Chương 16: Hopefully the Demon Queen has some too

Herman Buster's was as big inside as it was supposed to be. Smelled oddly of buttered popcorn inside.

"You befriended your stalker?" Lakshmi asked, turning to face us.

"How very Johnny of you."

"Not a stalker, ma'am, just a large journalist." Theodore smiled.

"I came out three heads taller than I used to be. I was trying to follow discreetly, but uhh... I suppose I do stand out in a crowd, now."

"Jesus, Johnny, look at him." Lakshmi said, "He looks like Superman."

"Holy moly!" Damon said. The pangolin man added "Gadzooks, he does!" I took a beat to process that that man was also a pangolin. Yup. Little scales, cute lil' cone shaped face, small hands, hunched posture, long scaly tail. Pangolin. Err, Pangolin shifter. He wore a shirt over his armored exterior, and a noted lack of pants.

"I've got no idea what you're all talking about." Not Clark Kent said. And you know what? I actually believed him.

"Everyone, this is Theodore. Not Teddy, Theodore." I clapped him on the shoulder and I felt I'd slapped a building. Good gods, that was a solid man.

"Hello Theodore. Welcome to the shop!" Another shifter came from a saloon door that led into the back. Their voice said 'excited fast-mover', but... the fuzzy, bearcatman-guy that sauntered out said 'half-way to sloth'. He was not a fast-mover. Also, not a sloth. He was a... some kind of furry... guy.

"What kind of shifter are you?" I blurted out.

"I mean, animal-wise."

"I'm a Binturong!" He stepped up to the counter and set a pair of glasses before Lakshmi, and another three pairs in front of Damon.

"And I don't blame you for not knowing. No one does. Couldn't have been a dog... no." The pangolin man cleared his throat in my direction and waved me over.

"Your friends tell me you might have some bifocals you want enchanted. And that you are manaless." Theodore joined me in walking over to the pangolin man.

"That still feels like personal medical information, but yeah." I showed him the glasses I had been given.

"Ahh, Jimmy does fine work does he not?" The Pangolin man's smile was more creepy than comforting, but I tried not to hold that against him. I'm sure that's a struggle for many shifters, since normally an animal smiling at you is a threat.

"What kind of enchantments are you looking for?"

"I'd like to be able to know the quality of materials I can summon. That'd help me price things appropriately. And if it could tell me what sorts of things they can be used for." I did a little chef's kiss move to indicate how perfect that would be.

"And I'd also really like to be able to see what class and level someone is at a glance, maybe drill in and understand their skills and such if I stare longer. Sochi had a magnifying glass like that."

"Sochi a government worker? Portal chamber?"

"Aye."

"Ah, that explains it. That sort of enchantment isn't legal without certain licenses and such. Bounty hunter's guild and government folk only." Pangolin man frowned, it almost made me laugh. Pangolin faces aren't supposed to be so emotive.

"I see. What about guys with a divine commandment to face the Demon Queen and do what must be done?" I'm not sure why I brought that up. Maybe because the newsboy was there, and I knew he was listening. I wanted to get my story out, before I died a horrible death to the Demon Queen, just in case that happened before I rejoined my dear wife. At least that way, hopefully, she'd hear about my fate eventually.

Theodore was taking notes on all of this, so I had high hopes my dearest darling wife would eventually figure out what happened to me if the worst happened.

"Vhat did you say your name vas again? Sonny?" An older sounding man said from somewhere behind the saloon doors. He grunted. Getting to his feet I bet. I know that grunt, it came in at about sixty for me. Every time I stood up, a grunt.

"Johnny, sir." I replied loud enough that he could hear me, even though he was out of sight, and maybe slightly hard of hearing.

"Hmmm..." He pushed the swinging doors out of his way as he entered. He wore eight pairs of glasses across the top of his baldy head, and another over his eyes. Wisps of white adorned the sides of his head, but the top of the landscape was as barren as the most desolate desert.

"Divine commandments are zeerious business." He swapped glasses and stared at me, like he was boring into my soul.

"Oh great, now you got him going," the Binturong said.

"Herman, you can't legally do those enchantments here. Do you wanna get goo'd?"

"I can't legally get you de-stinked eizher, und yet, I'm still trying to figure out a vay to get zhis done." Herman replied.

"Johnny, how about ve let mine employees serve your friends, and you come vizh me. Let's talk Demon Qveen." The binturong man muttered something about a lack of isekai HR departments, and pissing on the floor for spite before he folded away a portion of the counter they were all behind, allowing me access. Herman beckoned me back.

"Come, come. Ve have much to discuss." Theodore followed me as I walked behind the counter. I wasn't going to tell actual Superman to back off, and it seemed, neither was Herman. He'd probably been using illegal enchantments to clock our powers as he stared at us, and didn't want to beef with non-kryptonian Superman either.

