Chương 1115: Day One Thousand One Hundred And Thirteen

Dear Diary, Sometimes I think I forget what it's like to be a kid. That sounds so weird to think, even inside my own head. In a lot of ways, I was still a kid when I got here. In others, I haven't been a kid since that day I watched my mom stop breathing. Huh. I just realized, I think the time I really stopped thinking like a kid, thinking of myself in any way as a kid, was that first Autumn Equinox. Which is weird, because I know I told myself I wasn't a kid since the day my mom died.

That first day, the day my mom died, was the day my innocence died. The day I stopped believing in happily ever after. The day I realized the world is a shitty, unfair place that's mostly run for and by the biggest assholes, because they don't feel even the slightest compunction about utterly fucking over anybody else for even the pettiest reasons. That second day, the day I stood up to an incarnate Goddess and rescued my daughter, was the day I realized I could do something about it.

If the first was my loss of innocence, the second was my loss of powerlessness. I think some folks never really lose their innocence. If somebody, especially the woman herself, told me Siobhan had never lost hers, I'd believe it. I mean, if fourteen months and five days of the worst pregnancy and labor I've ever heard of didn't strip that away, I'm pretty sure it can't be stripped, that it's some essential part of her essential Siobhanhood.

I'd say she may not really have lost her sense of powerlessness, except I've seen her a few times when she had to stand up for herself, especially since after the arrival of the Child formerly known as Siobean. Shit, I really don't like how much I love saying that word, because that would be the shittiest of reasons to accidentally pressure Darling into another pregnancy.

At any rate, I'm not sure she had a single moment like me standing on the altar facing the Deity now known as Diana, but she's definitely come into a sense of her own power. Or maybe her moment was the same as mine. The moment she realized there's a kid entirely dependent on her, so she doesn't have the option of backing down any more. I dunno, though. Yeah, our kids stand up for each other. They stand up for other kids. Shit, they've even stood up to me about things they thought were wrong.

There's a reason we have a weapon of mass destruction sitting on a shelf with his case propped open. I'm not even sure which kind of childishness I'm talking about not remembering, either. Maybe it's just a vibe I'm not feeling or something. Maybe I've got my head up my ass about things after days of pirate contract law. But I guess sometimes that's what happens when you're a mom. A parent, really, because I can't see where men would be any different to women on this.

My kids have friends, and they're socializing with each other more than me, and sometimes they have little in jokes that I don't get. Honestly, while that makes me feel some kinda way, it's mixed with the kind of pride that our kids are growing up and, y'know, socializing. Like I didn't. Like I'm pretty sure Saffron and Siobhan and Tallulah didn't.

Fuck, I'm not sure, but if somebody told me that back in Sparta Marie lived alone in her room and didn't interact with the other kids, I think it would just make sense to me. Thing is, while our kids have differing levels of social battery, they've all got friends. Siblings, yeah, but there are some other kids at the Homestead, and even siblings can, in fact, be genuine friends. Fuck, now I don't know if I fucked up my relationship with my sister or she did.

The really horrifying thought I just had, which has left me feeling really guilty for the first time in a while, is that maybe my mom did it. I mean, no idea how, but if it wasn't something she did, but was something she didn't do, I'll never know. But that would mean that the five of us are somehow doing a better job of momming than my own mom did. So yesterday we spent most of the day going over the Articles on social interactions.

There were a surprising number of them, and which ones were boilerplate and which ones were customized per ship kinda surprised me. Like, I was totally behind the parental leave, and their stance on Consent violation was even better. Like, a man and woman doing the deed before the ship turned back for harbor was basically a misdemeanor, and the punishment was financial.

Consent violation, on the other hand, was some serious shit, with 'unintentional' violation carrying not just forfeiture of shares to the violated party, but also basically getting all the dangerous shit jobs for the rest of the voyage.

I'm not sure how they determined 'unintentional' versus 'intentional', although I'm guessing booze or drugs are in play somehow, but for 'intentional' Consent violations the only difference in the Articles was the manner of execution, and it seemed like they'd each gone overboard describing some awful shit. When the tamest starts with having a rock chained to your ankles, cutting your hands off, and tossing the rock overboard, it's pretty clear that shit was not viewed as acceptable.

At any rate, at the end of the day, as we got to the end of the sections on social stuff, Saffron stood.

"Captains. This has been most informative. Tabitha and I will be unavailable tomorrow, but we will return to speak with you on Moonday. You are of course welcome to remain aboard the Black Dragon or return to your ships as you prefer. If any of your ships are low on any supplies, please let Orla or Swanson know, the Alliance will of course make sure your men have what they need." The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

The three of them nodded, and John asked, "so, you've seen most of our Articles. What's left is mostly minutiae."

"Minutiae often make or break such contracts, but do go on." If he felt some kind of way about Saffron arguing with him, he wisely didn't show it.

"Fair, but what did you intend to review on Moonday once we've exhausted the remains of our Articles?"

"It is my intent to bring copies of our own original Constitution." They all looked at her blankly, and she smiled.

"It is not unlike an Articles of Agreement for the Alliance as a whole." Yeah, on that gobsmacking note, she nodded, said, "Captains," and stepped us home. Where we were met by our whole horde ready to travel to Grampa and Gramma's house.

