Chương 21: The Bone Zone

"So, Boss! What do you need from us?" Bone Cruncher asked.

"Are we fighting this vampire?" Bone Crusher asked.

"Have at you!" Bone Cracker put up his dukes and readied to fight, zipping up to eye level with Steven. I sighed.

"No. You're not doing any vampire slaying today, and if you are one day, probably not that one. He works for me. Do you think you three could manage to make me a meal?" I checked my watch. It was 0630.

"Breakfast. Please."

"OHHHH YEah!!!!", "Breakfast is the BEST!", "Most Important MEAL, BROTHER!!!" The bone basher fairies zipped off into the kitchen to make use of what was in the fridge. Leftover ingredients from yesterday's hallmark movie breakfast. Balance: 3, 432, 220. 29"Holy shit!"

"Check your balance?" Steven said.

"They split your share to you by throwing the coins at your face while you slept."

"What? Really?"

"Ha! No." Steven chuckled.

"I would have, but Lakshmi insisted on putting it in your hand. Boring! We could have at least stuck a gold piece up your nose. Since they all left though, I have flicked a dozen coppers at you while you slept, your power sure as shit works while you're sleepin'."

"Thanks… for testing that?" I shook my head.

"What about your share of the microwaves, how many did you sell?"

"Ten, and all the knives, but that's not important right now." Steven had that greedy look in his eye, "Apparently that two-phase fogwall bossfight you guys defeated dropped something else too. Something the three of you need to discuss… A Wartome."

"What the hell is a Wartome?"

"A Book."

"Great, thanks. Does it have swords on the cover? Was it written by Sun Tzu" I asked.

"What does it do and why do I need to talk it over with Lakshmi and Damon? I'm a day old baby Steven, educate me." Calling myself a baby made him look viscerally uncomfortable for a moment. I chuckled. He did not. Then he rolled his eyes and explained.

"It's a book that gives you a special unique skill. They seem to think you'll be able to identify which one for some reason. Something about nominally legal glasses. Lakshmi has it in her frog for now. You guys were fucking busy as hell yesterday."

"I think…" I stroked my chin in thought, and the stubble was very… stubbly.

"I need to shave."

"You do have a bit thicker than peach fuzz coming in." Steven stroked his own hairless face.

"I don't grow facial hair anymore. Perk of being undead I suppose." I went to stand, and I almost fell back down onto the couch. Your big toe does a lot of work for that whole standing thing, much less the entire foot. I was not used to only having one. Steven blurred over and caught me before I fell down.

"Good news about the whole foot thing is that this sort of problem is temporary here in the second world, if you've got enough money to buy a regeneration potion, or know a high level cleric. I think Lakshmi is getting one before she comes back. A potion."

"Thank you, Steven." I tested my balance and found it workable. I patted his hand to let him know he could let me go, I could walk into the bathroom on my own.

"Keep an eye on my fairies and make sure they don't burn the place down." The little boneheads had managed to mix up some pancake batter, cracked an egg and measured the milk and everything. They had the electric skillet plugged in and turned on. One of them was struggling with all his might to lift the little mixing bowl and pour the batter alone. The other two came to help him and the three of them poured out six pancakes on the skillet working together.

I left the bathroom door open and set to work shaving my stubbly face. The hot water was actually hot here, pretty instantly. For a free apartment, that was pretty nice, really.

"Any other interesting news from last night? Meet any interesting characters selling microwaves and such?" I splashed my face with warm water, and… Balance: 3, 431, 397. 17 I spent over eight hundred dollars on a fancy ebony wood handled straight razor and an extremely over the top fancy shaving kit. Fuck it, I was rich again. I should have nice things. I took off my shirt and got to work lathing up my shaving cream with my brush before applying it to my face.

"I know you probably don't know shit about vampire politics," Steven said, "but I think I sold a microwave to someone from the Pale Court."

"I heard that name about town today," No need to get into the fact that they might be holding my wife prisoner, for now. I poked my half-lathered face out of the bathroom and said, "Tell me more about them."

"Pale Court?" Steven grimaced.

"Vampire supremacists. They have some of the oldest, nastiest blood mages in all of the second world. Buncha dickheads that think regular people should be treated like cattle."

"Sounds like the kind of folks you don't want to get mixed up with." I used my cherry wood handled shaving brush to apply the rest of the shaving cream to my face.

