Chương 2: Some Get Partial Credit For Reincarnation

"Excellent. Then we'll leave you to it." She pulled a card out of her jacket pocket.

"I don't normally give my card to newcomers, but I have a feeling you won't abuse the privilege." I took the card from her with both hands. She seemed to be handing it to me that way, so I reciprocated the gesture. From the glances her big brothers made, I knew this was highly unorthodox. I pocketed the card without even looking at it. It was also about now that I noticed I was wearing a simple grey set of cloth pants, along with a shirt of the same color and material. No shoes.

Everyone coming through the portal had been, but it just occurred to me that I was as well.

"Did you guys want anything from the internet? Snacks, soap, socks, shoes? Something that doesn't start with 's'?"

"Knife?" One of them said.

"Knife sounds good," the other agreed, "big fuckin' knife."

"One moment." I pulled up the webpage in my head. Searched for 'Bowie Knife' and found a nice full tang one that was reasonably priced at less than twenty five dollars a piece, added two to my cart and checked out. They materialized in my hands. Balance: 1101. 45 Damn it! Am I still paying fucking taxes to Uncle Sam in this world? Or is there some sorta import tariffs? I gotta look closer at my purchase before I click through next time. I'm not rich anymore.

"Holy shit." One of the big brothers said. He reached toward the knife.

"Hup, hold on a second. If I'm gonna be a merchant in this world I can't go giving things away for free, right?" He stopped reaching for the knife and smiled, the first I'd seen him break from the stern, capable bodyguard persona. That was a friendly bear's smile, waiting for his steak.

"A silver piece each and information sound fair? We'll tell you what a knife like that would normally cost."

"Deal!" I handed him the knife, and his brother the other. Their sister paid out the two silver coins. Which promptly vanished when I touched them. Balance: 1801. 45"So, how badly did you rip me off for those knives?"

"Not as bad as she ripped you off for that fancy shampoo. A knife like this in the market would be maybe 5 or 6 silver," one brother said.

"Call it five silver and five coppers," the other added.

"Well, if we're all happy with the toys we got from Grandpa Johnny? Boys, we should be off. Pushing red on our time."

"What's that mean?"

"We gotta meet quotas." Brother One grunted as they stepped back into the teleporter circles. I quickly stepped outside said circles. No thank you. I had a sinking feeling that teleportation circles were the public transit system of this world, and I wouldn't be able to avoid using them now and again if I didn't want to live on the shoe-leather express.

"I get off work in six hours. Use the card to call me this evening and I'll help you out a little more." She didn't give me a chance to say a thing before, " Ahooliminx Notoroth, Portal chamber employee entrance. Activate." The runes in my floor and ceiling lit up, there was a flash of light, and they were gone. I pulled her card from my pocket and looked it over. Black, glossy card, white lettering.

Sochi Jimenez Portal Chamber Specialist Bureaucrat Grade 8 Sochi? What a normal name... kinda disappointing. I'm not sure what I was expecting, some stupid isekai malarkey, I guess? Like Ice Cream, or Cheesecake, but maybe in German. I wasn't expecting Sochi Jimenez. She could have been one of my nurses there at the end with that name. What're her brother's names? Frank and George? Maybe Pedro and Juan? I flipped the card over and there was an arcane rune version of a QR code, or some such thing like that.

I didn't really know what it was at the time, but this was her phone number, or… orb address, technically. I pocketed Sochi's card again, and as soon as I did there was a banging on my door.

"OHHHH, NEW NEIGHBOR! I felt those portal activations! I know you're in there new best friend!" There was a man's voice, he sounded like an idiot, but maybe I'd been too quick to judge.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP DORKO!" Another neighbor, an angry man, easily heard through the wall. Lovely. Paper thin walls; I guess you get what you pay for in this world too.

"Don't call me Dorko, Steve!" The idiot outside sounded like a petulant child in a man's body. Still an idiot, but a specific kind. I shook my head and went to greet my new neighbor, but first, I peered through the peephole and saw... a wizard? Blue robes with stars and moons on them, a pointy hat, a staff. Longish brown hair, sad wispy mustache, minimal beard hair. He had... a box in his hand? A welcoming gift? I opened the door.

"Nice to meet you! I'm DAMON the Magnificent. Master Magician!" He shifted his staff into the crook of his left arm, with which he held the box, and extended his right hand toward me.

"Is it really safe to shake strange people's hands in this world?" I asked, loudly enough for Steve to hear through the wall.

