Chương 1: All Religions Are Wrong

So I died. I didn't get hit by a truck, or overwork myself to death, or any of that other isekai clap-trap, but I still got reincarnated. I lived to 104, and died of cancer on its sixth try for fuck's sake... I'm not supposed to get isekaied, I lived a good, long, full life. The end should be the end. I only know what this isekai shit is because my grandson showed me, and I ain't had nothing to do in bed these last couple years but watch tv.

It was nice to spend time with him watching anime, even if it was mostly on damn zoom. And it ain't all trash neither, it seems, some of these Japanese cartoon shows made me feel real feelings. The trash was good tv too, trash tv has always been a guilty pleasure. Anyhow, god or whoever decided I needed to have another go around. I vaguely remember someone telling me I could pick a superpower or special isekai-style skill for this new world. Everyone there was isekaied, and everyone got their own thing.

I figured most folks would pick fighting skills, but I'd seen enough of that in my first life. Soldier from 18 to 50; 1941-1973. Well, I decided on the same power I'd been using to make people happy as best I could from a hospital bed, Online Shopping. I'd spent my last few years sending things to my grand kids, my great-grand kids, and wouldn't you know, even a great-great-grandbaby was born. I sent her a welcome to the world kit I'd put together and then died the day after her momma brought her to meet me.

That was a good ending, a nice full circle, a wholesome end to a well lived life. I was ready for oblivion... but nooo, I live again. I used to help random internet folks too, some mother needing money for treatment for her kid, or a man trying to build a well for his village in Africa, that sort of thing. Every day I'd give a few thousand dollars to this or that. I happened to make a killing selling stolen Nazi war booty. Don't tell Uncle Sam, but I managed to sneak off with a handful of solid gold bars.

I used to feel bad about it, up until 'Nam. After that I felt like it was just and right to be able to take care of my family and the boys that got messed up bad fighting under me when the government wouldn't. I did good with what I stole from evil, as best I could. And that's what I'd do when I got to the next world, if I was able.

There was a big portal everyone walked through when we first arrived. A veritable swarm of bureaucrats - that I would later learn was made entirely of people born here - flocked out and collected the endless stream of newcomers. Everyone from Earth gets isekaied. Everyone.

"Name, age, and year of death?" A comely, young, raven-haired woman in a neat black pantsuit said. She was flanked by two burly looking gentlemen that could be her big brothers. I could see by the commotion over yonder that they're there in case their little sister needs help dealing with me.

"Grandpa Johnny, 104, 2025, I think." My voice sounded... younger than I remember.

"Wait... how old do I look?"

"104?! Nice work Johnny. That's a new record for me. Oldest newcomer yet." She wrote down what I said onto a clipboard in her hands.

"Why do I sound so... holy-moly my knees don't hurt!" I did a squat. A SQUAT! Without knee pain.

"Everyone comes out of the portal in perfect health, sir. A fit body that's roughly twenty-one. Let's walk and talk." She started walking, her brothers pulled up behind me. They didn't shove, but I got the feeling that if I didn't start moving my feet again soon, they would. So I followed along. Also, it was nice to be able to walk around again without a walker. And at a regular pace, no less. It'd been... a decade? More.

"Sorry to be pushy, but if we don't keep the traffic moving... well lets just keep the traffic moving, yes?" Her smile didn't touch her eyes. Can't blame her, this has got to be one hell of a customer service job.

"I... Sure thing." She set a brisk pace, but nothing my spry new body couldn't keep up with. Jesus the last time I was this fit was... I shook off the ancient memories and took in my surroundings as I walked. There was a man - not even half a football field from me - that started to 'hulk out'. They shot him with a dozen darts full of neon pink fluid and he just passed out... then started dissolving.

Twenty seconds later there was another newbie and their 'entourage' of one small, polite woman, and two large, burly gentlemen walking over where he'd been. Like it never happened." Violence in the portal chamber is strictly prohibited." A stern warning played over a PA.

"Some folk's time here is very short indeed," the young woman, my personal government assigned little sister, said.

"Seems so." I followed her into a massive welcoming hall, one of what seemed to be a handful of them branching off the massive portal chamber. The walls of this room were lined with what looked to me like elevator doors. I soon found out, they were not. We got in line. This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"So, not to be rude, but I told you my name, could you at least let me know yours back?"

"It's best if we don't share that information." The elevator doors opened, and a foursome stepped inside. There was a sizzling sound and flash of light that shone through the cracks in the door.

"Can you share, what the hell that was?"

"Teleportation circle, newbie. Nothin' to worry about," One of the big brothers behind me said. I tried to keep my eyebrows from skyrocketing off my face and said, "Hmm... interesting." We waited patiently. Another couple newcomers got pink goo gunned. One tried to start using magic attack spells, shouting something about being the next great archmage, but the big brothers apparently know counter spelling quite proficiently. The pink goo darts worked on wizards just as well they had on that hulk.