"A steely, handzome, blue-eyed journo, huh? Vell, ve may have to have some of zhis converzation, off ze record." Herman smiled, a big, several teeth replaced with gold, smile.

"Come come, ve vill talk in my office." Theodore asked the question I had, "Why, or maybe how, do you have an accent? I thought everyone spoke a unified language here." Oh shit, I hadn't really thought about that... How American of me. I just assumed we were speaking and writing English, but suddenly I realized those were not English letters I'd been reading or writing... or speaking. And standing there in the entry to Herman Buster's office, I couldn't for the life of me tell you what English letters looked like.

Swoopy? Sharp? Ragged? I could read these runes just fine. Even my website was in the runes. Apparently, these were the only letters I knew.

"Oh, you are brand new," Herman laughed.

"Zhat's zhe look of a man realizing he's got a new mozher tongue. Delightful."

"What language am I speaking now then?" I asked. Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Vesterling," he said, but I think it was spelled Westerling.

"I understand zhat I have an accent. Zhis ist because I came from zhe east gate. My second vorld mozher tongue ist Easterling. Zhey say zhat if you vere an English speaker in zhe first vorld zhat I sound like I have a very zhick stereotype of a German accent, here. It's funny, I vas an American before. I vas a Texan. I sold vacuum cleaners to ditzy housevives in ze zixties."

"Well, they're not wrong, you do kinda sound like a German stereotype." I shook my head. Weird.

"So what are the other languages of this world? I'm assuming each gate has its own."

"Ja, you are a qvick one Johnny. In zhe norzh, zhey speak Yaravarian, at least as the Vesterlings call it. In zhe souzh zhey speak Vet Tuchankan. Und if you ever hear someone speaking Frostic or Shivverian, run, or kill zhem if you can. Zhose monsters come from zhe poles, vhere only zhe vorst of zhe vorst of zhe first vorld come. Rapists, pedophiles, murderers, Hitler types."

"As a man who killed more than one other human in the first world, I'm glad I didn't end up there."

"Ja, but I azzume by zhe pants you're vearing zhat you vere a soldier. It zeems zhat vhatever rules of karma ve suffer under don't punish zoldiers that only killed because it vas zheir job. Didn't punish me either, Sergeant Johnny. Zhere is a pile of Nazi corpses at bozh poles though. Very heartvarming to scry. I look around up and down zhere once or tvice a year."

"I think I've made and seen enough Nazi corpses for two lifetimes, already." I said, and then attempted to change the subject.

"So what do you know of the Demon Queen?"

"Only zat I don't stand a chance vith her." A sort of wistful melancholy touched his eyes.

"Vhen I vas a younger man, I set out as an adventurer, zeeking fame und fortune. Ha!"

"As one does," I said.

"Indeed. Zo I found a party, and ve cleared zum dungeons, ve leveled und I grew powerful, in time. But party members had died, und new ones joined. Do you know zhe ship of Theseus? Of course you do." He plopped back down in the chair he'd likely got up from in the first place.

"Zum fellow whose name I can't even recall had zhe dream zhat our group vould face down zhe Demon Qveen. He died vell before ve met her, but zhe party carried on his dream. It became zhe whole reason for our continued existence."

"Did you meet her?"

"I vill never forget her vivid blue eyes und zhat fiery red hair." Huh? My wife had red hair and vivid blue eyes. There's no way though. She couldn't possibly ever become someone called the Demon Queen. She was the sort to take a spider outside, she wouldn't murder the actual Buddha.

"So you faced the Demon Queen and lived to tell the tale?" Theodore asked, not butting in, just doing what he did, what he had to do. He smelled a scoop and he was chasing it.

"HA!" Herman slapped his leg.

"She could have killed us all if she vanted to, but she let us live. None of us vas even close to vorthy of doing battle vizh her ourselves. Her generals handled us easily. But she vatched. Vearing zhat Vhite dress, looked like a vedding dress. Is it crazy to say zhat she vas beautiful?"

"Was she beautiful?" Theodore asked.

"Oh yes, she vas, immaculate." Herman closed his eyes to picture her.

"Like an ivory zculpture of Aphrodite, vith billowing flames from her head. I nearly stayed in the demon realm to try to court her after ve vere zoundly defeated. I could have vasted eternity lost in zhose eyes. Zhey say whoever she marries vill live forever, but I knew she wouldn't have me."

"That beautiful huh? That's how I felt about my wife in the first world." I said. I pictured her with horns, and I'll be damned, I still wanted her so badly it hurt.

"Right. Vell, If you're going to have to face zhe Demon Qveen, zhen ve should make certain zhat you can pick a good party." I wasn't sure when he'd got the glasses from the Pangolin, I was too distracted by him talking, but he started looking them over and glowing softly.

"Zhese glasses I've been scanning you vizh tell me bozh you boys are nice men. Big fella, I'd prefer you not publish zhat I have zhem, or vhat I'm putting on zhis pair."

