Chương 962: Day Nine Hundred And Sixty

Dear Diary, I think I may have to subcontract the execution of these fuckin' Spartans. Either that or resign myself to the fact that when I catch them, I'm dumping a bunch of guilt on my plate that I'll need to work through. Seriously, I'm still not fully copacetic with what happened with those Spartans and that one Athenian over in Europa. Yeah, they definitely deserved death, and I was the one there willing and able to carry out the execution.

Maybe they even deserved a painful death, although as I've mentioned before, there's a kind of, I dunno, trauma karma that happens to the person deliberately handing out that kind of hurt. Strange, I feel worse about those Spartans than I do about Diana. I guess part of that is because at the end of the day I Revived her, with another big part being how she basically told me she deserved it. I think some of it, though, is that I wasn't pissed at her when I did it.

Everything I did was calm, collected, and fully controlled. At this point, I don't even really feel guilty about it. Horrified, traumatized, yes, but not guilty. I'm not sure I ever really felt guilty, really. That's something I've got a big problem with, maybe. Then again, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. When I get all up in my feels, I can't separate them. They're overwhelming, and I can't even identify them, let alone process them. That's when I lash out.

Well, okay, 'lash out' isn't the only thing that happens. I'm pretty sure I've had similar situations with positive emotions, like on our wedding night. Yeah, some of what we did was just fun, but other stuff was kinda over the top. I wasn't angry at all at Marie, and I definitely don't feel guilty, but I fuckin' cracked the solid stone of the mountain granulating my Murder Mittens pelvis. She wanted it, and we both got the kind of over the top climaxes out of that shit poets write about as life changing.

I mean, she hadn't birthed kittens before and now she has, so that's kind of a life change, but it's not like she hadn't adopted five kids plus Isnomi and Ria. She was definitely already a mom. But swinging back from my daily diversion, I'm thinking I feel bad about the Spartans not because I killed them, because they deserved that shit, and I may be one of the few people on the planet who can reliably execute Spartans. Not even really because of how I did it, even though how I did it was especially horrifying.

But like I said, maybe people intending to rape as a systematic cultural thing deserve some horrific shit happening to them. No, I think the biggest single reason why I feel bad about what happened there, what happened at the Battle of the Walls, fuck, even what happened with the Mother of Water Panthers, was all about losing control. About making what I did a thoughtless reaction instead of a thoughtful, justified reaction.

I mean, my old ROTC teachers talked about acting rather than reacting, and I guess I'd like to do more acting, but that's what I do on Fridays, whether that's communing with my Worshippers or teaching Math to kids.

But that's neither here nor there, the thing I'm trying to keep centered in my brain is the difference between doing awful things to people who desperately deserve it because I'm the one with the power to do so, and that makes it my responsibility, and doing awful things to people who desperately deserve it because I'm too pissed too think straight. Yeah, I fobbed Loviatar off on the crew of the Black Dragon, but then that was kind of a sudden bout of fear and anger.

I don't think I would have gone over the top with her; I'd have just killed her fast and hard. On the other hand, what I did to Lyssa was... Okay, now that I'm thinking about it with something like a clear head, or at least a head free of irrational self-hatred, I realize that I wanted to do all that to myself, but I really can't.

Suicide is not only not an option for me, what with my existence powering the growth of what might be the first step out of dystopia here and now, it's also not something I really want to do. Yeah, I kinda tried it while I was down there hiding at the bottom of the M-Space ocean. But just because I hit a level of self-hatred where I wanted to end myself doesn't mean that when I'm not at that low I think it's a good idea. Shit, I don't even really want to.

I've got too much in life that ranges between 'good', like all the food my Wifiest of Wifes makes, to great, like the adult fun time my partners and I indulge in on the regular, to awesomesauce dipped in pure raw serotonin, like time spent with any or all of the fam just vibing. Weird, I think right now the cortisol is flowing, but much like Lyssa I've got an external target for the hate, and even at my most levelheaded they still deserve death or worse. Yeah, that first fuckin' shack wasn't an exception.

When we found the shack at sunset yesterday, the trackers slowly, carefully moved through the area carefully looking over everything. The fuckin' snow didn't help, but Closer and all three Heroes know how to make Wards and Air Shields, and they used them to clear the snow in the area so they could get a better look at things. That's when they found the remains. Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road. Fortunately, the folks at this shack didn't have any kids.

Hopefully not anyhow. Unfortunately, not only did I say 'remains' instead of 'bodies' because none of the bodies even approached intact, when they brought them to me and I tried Reviving them the Shape just fell the fuck apart, after which the remains themselves kinda exploded. Luckily with no shrapnel or anything, just a kind of 'boom splat' with lots of steam and chunks of meat everywhere. No fuckin' clue why, and while no Reviving happened, it still pulled a fuckton of Mana from me.