The other guy, I'm not sure what he did, but he got shot with a load of darts. These times, I was aware of where they came from. I didn't soldier away my youth to fail to spot a sniper, much less dozens of them all lined up in the walls above me not even hiding.

"As long as you don't do anything stupid, you don't need to worry about them," my little sister said to me, noticing my gaze.

"Come along Grandpa Johnny, we're next." I stepped inside the teleporter chamber, and my escort followed. When we were inside, she said, " Ahooliminx Notoroth, Delta Eight housing. Activate." You ever go down a waterslide backwards? Or should I say up a waterslide? The sensation was like being pulled headfirst and falling up, and when we arrived I felt like the tip of my head remained in place and my whole body was shoved through it and rearranged mirrored from how I started.

I could swear that for a few seconds when I tried to wiggle my left fingers, the right ones moved. We were in a one bedroom studio, what looked like forty stories up in a skyscraper from the window view. My living room/kitchen/bedroom was small, but adequate for a single twenty one year old male. I looked down and saw that my wooden floor had a sizzling magic circle drawn into the floor.

I glanced up and noticed the same in the ceiling, surrounding it were four soft white can-lights, illuminating my studio apartment.

"How're you feeling? Any adverse reactions to the teleporter?"

"That was a wild ride, but... I've jumped outta airplanes, so I'm fine." I tried to smile, but quickly found myself dry heaving. One of the brothers handed me a small trash can, just in case I managed to get anything out. Not that I'd ever eaten anything in this body.

"The nausea should fully fade within a day or so. I'll mark you down as teleportation averse." She made notes.

"I apologize for the inconvenience."

"Oh it's alright," without thinking, I had started accessing my power. In my mind's eye I could see the webpage, I searched for 'pepto tablets' and hit 'buy now'. A small box of pink, off-brand stomach settling tablets appeared in my hand. Balance: -11. 53 Her brothers reacted before I even realized what I'd done wrong. They had me in gentle, but firm hold, one on each arm. Their grip said they were ready to rip me in half needed, and I knew well enough not to struggle, they had me dead to rights, fast.

"Johnny. What're these? A weapon? Some kind of super power up pills?" My little sister asked, snatching my box of pink tablets.

"A weapon against puking and shittin' myself. It's just some stomach settling tablets." My stomach gurgled, I realized I was hungry.

"What? It doesn't..." She started reading the packaging, her eyes went wide.

"How did you get this?"

"Internet."

"Is THAT your power? Let him go boys." They released me. She was suddenly all business again.

"Johnny, we normally don't allow the use of powers in this dormitory, without some paperwork, however I think we may end up making an exception for you. Why don't you tell me the truth, what's your power?"

"I got Online Shopping, apparently it just materializes whatever I order." The apartment's lighting flashed green.

"Telling the full truth, first time? Johnny you are a rare wonder." She scribbled notes.

"Could you order me some lavender scented shampoo?" A moment later and a large bottle of her requested shampoo appeared.

"I hope it is to your satisfaction." Balance: -47. 42 She took a moment to study the lid before she pressed down one side with her thumb to pop the top, and sniffed.

"Ahh, lovely. Real lavender doesn't actually grow in this half of the world." She smiled a real smile. I saw it. It briefly touched her eyes before her customer service mask slipped back in place.

"I'll put in an exception case for you. It should be fine to start using your power now, unless and until they rule otherwise."

"Thanks. Who is they?"

"The Bureaucracy. I should say we, since we all work for them, but someone else, up the chain will decide if I was wrong when they audit my work from today, tomorrow. We keep this portal from becoming chaos. Let chaos happen out there in the world outside of Nexus town. Inside of Nexus town unapproved and dangerous power use will activate the nearest teleport, and watchers will come. Watchers have those pink syrup guns. They are automatons, so be very careful around them, they do not understand nuance well.

Don't kill anyone."

"I see."

"You may live here for one year without paying, after which time a rent will be collected if you choose to stay. Gruel quality meals are free, anything better than that and you're on your own. There is running water and power. Also a mana-tap, though I think that'll be worthless, as your power is... not mana based, I don't think."

"Should I have charged you for that shampoo?" She smiled and withdrew a coin purse from her jacket and handed me three silver coins, all of which immediately vanished. Balance: 1152. 58"Are... you sure this was a fair price?"

"Ha ha! Hell no, man. I am absolutely ripping you off." This time her smile blatantly touched her eyes, "This would cost more than a gold piece in a boutique. Consider this your bribe to grease the wheels on your permanent permission to use your powers here."

"Oh. Great. I think I'm going to really like it here."