"What are you putting on those glasses? And what's it going to cost me?"

"On zhe whole zhing, General Appraisal B-tier, zhat'll vork for people and items. Not going to find a high level curse or anyzhing, but that boy out zhere is running an identifying spell that'll work just fine for you in that facet. On zhe main lens, Longsight and Farsight. Don't vorry about zhe difference, you will be able to zoom in if you zhink about it hard enough. Und I know, no mana version."

"Uh, Thanks?"

"Oh, I vas not done. On zhe bifocal part I have added a pricing index. It vill give you vhat zhe adventurer's guild down zhe vay vill pay for zhings, it vill update automatically, as long as zhose idiots at zhe guild keep zheir end up to date. It vill not price everyzhing. Dungeon loot zhat is too unique is hard to price. I hope you find it useful."

"And what is this going to cost him, Herman? These... Marginally illegal enchantments." Theodore asked.

"Illegal schmemegal." Herman harumphed.

"Nozhing I'm giving him is fully forbidden. Just, pretend he has special divine authority."

"I do." I lied. Or... maybe told the truth? Theodore and Herman both laughed.

"Go vait outside vith your friends, zhese vill be free."

"Why?"

"Because my god has made a bet on zhe side of your god." Theodore leaned down and whispered to me, "Behind that stack of cloth, there is an orb, showing the view from a different pair of glasses every few seconds. I think he's enchanted them to be able to see your view." I nodded, and then loud enough for Herman to hear, I said, "Thank you Herman, I won't disappoint either of our gods."

"Good, now get out. I need ten minutes to vork." He switched glasses again, and I swear he started welding as we stepped back out of his office. I didn't see Lakshmi and Damon. Just two strange men talking with the Pangolin man and the Binturong man.

"Theodore, come here and put these on." Lakshmi's voice said, from a mild-mannered looking man's body. He took them off and she was standing there, holding Groucho Marx glasses.

"Oh, bully! Disguise glasses." Theodore left the back of the shop, and I followed him. He put on the glasses and I swear, the enchantment didn't work on him, he looked... exactly the same, but... somehow completely disguised with just a pair of glasses on. The damn nose and mustache disappeared too.

"We'll take four pair of these, and the sunglasses. And whatever Johnny's getting from your boss." Lakshmi said, fishing money from the frog's mouth.

"He said he'd be about ten minutes," I said.

"That means he'll be an hour," The binturong said.

"Sorry, feel free to play with the disguise glasses while you wait." There were glasses that made you look like a random unimportant lady too. They were like Groucho glasses with the nose, but they had huge eyebrows instead of a mustache. Different common shifter types too. Cat people, dog people, horse people, you get the idea, all with the appropriate groucho muzzles. I embraced being young again, as Lakshmi and Theodore had.

Damon was enjoying the disguise glasses bin exactly as much as a not quite teen boy ought to be. So we killed the hour we ended up waiting for my special specs to be ready playing 'Who the heck are you?' the game Damon made up right there on the spot. The only kind of glasses that didn't really work for Theodore were the human man ones.

Though, he was the size of a horse no matter what disguise specs he put on, so it was a rough game for him, though he played it kindly, and with the grace of a man who was, or would be a good dad.

"Zhey are vundebar! Zum of mine finest verk." Herman shouted as he pushed through the saloon doors.

"I have added much more zhan I told you I vould... ehh, because I could. I gave zhem an enchantment zhat vill level up vith you. Come come, take zhem from my hand. Zhey vill bind to whoever touches zhem next."

"Sir, you cursed an item you're selling to a customer?" The pangolin man was aghast.

"Firstly, zhey are not cursed, zhey vill just be unpilferable. Only he vill be able to take zhem off, and zhey vill have zheir own item box just for zhemselves. Und zecond, I am doing zhe enchantment's for free, vich means ve do not have to report ze sale."

"Cunning as ever, sir," the binturong said. I walked over and despite some part of me telling me not to, I took the 'cursed' glasses. The moment I touched them, they were on my face. I swept my gaze over my party, they had name tags, in green, hovering over the top of them. Theodore's name was in blue. After looking at them for a moment I noticed they all had health bars. This is like what Lakshmi said she sees all the time. The more I looked, the more I saw. They had numbers, and below the health bar were symbols.

A heart, a shield, and a sword. Damon: 4/4 HP. 12 Defense. 2 Attack. Lakshmi: 36/36 HP. 24 Defense. 8 Attack. Theodore: 999/999 HP. 999 Defense. 999 Attack. I blinked away all the information as it started drilling deeper and it stopped assailing me, returning to just names and health bars, without numbers. These new bifocals would take some getting used to, and I had to keep in mind that anything I could see, Herman could see too, probably stats included.

"Thank you all for the entertainment, and the glasses," I said.

"But I think we need to go down to the adventurer's guild and check that out next."