Chương 18: At least the Starter Dungeon is Easy.

"AAHHHHGGHHGHG!" Dale screamed at his incredibly snapped wrist... lower arm? Whatever.

"Ah, shoot." Theodore looked like really did not mean to do that exactly.

"Well, I guess that's what you get for putting hands on a lady that clearly didn't want you to, mister." The hot spray of blood on her back and neck caused Lakshmi to snap the pen in her hand. She roared to her feet, covered in armor before she even finished rising.

"ANYONE ELSE WANNA GET PUSHY!? I SAID. I HAVE. A FUCKING. PARTY!" The people manning the elixir stand, and their whole line were looking our way. Everyone who had been standing around to see exactly how Dale had overstep, fled. Even his party. Leave it to a doctor to clear a Blood Clot. Can't blame Dale's party. I probably wouldn't want to fight a Superman if I was only level one or two either... or ever.

"AAAHHHHhhhh!" Dale continued to scream, blood continued to spray. Lakshmi sighed, she vanished her armor back into the frog.

"Theodore, please hold this idiot down on the table, and if you can, gently pinch his wrist hard enough to stop the bleeding. I can mend tissue, maybe bones too, but I don't think I can replace lost blood." Tiffany's eyes went wide, she realized what was about to happen on her table, so she quickly snatched all the papers, none of them would be covered in blood. Filing blood stained documents isn't how you get up in the world as a guild secretary, go figure.

I stood up to help in any way I could, and noticed Damon had fainted. I guess he'd probably never see the insides of a man's arm before.

"Oh, good." Lakshmi noticed Damon, too, and shook her head.

"Johnny, could you put dipshit's hand back where it goes when he's on the table? Line it up nice and good, it looks like it was a very clean break."

"Ahhhh... Oh my gods! What?" Dale was finally able to make words again. Good on him. Before he could fully wrap his head around what was happening...

"Sorry about all this, buddy." Theodore grabbed him, and had him laid on the table, pinning his arm and stopping the bleeding quicker than you could spit. I did my part and lined up the man's radius and ulna. Not the first time I'd done emergency field surgery. First time with magic healing though. I had a feeling Dale's recovery was going to be a whole lot faster than Matthew from Texas' was after 'Nam. Lakshmi, seeing that we were ready, started her hands a-glowing.

She started to heal him, but then a deep frown grew on her face.

"I'm going to need to cast a stronger spell."

"Please!" Dale whimpered and cried. I happened to notice that his hit points said 0/36 in my glasses. Fascinating. I'm not sure I fully understood what hit points were. I glanced at Damon. Also a 0 but only 4 for his max. I guess... HP represents a will to fight, and not solely injury level.

"Auricalum Xhumparo." Lakshmi uttered, and a bright pulse of light from within her flowed out from her core through her arms, and into the relatively clean break and started to un-sever his hand. Dale's arm mended right before my eyes. I couldn't be sure if the bones did as well, because the tissue, tendons, and destroyed blood vessels all snapped back into place just before the ripped skin on the outside did. And all that meaty stuff blocked my view of his bones.

Dale's whimpering ebbed down until he was just breathing heavily, wide eyed in terror as Theodore still had him pinned down. HP: 1/36.

"There you are. Good as you started," Lakshmi said.

"And have you learned your lesson?" Dale nodded vigorously. Where she'd sealed his wound was still glowing brightly, but my glasses had darkened, like a welding mask, so I could still see it as it finished melding back together. His flesh blurred like softened clay, and albeit a bit less suddenly than it had happened, his arm was good as new again.

"Let him up then, Theodore." Lakshmi placed a still glowing hand on Theodore's back, and he released Dale. I let him go too. No need to keep holding his hand now that it was reattached to his body. HP: 8/36. He jumped off the table and as his glowing wrist finished sealing up. There was a subtle click, as it finished. He sprinted out of the room, the last I saw him he was back up to 10 HP. I turned back to Tiffany.

"Sorry. That got a little... out of hand." Lakshmi, Theodore and I shared a chuckle at my stupid joke, and Tiffany just stared at me like the asshole I was. Grace appeared, she'd produced a wand.

"I was going to get involved, but... that all happened very fast, and you lot resolved it fine. Remind me not to start beef with you, big fella."

"Sorry, sometimes I don't know my own strength." Theodore looked sheepish. An incredible feat for a guy that big.

"Well, at least I've got my handy wand of Blood Deletion." Grace pointed the wand at the mess and the blood on the table and floor started sizzling away in red sparkles.

"Uhh..." I was trying to form the thought that that horrifying sounding wand had given me into words, without sounding like a monster, but I quickly gave up and decided on bluntness.

"Can you use that on living things?"

"Oh gods, no!" Grace looked horrified.

"It's for cleaning. A lot of blood ends up on the floors in here on a Friday night. It only works on wood and stone, too. Cheap ass, piece of shit wand."