"You're damn right I don't, but I'm also a young vampire, and refusing to do business with them when they were offering a fair price would be social, and possibly actual suicide."

"Murder," I corrected, and made the first stroke with my new razor. It was worth the price.

"if someone else kills you, it's murder."

"Whatever. Suicide by cop was still suicide in the last world, and we call suicide by Watcher suicide, here, not murder."

"Oh, I'm sure." I continued to shave as I expounded on my disdain for overbearing police.

"The government loves it when you place the blame for the death on the dead, and not the legalized violence enforcers that got out of hand and took it way the fuck too far."

"Damn Johnny, that's pretty anti-cop of you. Are you sure you were a boomer?" Steven asked.

"God dammit son, no, I was not a fucking boomer." I rinsed my razor and got to work on my moustache area, "My children were boomers, I was born in the back half of the Greatest Generation. Ha, what a name for a generation." The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

"Fuck you were old," Steven said, and when I pointed at him with the straight razor he tacked on, "But you super cool old guys did beat Hitler. Totally earned that generational title. Great work."

"My greatest regret from that war is that the bastard killed himself before we got there to do it for him." I was about to say something else when the teleporter started charging up to deposit someone. I rinsed my razor again and checked my face in the mirror. There was the standard, expected flash of light of someone arriving, and Lakshmi stood there with her hair a little messed up and gigantic smile plastered on her face. She had her jeans on, and her black t-shirt untucked.

She had her shoes in her hands, and looked altogether disheveled. My fairies were still hard at work on making breakfast, there was bacon and eggs cooking, and a nice stack of pancakes growing ever larger. One of them zipped away to greet the newest guest. The little overly macho man fairy in his little pink tutu flew up into her face, and in his strained voice said, "Heyyyyoo there pretty lady, welcome to the BONE ZONE!!!" The other two both gave a hearty "Ohhh yeaaahhhh!!!"

At 'The bone zone'"Will you be joining Johnny for breakfast?"

"From one bone zone to another." Lakshmi laughed.

"Yeah, I slipped out before the proprietor of the last one woke up. Breakfast sounds wonderful, Bone Cruncher." I imagine his name was in green for her as he was my 'minion' and we were still in a party. Steven snorted down laugh, and managed a "Welcome back."

"Have a good evening after I got my leg bit off?" I asked as I touched up a few little spots I'd missed.

"Thrilling," she said.

"Frank proved his worth as an A rank tank. Try as I might, I couldn't crush his pelvis with mine."

"Ha!" I sliced my face.

"Ow, fuck. Lakshmi, I was shaving with a straight razor in here. Can you come patch me up?" She tossed her shoes and socks on the ground in the corner of the bathroom as she walked in and I realized her bra was also wrapped in there when the bundle all stuck together under it's elastic power..

"Oh boy, I get to touch the face of a handsome shirtless gentleman man for the second time this morning." She looked like her face must hurt, she was smiling so hard. It wasn't because of me either, believe me.

"I love the second world, Johnny. It's been fantastic, in every sense of the word. I had to Xhumparo my loins so I could even walk straight this morning to use Frank's teleporter to come back."

"Uhh… Congrats?"

"Thanks." Her hand started glowing and she used her non-glowing hand to grab and hold my 99% shaven face. It was not romantic, it was clinical, and doctory. She clicked her tongue at me as she sealed my super clean little cut back up.

"Thanks."

"You lost enough blood last night, no losing any more for a few days, okay?" Now she sounded like my worried sister when I was a boy and scraped my knee. She turned off her glowing finger and walked to the shower in my tiny cramped bathroom and turned the hot water on.

"You're almost done in here, right?"

"Yeah, lemme rinse my face off." I swiped off the last little spot that had stubble and washed my razor off, and then my face. When I turned around, Lakshmi's clothes were in a pile and she was in the shower with the curtain drawn. So glad I bought one that wasn't see through. I grabbed my shirt and closed the door as I left the bathroom with my awkward peg leg. I immediately turned around and went back into the bathroom.

"Hey, did you get a regeneration potion for my leg?"

"Oh, yes!" Lakshmi said.

"Stick your fingers in my frog and think purple thoughts, it should come immediately." I heard Steven laughing and saying something to the Bone fairies.

