Chương 6: The Section of Highly Exaggerated Memoirs

Bart sat at his solid oak desk, watching the plain white bathroom door. On the metal table next to him, the cheap plastic coffee machine dripped black sludge into a glass pot. Bart took a sip from his cup. It still tasted like dirt. He really needed to find some real coffee beans. Suddenly, the white door rattled. Whoosh. Gurgle. The door flew open with the loud sound of a toilet flushing. Gregor stumbled out and fell onto the stone floor.

He was out of breath, and his dirty leather armor was covered in fresh green leaves. The door slammed shut and vanished.

"I got one, boss!" Gregor panted. He scrambled to his feet and ran over to the desk. He did not pull a dusty scroll or a crumpled map from his bag. Instead, Gregor slammed a massive, heavy book onto the smooth wood of Bart's desk. The book was ridiculous. The cover was made of bright, shiny gold. It was covered in sparkling red and blue rubies. It was so heavy that it made a loud THUD when it hit the desk, shaking Bart's coffee cup. Bart pushed his glasses up his nose. He looked at the shiny book, then at Gregor.

"Gregor," Bart said slowly.

"What did I tell you to get?"

"Paper!" Gregor said proudly.

"I told you to get non-fiction," Bart corrected.

"Facts. History. Not the most expensive piece of treasure you could find in a royal palace. Did anyone see you?"

"Only a few guards," Gregor smiled.

"And maybe a gardener or stable boy. But do not worry! This seems like history! Looking at how expensive it was and where it was stored." Gregor pointed to the shiny letters pressed into the gold cover. The Private Journal of King Aurelius the Magnificent.

"A king's journal," Albert the skeleton said, walking over with his broom.

"That is indeed history, sir. A very good find."

"Fine," Bart sighed.

"Let us see what the System thinks." Bart picked up the heavy gold book and placed it into the glowing Intake Tray on the stone table. The book hovered in the air. The bright blue light swept over the pages, scanning the ink. Usually, the scanning process took one second. This time, the blue light flashed, turned yellow, and then flashed red. The floating stone floor began to shake. A loud grinding noise filled the room, like a machine trying to eat rocks.

The glowing blue System screen popped up in front of Bart, flashing warning signs. SYSTEM ALERT: INTAKE SUCCESSFUL Item: The Private Journal of King Aurelius the Magnificent. Warning: Truth levels critically low. Object contains 98. 4% fiction. The Historical Accuracy Department has filed 247 formal complaints. New Section Added: Highly Exaggerated Memoirs. Archive Health: 0. 0000004%. Archive Status: Rank F- (Ruined) Progress to Rank F: 12% High above them, a new wooden shelf grew out of the dark space.

It dropped down and landed next to the Crime Section. The new shelf was exactly as ridiculous as the book. It had bright gold paint on the edges and fake diamond handles. A small brass plaque was pinned to the front of the wood. The plaque read: IMPORTANT SECTION. As Bart watched, the words on the plaque shifted and changed. It now read: MOST IMPORTANT SECTION. A second later, the words shifted one more time: MOST IMPORTANT SECTION IN THE UNIVERSE.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. Even weirder, every time Bart blinked and looked back at the shelf, it seemed to stretch an inch taller, trying to look bigger than all the other shelves around it. The heavy gold book flew out of the tray and landed softly on the bragging shelf.

"Highly Exaggerated Memoirs?" Bart asked. He walked over to the new shelf and pulled the book back down. He opened the heavy cover and looked at the first page. Bart started to read out loud. Year 12: A dragon challenged me to a fight today. I accepted. The dragon was so amazed by my bravery that he apologized and made me his king. Gregor crossed his arms.

"That sounds like a very strong king." Bart turned the page and read the next entry. Year 17: The moon was lonely in the sky. So, I created a second moon to keep it company. The first moon thanked me. Albert clicked his teeth.

"Sir."

"Yes, Albert?"

"I believe this journal may be actively insulting history," the skeleton said plainly.

"I believe it may also be insulting dragons." Bart flipped to the middle of the book. Year 26: I discovered gravity. It had been falling for years, but only I was smart enough to notice it. Bart flipped another page. Year 31: Today I taught the fish in the royal pond how to swim. They were very grateful. Bart turned one more page. Year 34: The royal wizards tried to test my brain today. I got a perfect score. The head wizard came to me, with tears in his eyes, and said, 'Sir, you have the best brain.

You are a very stable genius.' Bart rubbed his tired eyes.

"He actually wrote that down?"

"What is a stable genius?" Gregor asked, tilting his head.

"Is that a man who is very smart about horses?"

"Sure, Gregor. Let us go with that," Bart sighed, tapping the page.

"The point is, the lies are getting bigger every year."

"So?"

"So, that means the king was not writing this for himself. A true private journal is a place for secrets," Bart explained.

"He wrote this because he knew someone in the future would read it. He was trying to rewrite his own history." Before Gregor could answer, the sound of flapping pages filled the air. The Almanac of Inevitable Doom swooped down from the dark ceiling. It hovered right next to the gold book and snapped open its pages. Bright red ink wrote itself angrily across the paper.

"King Aurelius was five feet tall and allergic to grass," the flying book wrote.

"He once challenged a goose to a fight and lost. Also, the thief smells like a horse." Gregor grabbed his own shirt and sniffed it.

"I hid in a stable! I am a stable genius!"

"Leave Gregor alone," Bart told the flying book.

"He brought back exactly what we needed to build the Archive. Lies or not, it belongs on the shelf now." The Almanac snapped shut and did a little spin in the air before flying away. As soon as Bart put the gold book back on its tall, bragging shelf, the System screen chimed again. REWARD GRANTED: +8 Mana. (Mana remaining: 19) Management has classified this item as: Technically Non-Fiction. New Furniture Unlocked: Break Room Storage. A flash of soft blue light appeared next to the terrible coffee machine.

When the light faded, a tall wooden cabinet stood there. It had nice glass doors and clean shelves. Bart felt a rush of pure excitement. Break Room Storage. That meant supplies. He looked at his cup of black sludge. Finally, the System was giving him real coffee. Bart walked quickly to the cabinet. He grabbed the brass handles and pulled the doors open.

Sitting on the shelf was a small white box of sugar cubes, one ceramic coffee mug with the words Beaumont Public Library printed on the side, and a dark, sealed pouch. Bart's heart jumped. He grabbed the dark pouch. He felt the outside of the bag. It felt bumpy, exactly like fresh, whole coffee beans. A wide smile spread across his face. He tore the top of the pouch open and took a deep, happy breath. It was a bag of loose green tea leaves. There was no coffee. The glowing screen flashed one more time.

Management hopes you enjoy your tea. Bart closed his eyes and took a very long, very deep breath. He set the tea down. He picked up his old Beaumont library mug. It felt nice and heavy in his hand. It reminded him of home. He turned around and walked back to his desk. Behind him, he did not notice the brass plaque on the wobbly shelf change one more time. MOST IMPORTANT SECTION IN ALL REALITIES. Bart placed his new mug next to his old cup of dirt-sludge and looked at Gregor.

"Alright, Gregor," Bart said flatly.

"Good job on the shiny lie book. Now, eat your sandwich. You have ten minutes before I send you back out." Gregor opened his small bag and pulled out the squished turkey sandwich wrapped in wax paper. He looked at it, then looked back up. Gregor frowned.

"Boss?"

"Yes?"

"Who invented bread?" Bart stared at him.

"Eat your sandwich, Gregor."