"Well, shall we finish that paperwork?" Lakshmi said, slicking the blood off her neck, and splattering her bloody hand on the table.

"You can probably use your bag of holding to suck up the blood, then spill it on the table and I'll clean it off the wood," Grace said.

"Good Ol' Adventurer's Bath." Lakshmi cocked her head and looked at Grace for a moment, "I'd have never thought of that."

"You'll get used to the new world, eventually darling." Grace smiled and prepared her wand. A moment later Lakshmi had licked herself clean of blood with her frog purse. Then the frog spit out all of Dale's blood and it was sparkled away by Grace's wand.

"Well." Tiffany sat back down.

"What about Damon?"" Drune-Rembark." Lakshmi said, and hit Damon with the spell by transmission via finger-guns.

"WHO! What?!" He said, coming to.

"Oh... there was so much blood... and bone."

"Hey, it's okay, Damon," I said.

"Not easy the first time you see such a thing. I'm sure you'll get used to it." Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

"I'm not sure I want to get used to it." He was still pale. Paler than normal, anyway. Which wasn't quite Steven-pale, though he looked that pale at the moment.

"Right, so what do we have to do to join the guild, and are there like... membership fee's, or rules we have to follow?" Tiffany took over, and Grace went back to managing the line for elixir. I'll try to summarize what was a rather dry, hour long conversation along with a bit of contract reading. To join, all we had to do was collect ten (dead) alloprats from the dungeon underneath the tavern. That would make us G-rank, and then we could start taking missions to rank up.

The first and most important rule was: Mission loot goes to the guild. The other big rule was: try not kill other guild members out in the world beyond Nexus town. The Adventurer's guild does not approve of member on member violence. The ranks go: G, F, E, D, C, B, A, S, S*. Rank and Level are not tied together. There are S* folks that are level three, like Theodore could be, if he signed up and did some quests. And there's folks that are level ten that are still E-ranked. Some people get ten levels, max.

Regulars get twenty, and some irregulars get 100 levels instead, or 1000. Everyone's system is unique, and all are welcome at the adventurer's guild. Even if the Regular's system's all Rhyme, in their own way, each person's system is unique; ultimate powers and such are typically unique, though rarely reached. And some, like Lakshmi, have advanced features like better scanning to start. I was starting to think ranking up to collect a larger party was the right move.

Facing the Demon Queen with one stalwart War Cleric, and one wimpy Wizard that faints at the sight of blood seemed like a suicide mission. We were eventually going to need some sort of bruiser, but Theodore here didn't seem interested. I suppose Steven might join us, but we'd need to work out something about that whole Vampire thing if we were to leave town together. As G-rankers, we will be allowed to take missions up to F-rank. Three successful F-rank missions, and we'd rank up.

We were warned that there is a 4% death rate in this dungeon for people that go in by themselves. But only with those foolish enough to head to the second floor, alone. People who stay on the first floor almost never die, less than a tenth of a percent. That's not true of every dungeon, mind, some are brutal even to get to, because the monsters overrun and spawn outside. Most people solo this dungeon, but we decided to go in together as a party of three, with an observer in Theodore, along with us.

He swore he was not coming down there to fight too. As for what it cost of membership, well... the guild buys all the materials adventurers collect from missions for fixed prices, about 50% of what they charge to sell those same materials to the public. In exchange, the guild has discounts on healing services, and items for guild members. No annual fee or anything, and you're welcome to try your luck selling non-mission materials elsewhere. Seemed like a reasonably fair deal.

Everyone wins, but only one party is really risking their lives. Tons of people apparently sign up and never move past G-rank. We filled out our paperwork, and I borrowed a standard broad sword before Tiffany showed us to the Dungeon entrance. A big wooden door.

"Through this door, you're in the dungeon. Some folks have a second system that doesn't kick in until they set foot in their first dungeon, but most people don't have a second system, so you're probably all just fine." Tiffany stepped inside first, and a glittering, gem-studded tiara appeared on her head.

"And some items, such as this lovely piece, only exist within dungeons. Other dungeon loot gets to leave. You'll learn to spot the difference. This piece, however. Does nothing. It just looks pretty. You'll probably get a few. They drop like crazy. Totally worthless, except to check if you've wandered into a dungeon by mistake. There are caves that lead to dungeons out there."

"Any last minute advice?" Damon asked. He looked nervous. Lakshmi and I were both pretty calm. It was just a task to go into the basement and kill some rats... Alloprats, whatever. Same size critter, roughly.

"Try not to pass out if you see some alloprat blood." She patted him on the back as he stepped inside. Damon nodded, and steeled himself for battle. I tested the balance on my borrowed sword. It was pretty good, not perfect. I thumbed the edge. It was sharp enough to cut if I swung it, but it didn't exactly have a razor's edge. It's not like I was a skilled sword fighter, but I was up against rodent-lizards. I've always been much better with a gun.