"Where is your frog?"

"In my pants pocket."

"Great." I rifled through her pants and fingered her frog.

"Ohh, but can you wait to take it until I'm there, I want to watch."

"I'm just going to let you get it then." I had not thought sufficiently purple thoughts, apparently, and her frog wouldn't cough it up. As I stepped out and closed the door again there was a knock on the front door. Steven blurred over to answer it. Vampire butler.

"Theodore! Welcome back to the fine home of Grandpa Johnny." He bowed with over the top flamboyance and stepped out of the way to welcome him in.

"One more for breakfast Boys!"

"OHHHH YEAHHH!!!" The three little fairies accelerated their work, burning an approximation of what I'd made yesterday.

"Thank you Steven. Sorry about before, I uhh… wasn't expecting a friendly Vampire." Steven wiggled his fingers, "All healed, no harm no foul my friend."

"Johnny!" The Man of Steel came over and clapped me gently on the shoulder.

"Glad to see you awake again. I carried you all the way home for your friends. The guild record said you were teleportation averse."

"I uh… I am." God damn bureaucrats.

"I think it's because I'm manaless." As Steven was about to close the door, Damon pushed his way in. He looked surprisingly bright eyed and bushy-tailed.

"You guys! I leveled up when I slept! I'M LEVEL ONE!"

"Ah god dammit, you beat me to leveling up?" Steven smiled at patted him on the back.

"About time!"

"Uhh, Congrats!" I summoned my glasses to my face by thinking about trying to see how many hitpoint he had now. Six. He had six.

"Get any new cool spells?"

"I did, watch this!" He drew a circle in the air with his hand, and a green shimmering light with arcane symbols popped into the air. He said, " Harbeejo Jrem!" and it pulsed and flickered, seemingly empowered. He walked into his circle and started to glow, and then touched Steven. He walked and patted Theodore, and then me.

"What did you just do to us?" I felt a tingle for a moment, and then it faded.

"I gave you all spidey senses!" Damon beamed, "Okay, so the effect might not be as good as spider-man's but it should help you react faster if there is danger while the spell is active."

"Uhh, thanks?" Theodore wasn't sure what to make of that.

"Spider-man. Is that another comic like Superman?"

"Holy shit, I gotta fix this right now." Balance: 3, 431, 272. 73 A pile of comic books appeared. Mostly superman comics, but a little batman and spider man thrown in, and some of the marvel ones too.

"Now THAT'S what I'm talking about Grandpa! Why the fuck am I selling microwaves!?" Steven asked, he blurred over and looked through half the stack, adding a dozen superman comics to Theodore's hands before he found a Blade comic.

"Oh fuck yes!"

"I should read these, immediately?" Theodore asked"Read as you eat, BROTHERS!" The Bone Crusher zipped between us, "Breakfast is ready!" The Bone Cruncher zipped over, "Do you want one of us to go… inform the lady in the shower?"

"LAKSHMI! BREAKFAST!" I shouted. And then, I realized that I was in an apartment, and I might have neighbors below or above, even if the rest of the hall was still empty. Oops. It didn't take her long to appear, dressed and with a towel on her head. Theodore and I stood up when she entered the room, Damon and Steven did not… until we did.

"Oh, pish posh boys, you don't need to do all that for me." She said, but as she sidled up to the small table and found there was no room left, It was Theodore that offered his chair to her first.

"But don't stop being super chivalrous and polite, I kind of love it." While standing Theodore showed off his own super speed and wolfed down his portion of breakfast as served by the Bone Brothers, so that all he'd have left to do was enjoy our conversation and company, and read his comic book. The bone fairies served Lakshmi, and they then zipped over to me.

"Your hour is almost up boss. Any last minute tasks?"

"Take five bone bros, have a beer." Balance: 3, 431, 245. 17 I bought a 24 pack of German pilsners.

"OH YEEAAAAHHH!!!" Theodore popped the tops off a few. One for him, one for me, one for the fairies, and one for Lakshmi.

"What? Seems like a breakfast beer kind of day. I have plenty of hours stored up, I can take a day off from real work, and besides, you're still a scoop, Johnny." We ate and sipped our beers and Theodore read Superman.

"Holy smokes, this is me!" The instant he said it, I saw the little alert that said I'd leveled up.