While I stood there bent over with my hands on my thighs tryna figure it out, Closer and Mackenzie gathered the remains back up and put them into a heavy canvas sack they found in the shack. The rest of the trackers kept looking things over, gathering more remains as they found them. Marie came up to me at midnight.

"No Traps." I sighed.

"Somehow they booby trapped the remains though. Also kept me from Reviving them, not sure how." Siobhan? I've been watching since shortly after your first attempt, and I don't understand it either. Any chance you and Saffron could examine them tomorrow, if I bring them to the Academy? Not the Homestead? I shook my head, even though I knew she couldn't see me. Don't want something potentially booby trapped near the kids.

Honestly, really not copacetic about you looking at it, but I figure Saffron can Ward you to a fare thee well. I will, thought Saffron, at which point Marie cleared her throat.

"One Week."

"They spent a week here?" Something about the look in her eyes told me I'd guessed wrong.

"We're a week behind them now?" She nodded. I sighed and looked around at the gathered trackers.

"You're all willing to do this again tomorrow? Push through the snow?" Ryan spoke up at that point.

"From what we can tell, they're not really well equipped for this kind of weather. They push until they can't, then they hole up for a while. This most recent storm has probably driven them into some poor bastard's house." I took a deep breath, let it out.

"Okay then. That means we've got maybe a day or two at least to make up time on them. Rest up tonight. Be ready to head out first thing tomorrow." I nodded to the sack of miscellaneous body parts.

"I'm taking that direct to the Academy after I drop you guys at the Homestead." I'm really glad I did. I still had no idea how they'd done it, but when I returned to the shack, lifted the sack, and stepped to our Academy Suite, the bag fuckin' exploded. Again. I stepped back to the shack and looked at the steaming pile of remains. Kitten? You seeing this? Leave them there. We'll investigate on site. No the fuck you will not, Imperator. There are three other people whose eyes you can look through.

I'd say six, including three of us who are a lot more durable than you, but you are not expendable. I'm pretty sure Saffron would have argued, but the rest of my ladies chimed in and more or less overruled her. So be it. Tallulah? I will handle the on site investigation. If whatever they've done can disrupt the Global System Spell, better we find out now. Before I could argue, she thought, you are even less expendable than the Imperator, Goddess.

"Fuck." I stared at the sad pile of desecrated remains for a minute, then stepped back to the Homestead. I didn't bother with dinner for myself. Couldn't really force myself to eat after not being able to help whoever those fuckin' Spartans had hurt. Didn't even know who they were. I hit the Bath, soaked until the rest joined me, then let them soak for another hour or so before carrying them all off to bed. Mads and Orla joined Marie and I in the Bedroom. Before anything else, I pulled them both into a hug.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply you guys are expendable." They looked at each other, then chuckled before turning back to me and hugging me.

"We are, Goddess." I opened my mouth, but Orla drove over me.

"No, seriously, we're both part of the Alliance Military. I grew up as a potential Heir to House Calvert, and I was the more militant of my sister and I. Compared to everyone else who can Translocate to the site and allow your Archmagi to look through our eyes, we are the ones whose deaths would hurt the fewest people."

"They'd hurt me." Mads squeezed me harder.

"We know, Goddess. We know you would not spend us lightly. We know that if there was any way, and we were not too traumatized to continue, you would bring us back. But even if you could not, we would die knowing that you would give our deaths meaning, that our sacrifice would not be in vain." Her brow furrowed.

"And we know that should our deaths be at the hands of our enemies, you would not let them go unavenged." I raised an eyebrow.

"No death wishes, hear me?" She smiled, then laughed, then kissed me while she was still laughing.

"I hear and obey, my Goddess." We laughed a lot overnight. Today, after a breakfast of waffles and fried chicken tendies with Marie's sweet honey gravy, we hit the trail again. Good note, the massive blanket of snow managed to fuck up half of the traps we stumbled across. Bad news, we stumbled across way more of them with the extra camouflage. Luckily by now even the hunters were on a hair trigger, and the slightest sign of a trap had all of them diving for cover.

I wound up having to Heal some scratches and bruises to keep folks moving, but nothing major. Okay, the worst thing was another one of those fuckin' ankle pits, the kind where they're just deep enough for a foot to get trapped, with barbed spikes pointed downward, where they stabbed into said foot and ankle when the person stepping in it reflexively jerked their foot back. You'd think by now Silk would know not to jerk his foot back, but no. I wound up having to Heal that too. Fuckin' Silk, man.