We all bundled up around Dad's bed, because with the kits now various takes on the theme of 'adult sized', from Anise's 'not all that much shorter than Siobhan' to Isadora's 'I heard you joking about carrying Lachlan in my purse and thought that was hilarious, so I grew big enough to do that', we don't all fit in the bed. Also, it was oddly cold.

Not sure if I didn't really fall asleep, or my dreams were just kind of disjointed quiet thoughts of my ladies napping in my Maw, but when I woke up I nudged Dad and asked, "what's up with this cold?" He shrugged.

"We get those sometimes. We're pretty far north up here, and the cave isn't all that deep."

"Really?"

"Would you like to see?" Mom asked.

"Sure." So she led me out of the cave. Kinda funny, I've never really explored the place, and when I saw her walk through a wall back in the day I just assumed it was one of those things Gods could just do. Turns out it's just a really hard to see tunnel; I don't think Dad's place has ever been pitch black, and the tunnel isn't dark, just colored so it's hard to spot. It goes maybe a couple dozen feet before it opens onto... Not exactly a beach, because it's little pebbles. Okay, maybe that's still a beach.

But not an outdoor beech. I could see the opening of the cave ahead of us another few dozen feet away, although it didn't look like there was enough clearance to stay above water if I wanted to swim out. Also, Jotnar immunity to cold or not, the mist in the air was fuckin' cold as shit, I did not want to feel how cold the water was. By the time I got back in, Marie had brought the Docs and breakfast. Waffles and chicken tenders for everybody.

As breakfast wound to a close, Dad asked, "so, Tabitha, was there anything you wanted to talk about?" That had kind of gotten to be our pattern. Somebody, usually Mom, Dad, or one of the Docs, would ask somebody to open up, and then that person would ask somebody else, and so on. If somebody didn't want to talk, they didn't have to. But I'd been thinking about it off and on now for at least a day, so I said, "yeah, I... I dunno, I feel like I've betrayed my mom or something."

Sigyn just smiled and said, "me, Domnu, or Marie?" Some of the kids looked a little confused, so I said, "my mom's name was Marie too." They nodded at that, and I went on.

"My birth mom. I... I see you kids playing and socializing and being friends with each other," I gave Anise, Felicia, and Menace a look, because each of them had opened their mouth like they were gonna deny it or something, and I did not need the Sisterhood of the Tsundere to interrupt me just then.

"I never had that with my sister. She's... She's older than me. Way more mature than me in some ways, but... Yeah, I can't do anything about that any more. And I wouldn't change the way you kids play for the world; you're... Healthy? I mean, I think most of you have some kind of shit you need to work through, because everybody does, but you're not at each other's throats like me and my sister were." I trailed off, and eventually Doc Glass said, "your mother?" I nodded.

"Yeah. I was thinking about that, and realized that part of that might be us." I nodded to the rest of the Mom Collective.

"Like, encouraging our kids to do healthy things, and coming down on them gently when they start up with something that's gonna lead to bad places." I took a deep breath.

"I wanna be proud that we're... That I might be... That we're better moms than Mom was." I shook my head.

"But I can't help but feel guilty even thinking that." Without looking directly at me or anyone else, Saffron said, "I often feel guilty for having spent so much time away from our Children, love. I know that my work was... Is important, and it's helping to make our girls..." She glanced at Jack, smiled, and corrected herself.

"Our Children a better world to live in, but when I come home, when I see the home you've built... You are a good mother, love. Better than me. Better than I think I could be."

"Nonsense, Saffron." I didn't expect Siobhan to be the one to step into that gap.

"One of the first things I noted about you was how dedicated a mother you were. Are. Just because nurturing according to your nature is not the same as Tabitha doing so does not make one better or worse." I couldn't help myself.

"Yeah, our Marie's still the best mom ever though." Before Murder Mittens could open her mouth to defend herself from my sudden declaration, Saffron, Siobhan, Tallulah, and at least half our kids spouted some variation on 'agreed'. There was a lot of laughter after that. Maybe some tears. When I looked down at my hip, Aisling was quietly crying.

"Hey. Hey, Aisling. Kiddo. You okay?" She sniffled.

"Did you want to talk about something?" She shook her head.

"Okay. That's fine. Just let me know if you do, okay?" I put my arm around her, and she burrowed into me. I looked up and smiled at Murder Mittens.

"So, did you have anything you wanted to talk about, Marie?" Yeah, I know she always seems so self-possessed, but that doesn't mean she never needs to let stuff out, or get support. Beyond that, she's even better than me at catching who does need to talk. She shook her head, then said, "Lindsey?" Turns out Lindsey had been feeling some kind of way about how her parents died. So she talked about that. Then Siobhan talked about being a walking larder, which led to a discussion of breastfeeding with the girls.

Nothing super interesting, just all the questions a bunch of girls might ask of women who'd done that particular... I guess it is a chore, but it's one of those that's really intimate. Near the end of the day, Aisling tugged at me. I looked down and quietly asked, "did you want to talk about something?" She shook her head.

"What did you need?" It took her a bit. Everybody else was still talking about something else. I kind of missed it, because I was focused on her speaking in dribs and drabs, and with each word it was all I could do not to scoop her up and cry.

"... I... would want... mother... nice as you..." Okay, yeah, I didn't cry. But I did scoop her up, snuggle her to me, and whisper into her ear, "good thing you've got me then, isn't it?"