quite sure how he'd just been voluntold to go questing.

"Don't worry, we're both plenty rich enough now to feed ourselves lunch. And I'll make sure nothing hurts Damon. You better not be inside out when we get back."

"I don't plan to be, but if I'm still alive like that somehow, please kill me."

"Can do chief. Nice jacket, by the way. You look… MMMmmmmMMMM. Handsome in that." Damon looked at her like, 'eww mom, gross!' but didn't say a thing, and she spit the book back out of her frog onto the table. The two of them left me alone with the Wartome. To study. I reached out and unwrapped its chain. And then laid it face down on the table, and unlatched it. I opened the back cover and started to read…