Chương 1010: Day One Thousand And Eight

Dear Diary, Kinda weird that I feel some kinda way today. Seriously, some of my best days here and now have been days I spent with the fam over at Mom and Dad's place. Yeah, most of those were some kind of party, or sleepover, or some other kind of social event, but even a few of the therapy sessions have wound up... Pleasant. I'm not sure if that's how therapy's supposed to be or not. Seriously, we're making this shit up as we go along. Yeah, it helps getting things out in the open.

Yeah, it helps hearing that my family supports me being me. It might not be comfortable, but I think it helps even more when one or more or sometimes all of them call me on my bullshit. I guess it's not surprising that a nonzero amount of my bullshit is, in fact, self-destructive bullshit. Or at least self-deprecation of some kind. Not like I showed up with any kind of great self-image, what with being the perpetual fuck up.

Just to clarify, I'm not saying that I am currently a fuckup, nor that everything I've done has been fucked up. Plenty of it winds up being kinky as fucked, and the girl I was when I got here would have called that shit fucked up. Now, though, while I may joke about it, even sometimes worry about some particular kink being some degree of fucked up, most of it is just, y'know, horny. Sexy.

Erotic is the fancy word for it, and some of it definitely is, but some of it, I dunno, I just don't think it's classy enough to be 'erotic'. Sexy. Smexy. Kinky, maybe, but not classy, and definitely not 'erotic'. Seriously, I spent a solid chunk of last night doing things to Darling with a corkscrew duck penis. Okay, I guess it wasn't a duck penis, what with no ducks being involved in the making of Darling's orgasm. Fucks, yes, ducks, no. Heh.

Reminds me of that library posting where they mistakenly said that snakes would be served at some function for kids, then they retracted that, saying there would be snacks, not snakes, then appended that announcement noting that they had nothing against reptiles in general or snakes in specific, and that there would in fact be a reptile day where there would be snakes.

So yesterday near the end of the day, I decided I needed to get back in the swing of functioning Co-Located again, so I dropped one of me into the Academy kitchens alongside my Murder Mittens, with the specific goal of making snacks.

I didn't really want to do the whole 'formal dinner' thing the night before a therapy session, but I'd remembered what Saffron mentioned about how it would be a good idea for the kids to see me talking things out, working on my mental health, putting in the effort to become a better person. So instead of getting everybody dinner in the Dining Room, when everybody finished work for the day, I scooped up all my kids and partners, barely even feeling the reflexive twinge of something at how many of that latter I had.

Which I then realized was something I definitely needed to suss out. I also scooped up Mister Slither, because he'd been looking a little neglected lately. Not, like, unhealthy, just maybe a little listless. The kids swarmed Grandpa Loki and Grandma Sigyn, each of them vying for as much attention as they could get. Loki definitely cheated in all the best ways by being both his Jotnar self and Lyman, which got me wondering about Sigyn and him in maybe inappropriate ways, because that's how my brain do.

At any rate, after everybody got done a meal of finger food, Tallulah and Marie took the kids to the far end of the cave, Tallulah gathering some of them around Maze to listen to her read, the rest centered on Marie, who had them doing some kind of yarn and stick thing. Crochet, knitting, I'm still not sure. Cooking I do, sewing I do not. But I'm not gonna be the kind of bitch who says my girls can't learn to do 'traditionally feminine' things just because I feel some kinda way about them.

Totally not gonna smile about the fact that the new boy joined the knitters, not the readers. At that point Loki set his little table up, and he, Sigyn, Siobhan, Saffron, and I settled in around it.

"So, Daughter. Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about this evening?" I shook my head, then opened my mouth. Closed it. Finally managed to make my mouth say, "is there anything you guys think I should talk about?" The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation. That led to a round of head shaking and smiles. Siobhan finished that up with, "even if there were, it might be best to let you lead off in any case."

I nodded, took a deep breath, and said, "I think I'm feeling some kinda way about being Co-Located. Not really sure. Just haven't been doing it nearly as much as..." I trailed off, and Loki asked, "are you experiencing any difficulties Co-Locating?" I shrugged, chuckled, and snarked out, "nah, not having any of those 'women of a certain age' problems yet." Then I stopped myself, held up one hand, asking for patience. After counting to ten in my head I said, "sorry.