Anyway, I'd killed at least three men with a bayonet in WWII, so a few little critters weren't a worry. We followed, no one had a bonus system activate. Tiffany marked that down before she gestured to the stairs down into the basement. I figured I might want the glasses working when we started looking at dungeon creatures and with a mere whisper of intention I turned them on. I noticed that Tiffany had 99/100 exp now. Things that aren't killing, or enchanting get exp too. Did signing us up get her exp?

Damon was at 44/100 exp. Lakshmi was at 23/300. Theodore was at 476/3000. It takes an extra zero to level up a Superman. That makes sense. The dungeon was, surprise-surprise, made of wood. The walls, the floor, the ceiling, the crates of barley and beer making supplies, all made of wood. My glasses identified the foodstuffs as 'dungeon fodder'. I would have to ask Herman what exactly that meant next time I talked to him. The alloprats were not made of wood. They were made of meat. Delicious meat.

And one had trundled out in front of us. Alloprat: 4/4 HP. 8 Defense. 1 Attack. I realized I had no idea what my own stats were, I'd tried glancing down at myself, but the glasses didn't show shit that way, except that my pants and shirt were enchanted, which I already knew. I was pretty sure I could kick Damon's ass, no problem. That also meant I could kick this lizard's ass too, most likely. I stepped up and, despite it trying to run, I stabbed it. It turned into a tiara on the end of my sword.

"How the hell are we supposed to collect the body if it turns into loot?" Lakshmi walked over and kicked another alloprat that had appeared from thin air next to me. Her armor appeared as she stepped into the kick. She was getting quite used to that spatial magic in her frog. I wasn't jealous... I was envious. Golden One! I couldn't wait to get my own spatial magic toy. It looked so damn fun. The alloprat she kicked into the wall hit the ground and had a single hitpoint left.

It stood there stunned and glowing with Lakshmi's magic. It even said so on my glasses. Alloprat (Stunned, Guidance): 1/4 HP. 0 Defense. 0 Attack.

"It's still alive. Damon, use your wand, and shoot it with fire."

"You've got this, buddy!" Theodore encouraged him. And with literal superman telling him he could do it, and Lakshmi's golden glowing Guidance magic, Damon pointed his wand at the alloprat and fired. A little ball with fire attached shot from the end of the wand and hit the alloprat. It died. This one left a corpse. Damon got 2 experience points, Lakshmi got none. These opponents were too low level? Or maybe because she didn't get the killing blow. A third one had appeared.

Tried to bite Theodore, but he turned and flicked it. Not sure if the dungeon turned it into nothing, or he did. He didn't get any experience for that either. I could lie to you and tell you that I knew it here and now that he gets most of his exp from writing up hot scoops into honest news, but I wouldn't rightly figure that out until later. I did suspect that The Man of Steel doesn't level up by killing, though. After three, they stopped spawning in the first room.

Tiffany had warned us that when they did that we'd need to move to the next room, unless we wanted to wait forty minutes. We moseyed along. This room's three alloprats were just as easily dispatched. But we did a little science. Lakshmi killed the first one with her hammer. No exp for anyone. I kicked one and let Damon finish it off. He got 2 exp. I have no idea if I got exp. I didn't feel anything, but then, no one seemed to feel themselves getting exp.

Then we had Theodore hold one, and let Damon shoot it, point blank. Damon got 2 exp, even though Theodore's not in the party. In the next room we had Damon start the fight with the alloprats by roasting one off the rip, and he got 2 exp, easily cooking the alloprat in one shot with his wand. The problem was, we were supposed to collect ten corpses, but two thirds of the time when you killed one it turned into a fucking worthless tiara, or nothing. I was wearing a tiara, by the way. We all were, before long.

Just for fun. I didn't live a whole century to not have some harmless whimsy now and then. And it's not like I hadn't been a pretty-pretty princess with my daughters, and grand daughters at tea time a time or two too. Once even in a tutu. Killing monsters in a tiara felt great. We carried on through the five rooms of the first floor. Kind of a shitty Dungeon, really. One path, no side rooms, no treasure chests, just three or four shitty lizard rats in each room.

"Well, they said going down to the second floor can get more dangerous, but we only have half of what we need and I don't really want to wait around to do it again from the start." I said, giving my borrowed blade a flourish.

"Besides, I think we can handle it if a few more of them come at us at once."

"I'm game." Lakshmi said.

"I-I suppose I'm ready."

"Don't worry Citizens, I'll make sure you all get out safe. No one is dying for this scoop." Theodore got 8 exp, and my initial suspicion that he got exp for being more supermany... manish? Superman-like! Being more superman-like is how he leveled up.

"Last one down the stairs is a rotten fart!" I declared. Sword first, I was the first down the stairs as we entered the second level of the West Starter Dungeon.