"Hell no it ain't, brother!" came the response through the wall, "But dipshit Dorko is harmless, so you might as well get it over with."

"Damon," I shook his hand, "nice to meet you, I'm Grandpa Johnny. Or I guess just Johnny now, or John? Johnny."

"Grandpa!?" Dorko... excuse me, Damon had a big ol' idiot grin on his face.

"Why, you don't look a day over twenty one!"

"And you sound about twelve!" Steve shouted through the walls.

"Come in Damon, and let's talk... quietly."

"GREAT!" Damon practically shouted in the direction of Steve's apartment. I was between them. Marvelous.

"I got you a welcome to the world gift." He handed me the plain, cardboard box. It was small, but heavier than I expected it to be.

"What is this?"

"Well, open it up and see." I tried to hide my annoyance, but I did as he asked. It was... a glass ball.

"Thanks? I'll ask again, what is this?"

"An orb! For pondering." He stroked his barely extant facial hair.

"Uh, Thanks?" Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.

"You're welcome!"

"So... Damon. Forgive me if this is rude, I'm not sure the customs 'round here, but how old are you? Or, how old were you, before you died?"

"The custom is you start over at twenty one, so I'm twenty two. I just started having to pay on my apartment a couple months ago."

"And before?"

"I was eleven." I immediately adjusted my vocabulary.

"Dang."

"What about you? You were a Grandpa? Probably pretty old I bet."

"Young man, I was one of the oldest." I laughed for a moment. This was messed up. An eleven year old was now older than me.

"I was a hundred and four."

"Holy shit!"

"Language, young man."

"I'm older than you now, Gramps! I can do swears if I wanna. I don't even have a mom and dad now." Dorko... Damon the Magnificent said. I looked around my studio apartment. There was nothing but the small trash can next to the door to the bathroom. The counter was empty, there was no stove, no fridge, just... a couple empty cabinets. I didn't even have a dust bunny to roll by like a tumbleweed. I walked over and set my pondering orb on the counter, and it rolled toward me. Wonderful, my cabinets aren't even square.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

"Works as a level." I said, catching it. I quickly purchased a cheap metal 'orb stand' from the website. Balance: 1793. 22 It manifested on the counter, where I wanted it. Interesting. I wonder how far away from me I can materialize things, or is it just because this is in my apartment that I can do that? Before I could ponder that in my new orb, I had to deal with Damon, who was gasping and pointing like... well like a twelve year old that saw a classmate smoking.

"I have permission."

"Already!? Damn, Johnny!" He looked both impressed and offended. God, kids are easy to read. Whoa... God. Goddess... whatever that was before I came here. I needed a little time alone to think about things.

"Listen, Damon. This has been great. Nice to meet you and all, but I need a little more time to settle in before I have guests over." I shuffled him toward the door.

"Oh, but I was going to try to take you furniture shopping."

"THAT'S HIS JOB!" Steve shouted. Then quieter, because I could obviously hear him if he just spoke, "Not exactly a scam, but don't let him use your teleporter to take you there. It'll charge you for every use after they bring you here and leave. It's a silver per teleport. I strongly suggest you only use it to bring your stuff back. There's stairs down. Teleporter debt is a bitch."

"Shut UP, Steve!"

"Thank you Damon, I'll let you know if I end up needing help acquiring local furniture. Thank you for the orb." I pushed him out the door, and when he turned around to speak back I said, "I'll be sure to return the favor when I'm settled," And slammed my door in his face. Ugh. I felt bad being so... brusque with a child, but I really needed a moment to think.

"Jesus, I haven't even got a couch to faint on." I pulled up the website and searched for couches. On the first page there was a 3-in-1 convertible couch. It was 259. 99 so I added it to my cart. This time I took a second to look at the added fees and such. The total was 287. 87. There was only one tax listed. Divine Import Tax, percentage variable?

"What in the cockamamie nonsense is this?" I muttered to myself, a bad habit I had picked up from being old and crotchety for more than forty years. Now, as a young person... Maybe that would make me look crazy. I clicked the little question mark Icon next to the fee on the website in my mind's eye. There was a bright flash of light in my orb...

"What the-""About to swear in front of the Divine, how incredibly blasphemous of you Johnny. Tsk Tsk." I recognized this voice, from before... between death and new life.

"Oh, uh." I dropped to one knee and bowed my head.

"Nope. No. Come on, get up. I'm just on your orb, I'm not actually coming down to visit or anything. Keep it casual Johnny. I'm a deity, not a dickhead. Besides this is like a phone call from customer service, more than Divine Commandment or anything. We'll get to all that later. Even then, kneeling is optional." I got up, feeling a little foolish.