I don't mean to make jokes about what was an honest question about my health. No, no I don't think so. I was worried about it, with the whole 'recovering from Soul injury' thing, but I didn't notice anything, uh..." Siobhan smiled, and it made my heart lighter when everyone else at the table subconsciously smiled in return.

"You seemed quite capable last night. Both of you." I chuckled.

"Just put it right out there, why don't you?" Saffron's smile got a little wider when she said, "it's not like any of the adults in the room haven't seen you do that." I very pointedly glanced over at Mom and Dad, who had the grace to look slightly abashed. Of course, I'd figured that was because they hadn't actually seen me getting it on, which Saffron disabused me of when she said, "who else do you think Lord Loki had me practice Scrying on?" I gabbled out something like, "Saffron! You..."

She just laughed, and even Mom and Dad shook their heads. Sigyn waved a hand at the table and said, "we didn't see much, because we are not the sorts to ogle our daughter."

"I am."

"Saffron!"

"What? You're their daughter, and I ogle you all the time." At that point Sigyn reached out and flicked Saffron on the ear.

"Be that as it may, this is Tabitha's time to speak with us regarding her mental health." I rarely see Saffron look genuinely guilty or contrite. She bowed her head toward me and quietly said, "I apologize, Tabitha. Truly." I reached out and took one of her hands, noting that Siobhan had done the same with the other.

"It's okay, Kitten. I think the banter helps me sidle up to things sometimes. But, y'know, I think this time I'm actually ready to talk about shit without having to trick myself into it." She smiled, nodded, and sat there quietly. After a bit, when I'd watched her for a while, waiting, she said, "this isn't supposed to be about me, love. Do go on, please." I smiled back at her.

"Yeah, I know. I just like watching you. Sometimes especially when you just, I dunno, sit there." Before she could reply, I shook my head and took another deep breath.

"Yeah, I think some part of me felt like I was doing too much. I loved doing everything I could every day, but then some of the stuff went away, bit by bit." I paused, thinking.

"Nothing bad. Just, like, natural attrition. Saffron finished her research. We Liberated Calverton. I kinda replaced those things with others, but..." I stopped, realizing what had cracked the pattern, and what had recently kinda shattered it.

"My time at Revels let me focus on one person at a time, and that made me feel like I wasn't paying enough individual attention to any of you. To any of my kids, or any of my partners." I paused, and both Siobhan and Saffron opened their mouths. Then shut them. I smiled and nodded toward them. Saffron looked at Siobhan and nodded, at which point Siobhan said, "you most certainly were, Tabitha. At least to me." Saffron nodded as well, but kept her mouth shut, smiling as she did.

"Okay, yeah, but it still felt that way, kinda, although I didn't think about it out loud, so to speak. Just a kind of quiet internalized guilt. But then I stopped doing that, and then because I wasn't there, you got hurt." I held up my hand, shaking my head as Siobhan tried to interrupt.

"No, seriously, I get it, I might not have been right there enough to stop that asshole even if I'd been on site at the time. Not like I'd feel the need to keep one of me with you if you needed some water or something, not with Hailee right there." After that I went quiet, and after a bit Sigyn said, "go on." So I did.

I talked about all the things I'd done, and how I wanted them to be ways I did things for my partners, but how I felt like they'd become things I did not for them, but for how they made me feel when I did them. Gradually Siobhan, then Saffron, then once the kids were asleep Marie and even Tallulah came over and joined our discussion. We talked for minutes. We talked for days. We talked for moments, we talked for years.

We talked until long after the kids woke up and Sigyn, Marie, and Mister Slither took them outside of wherever the cave was to play. We talked until, as the kids brought in a bunch of fish and forage as the sun approached the horizon, Karen showed up. Weird thing, she showed in her Academy uniform, but addressed me as, "Goddess?"

"Yeah, Karen? What's up?"

"During a routine patrol today the Questing Tentacle came across a... An... Individual." Saffron cut in with, "a person of interest?"

"Rather." I snorted at the formal language, because I'm still slightly allergic to it, I think, and asked, "who?" Karen definitely looked like she had to wrap her brain around the concept, because it didn't quite fit in her worldview of 'how things should be'. She took a breath, nodded, and answered, "Aphrodite."