"I'm sorry your... Divine-ness? I seem to have forgotten your name."

"Ha, you and me both, Johnny." I dared to peer into the orb, and within saw an androgynous, glowing, golden form, sitting on... the grey nothingness behind them. Maybe I just couldn't see their chair.

"What should I call you then?"

"Ohhhh... I dunno." They said, standing up from their seated position and scooping up their corresponding-orb.

"You know there's a power in naming, and as you're my only child in this world right now, perhaps you should name me. I guess that is why I've forgotten my name, there is no one left to praise it, none to give it offerings."

"How about..." I picked up the orb and stared within, pondering the being I saw there. Damn, Damon got me a solid gift. I am pondering the fuck out of this orb.

"The Golden One."

"The Golden One?" They shot back with an air of disgust, "What am I an acting trophy?"

"I dunno! I've never named a Deity before?" I said.

"Sorry, is it stuck? Can I try again?"

"I... I dunno. Lemme check the narration," The Golden One said. Much to their dismay, it was in the narration already.

"Shit, I think I'm stuck as The Golden One. Maybe when we get a new follower I can get a second name, a better name."

"Jesus..." I muttered, a habit from a lifetime of religious lip service. I'd become an atheist, inside, after what I'd done on D-Day, and seen in Europe in the 40s. Godlessness.

"Now THAT is a name. Why didn't you give me that name?"

"I uh... I think that name is already pretty taken." The Golden One stopped to ponder that for a moment.

"No no... you're right. That would be silly. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway, stealing his support by usurping his name."

"So... You called me to give me customer support, right?"

"Right!" they set their orb down.

"I take a small share of everything, as a kind of... automatic tithing system. You agreed to this when you were just a soul, but the remortification process doesn't tend to let many memories stick around other than the ones you made when you were meat before, those you definitely get to keep."

"Yes. I noticed." My memories of my old life were more crystal clear than they had been when I died, that's for sure, that last couple months were... foggy at best, living through them.

"So how much is this... variable automatic tithe expected to be? And can I get a fresh copy of the terms and conditions?"

"Ha! No. I like the way you put that, though. Very businesslike. I can answer three questions, not counting any you've already asked. Did you want that to be your first one? How's the tithe work?" They stroked their chin and I nodded. I wanted to know how the taxes worked.

"The Divine tithe will be anywhere between three and fifty percent. Not much on that one website you're on will be much more than fifteen though. When you figure out how to get to more websites... well some of them will have a bit more of a divine tariff, I'm sure. Especially for things that oughtn't be here in this world. And yes, I am just doubling the generic celestial tariff and passing it on to you."

"Wonderful. I got all that for one question."

"Shit... I guess you did. Still, pretty sweet deal, right? I'm obligated to do nothing but answer a couple questions and I automatically get tithes."

"How do I get access to more websites?"

"You gotta level up." I could have recklessly asked 'how do I do that' but I'm not an idiot. Probably kill monsters or make trades. Maybe something I could ask Sochi for free, tonight... or at least not at the cost of a divine question.

"This isn't a question, but a question about questions, I guess. And I don't want it to count... but can I save my question for later, and call you back when I know what I want to ask?"

"Oh sure! No problem with me. You still have one question remaining, we can save it for later. You ready for that Divine Commandment now?" I noticed Steve hadn't said anything about all the divine jibber jabber that surely he'd heard going on, nor Damon. I couldn't believe neither of them had tried to come burst into my room. Something was suspicious. Part of me felt like I was being scam called somehow, or maybe time was frozen? I tested my second hypothesis by picking up the orb stand and dropping it.

It hung there, frozen in the air. Awaiting time's return for gravity to even bother. Probably not a scam caller... unless scam callers in this world can stop time.

"Oh swell, I get to be a paladin. I'm ready, I guess."

"Paladin? With your powers?! Hell no!" Ouch, my freshly youthful masculinity, you wound me Golden One. That was actually great news. I didn't want to end up fighting the demon lord or something, "You're a merchant, John, but that doesn't change the mission."

"The Mission?"

"Yeah! We went over this when you were a soul, repeatedly. It didn't stick at all?" I tried to remember, but it was like trying to remember what your mom saw in your dad... Felt like horribly forbidden knowledge that I was seeking in my own mind. But I found nothing.

"No, it did not stick."

"You have to seek out the Demon Queen. And when you meet her, you will do what has to be done..."